Rally X

This was the simplest looking game. Like Pac-Man, but with a car, right?* How hard could it be. Well, you have to take the extenuating circumstance into consideration here. I played this game in a club. Rumbottoms, I think. So you take this simple little maze/car game and throw in a few stiff drinks and some crappy Doors cover band playing in the background to distract you and, well, it wasn’t all that simple of a game.

Ok, so let’s drive this little car around. I’m the queen of video games here. The expert. This game is gonna be so easy I’ll be bored in five minutes, and I’ll go back to heckling the Jim Morrison wannabe. Ok car, drive. No, not that way. The other way. I’m not that drunk. I’ve only had one or two shots. Damn it. Where the hell are you going? Why do you keep hitting the wall? Dude, focus! Stay on track! It’s a god damn joystick and a stupid little car, why can’t you keep it on track. Oh fuck. The red cars. They are after me. Hurry, think. What to do? What are these buttons for? Mash, mash, mash the button! Smoke! The car is blowing smoke out its ass! Jim Morrison is singing Strange Days. My car is running out of fuel. I need another shot of whatever that was I was drinking. Yea, drinking and driving the Rally X car. This is not going well. Someone put a cigarette in my mouth and light it please, because I’m not letting go of this joystick. I am gonna make this fucker run this course right. Red car! Red car! Come on, let’s blow some smoke out of our ass....what the hell? They give you a weapon, but you lose fuel when you use it? What the hell kind of deranged thinking is that? You gotta kill these guys but you end up killing yourself in the process. Oh! Hit the wall again. Wheels spinning. Jim Morrison sings. The blue bus is calling us. Dude, fuck your blue bus. This red car is calling me. It’s mocking me. Wait. Bonus round! What the hell? You can run out of fuel in the fucking bonus round? Who designed this game? Marquis de Sade?

It looked so simple. Simple as the bass line to Love Me Two Times. Simple as the doofus flipping his quarter around behind me who doesn’t get the hint that I’m not leaving this game. So many levels, so few Doors songs left. One more shot. One more encore. Yea, a cover band in a shitty bar is doing an encore. I’ve got one more quarter. Friends gather around the machine. They want to go home. Jim Morrison Jr. is butchering Crystal Ship. Ok, keep your cool. Stop banging into the god damn walls. What the hell is wrong with this car? Is it retarded or is it just me? Move, car, move! Red guy! Red guy! HAHAH I AM BLOWING SMOKE OUT MY ASS! I GOT YOU FUCKER!! Yea. I got this car going. This little bastard is a mean machine once you’ve got enough kamikaze shots inside you to get your adrenaline going. This is the only car of its kind where you need to drink in order to drive it. Drop those smoke bombs! We’re on a mission from God! We’re gonna clear those flags and move on to the next round!

The band comes out for its second show. My friends are gone. The dude with the quarter gives up and starts playing pinball. Jim breaks out into a drunken version of Love Me Two Times. It’s just me and my car. My friends let me down. Jim let me down. My car won’t let me........fuck. Out of fuel again. Stupid game. Stupid joystick. Stupid car. I’m gonna go find my friends and get the hell out of here. Hey, what’s this? I’ve got another dollar. That’s four quarters from the bartender! Pinball guy buys me a shot. Jim starts singing Alabama Song. Come on car, let’s blow some smoke out of our ass. It’s only 1am. I’ve got four quarters and no ride home. Might as well drive this fucker into the sunset.

*It actually ran on pac-man hardware

SNFU - The Quest for Fun
The Business - Drinkin' n Drivin'

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