The following is a response to something Kali wrote called 10 things boys need to know about having SEXXX. Turtle was writing up a response and then kind of went all out with it, so we’re just posting it here. Ten Things Chicks Need to Know About Having Sex. And when we say chicks, we mean it lovingly, of course. Hey, at least we didn’t use broads.

Just note that you need an open mind and a sense of humor to enjoy something like this. If your definition of sex involves the missionary position and making babies so as not to waste a drop of the sperm that god bestowed on you, you’re not gonna find this the least bit amusing. Really, this list will either make you grab the butt plug and a sock and head for the bedroom or it will make you want to punch a turtle in the nuts. Tongue. Cheek. Feel it?

Now where did I put my Jackhammer Jesus? (nsfw!)

Here we go....

Ten Things Chicks Need to Know About Having Sex

1. Teeth are bad. If you don't know, I'll tell you. Those things are weapons. If they can tear a piece of steak, they sure as hell can hurt a penis. If you think it's hot to bite on a man's cock and look into his eyes while you are smiling, you are wrong. That's our cock. What you have in your mouth means a lot to us, ok? Take care of it, please?

2. Perfume comes in three odors. Strong. Super Strong and "What the Fuck Are You Wearing" strong. When you go into the bathroom and do some girl thing and lather up on the perfume like you were getting baptised by John, just remember: sex smells better then Calvin Klein. Actually, I don't know this for a fact. He could smell pretty good. But, that's beside the point. The smell of sex and cum and sweat turns us on. We don't think it's sexy to have to hold our nose while asking if you like anal.

3. Candles are good only if we have known you for years. Well, a long time. At least three days. Jesus Christ. I don't want some kind of Satanic ceremony around me when I just wanna cum. "Sure babe. They look great. Um, notice how my cock is hard? Can we move a little faster here?" If the candles don't light on the first try, um..... fuck them and take off your clothes. Hey dude, I'm all for romance but when the chips fall down, romance can suck it, cause Mr. Happy needs a ride.

4. Lingerie is good. I love it. There is nothing better then getting ready to wear it when she leaves for work.

5. Faking orgasms isn't cool. You don't need to push my ego up any more. I already think I am a sex lovin' fully loaded ass grabbin' machine. If you don't come, don't tell me you were too busy thinking about the last episode of Little House on the Prairie or you hade a long day or how you thought your accent was messing me and my rhythm up. Just tell me I fucked up and didn't hit the spot.

6. The G-spot. Does it exist? I'm not a woman. So I don't know. All I know is that if you feel something you like, please, find the ability to tell us. We won't get offended.

7. Sometimes rough sex is great. Sometime making love is better. We are men. We really don't know. We do what we do. If you want to have a romantic night out and spend all night telling us how much you love us and how you want to be with us fovever but don't tell us, then don't act surprised when you can't get thru the door without our fingers tearing your panties off. Hey dude. That's not our fault. You need to tell us this is a "slow down night." If you don't, your eyeballs are gonna be popping out as we push in before you can get the "I" in "I love you" out.

8. Guys can cum fast.Oh yeah. I have a speed record for masturbating. If you want to cum, you have to tell us and slow us down. We move fast and really don't care. If I met you at a bar? Meh. Let's just do this this and go eat cold pizza. Once the ball hits that hole we drive our carts away and play the next hole. Move on to a different course. See. Golf analogy. I'm good at those. But anyways. Slow us down and we will make you scream. In a good way. Not like in a "Poseiden Adventure" way. I don't want to think of Gene Hackman falling to his death on a boat when I am having an orgasm. That would just be....weird.

9. Fun is fun and we are the first to experiment with new stuff. But, we know you girls are kinky too. Everything you have thought of that turns you on? We have thought about it, too. So go for it. Stick that up where it shouldn't go. Push that in there! Plus, you know that all chicks have a secrect fantasy about strap ons and Mrs. Huxtable from the Cosby Show. No? Well, maybe that's just me then. "Cliff? Cliff are you here? Momma is wearing the Happy Switch tonight! Cliff?" OK. I can see that's just me. Now.

10. I think this one is pretty obvious to everyone. If you don't like something, tell us. If you like something, tell us. We lost our mind reading abilities when we cancelled our membership to the Church of Scientology. Tom Cruise sold that motherfucker out and L. Ron Hubbard was getting kinda weird so we lost our ability to give you a mind reading. We need to know. Tell us. We are kinda smart. I mean we know things now like not to wipe our dick on your newly cleaned drapes. Yeah yeah yeah. But hey, at least it was better then using your cat. But we didn't know! You didn't tell us! The bottom line is we need to know cause if you haven't noticed lately, we have an outty and you have an inny that looks like some kind of weird Japanese oyster. Sometimes, I swear I'll find a pearl in there and some girl with an accent will tell me that it was her time of the season and we need to sell it to get beer money. What? I didn't know that. You guys do that with those things? Cool. Looks like rent is paid off for this month.

-T

Your tongue is still in your cheek, right?

* Turbonegro Get it On
Buzzcocks Orgasm Addict
Dwarves - Let’s Fuck
Mr. Bungle Girls of Porn
NoMeansNo Big Dick
RKL Beautiful Feeling
Speedealer Double Clutchin Finger Fuckin

yea i went kinda crazy with the songs -M

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