Screw VH-1. This is the Top Offensive Punk Songs of All Time
by Turtle Jones
Well it's time. We asked and you answered. We still need more input from you out there. You wanted a list of the most offensive songs given to us by you. We made some grave omissions in the last list. We are here to make up for that.
Hm. Maybe I was wrong. But this is the start. How long it will go? Depends on how far you want to take it. We have the first set and we are ready to go. All reader contributions will be used. Try to stay off songs from the last list. Which, I dont think you will have many problems with doing.
Here we go!
This might get ugly so keep your head down.
The Meatmen - Tooling for Anus
Oh you knew they would be here. In fact my entire post tonight will be all about them. Hey, these guys were good. This song started off a raw album that just got rawer...it's that a word? Anyways. Imagine being a little kid putting this on listening to two guys talk about gay anal sex and smoking dope. Wow. The song hadn't even started yet. This has gotta be good. "One rim job a year ago and he think's we're lovers" "Oh here. Suck." Oh god. This album has gotta be good. I always felt a little strange laughing at this intro just because it is so....gay. It is really funny. The song kicks and you and you end up with a song about insulting homosexuals and shooting his goo. Truly a masterpiece.
I'll admit. I had no clue as to what he was saying. I had no idea what this song was about. I really didn't care. Until one day my mom walking in while I was listening to it. "They are saying what???" "What mom?" "Fuck fuck fuck fuck the Beatles?" "Really? That's kinda cool." A song about celebrating John Lennon getting assinated while asking at the same time for three more people to step up to the plate to wack the rest. I guess some people really didn't like John Lennon that much. I didn't really like the Beatles, but if the only cool band member was dead there was nothing left. Let's kill them all. Dope and Yoko Ono. Middle aged old hairy people. Thank god I don't use drugs anymore or this song would have fucked me up. Well maybe it did. You make the call. - T
Camel Jockies Suck
Let's nail these all in one.
The Meatmen. Jeez guys. Let's see who else we can offend. They went out of their way to insult crippled children. Refined it on the French, then perfected it by yelling at camel jockies. Listen to all these in order and you will be bombing some children's hospital while robbing a liquor store at the same time. French camel jockies who are crippled must really suck. Jeez. That's the trifecta of sucking. The Meatmen were sorely forgotten in the last list. So to make up, I dedicated this post to making up for my mistake. And to little baby boys with an arm stuck out their ass. And to girls who have been preparing themselves with herbal laxitives who want to shit on our face. - T
I kinda wish that Anal Cunt was considered punk, because I could just say "the entire Anal Cunt" catalog and be done with this list. Ok, I'm gonna start out easy here.
Misfits - Bullet
If this sounds familiar it’s because I had this in the punk songs list.
How many ways can you offend people in one song? When I heard these lyrics for the first time I could almost hear the collective gasp of middle America. I could see scarf-wearing suburban women fainting in shock, grown men in seersucker suits and military hair cuts banging their fists in anger and demanding death to the Misfits. I mean, my god. Masturbation, eating cum out of your palm, shattered head on concrete - dude this is more offensive than the time when I was working at the record store and put out a display of Dead Kennedys record on November 22. But really, anyone totally appalled at this song only has to watch the Misfits perform it to see it go from tastelessness to, well, campy tastelessness. -M
IRVING? WHERE’S MY MAXI PADS? This song is for everyone who has stage fright when they buy tampons, for everyone who still calls their period “Aunt Flo” in hushed tones, for everyone who cringes when I say things like “I’m on the rag” or “I’m bleeding like a stuck pig, dude.” For all of you who think the term “red wings” should only be spoken in hockey conversations. I'M PASSING CLOTS THE SIZE OF BASKETBALLS!! One woman’s menstrual humor is another woman’s shocked gasp. It’s blood, get over it. -M
Anti Nowhere League - So Fucking What
You can judge a song’s true offensiveness by how your mother reacts when you hit “play” on the cassette tape in your car, thinking that you had something benign like Pink Floyd (your mother’s favorite band) in there but it was the tape your best friend made for you and it was poised right at the point in this song where he snarls “Well I've fucked a sheep, And I've fucked a goat, I've had my cock right down its throat,” and your mom turns and looks at you and says “This is what paying for four years of Catholic school got me?” And she shakes her head and begs you to put The Wall back on. Ok, but “ohhh I need a dirty woman” is ok, mom? Goat, woman, what’s the difference? And just an aside, I wish I had a dollar for every time I had to say to someone: THIS IS NOT A FUCKING METALLICA SONG. Jesus. -M
See the extended entry below for a reminder of what we mean by "offensive" here.
for the sake of argument (and for the sake of this list) let's say that offensive means this: If you played this song loud enough for your neighbors to hear, they would either a) report you to the "authorities"; b) hide their children from you; c) pay Rev. Falwell $100 to pray for your soul; d) wrap their house in duct tape and tin foil to protect themselves from you or e) all of the above. Or, in more simple terms, if you sang this song in front of your grandmother she would make you wash your mouth out with soap. And you probably find the song amusing, at the very least. We're talking way offensive here. You might be thinking Blink 182's Family Reunion,, but that's just a bunch of bad words strung together. We're thinking more along the lines of Meatmen's Crippled Children Suck. Or that Guttermouth song about your mom fucking a donkey.
Offsensive. Unpolitically correct. Mean. Filthy. Dirty. Deranged. Shocking. Apalling. Disgusting. Offensive.
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