car of the night: wieners??
by Michele Christopher
We have both had a bad day. Michele and Turtle. Both. Believe that? Oh well. Shit happens. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want them to. Sometimes things get piled on you when you just expect an easy day. Sometimes you have to do things that you don't wan't to do. So yeah. Today sucked.
Another day of fun cars!
*anytime you see a Fun Car post you can pretty much assume we have both had a bad day and just wanted to laugh.
This is my car or whatever the hell you want to call it for the night. A signal that you might have hit the bottom or the top of the food chain. You make the call. A wagon that rolled around smelling death in its nose asking you if you still wanted more.
The Wiener Wagon!
Pure steel. Nothing coming from it but the smell of anger, grease and hotdogs. And oil. And maybe some saurekraut.
Hey dude. These things were old. A truck that made you laugh and think that maybe someone got fucked over in some bad bet in a horse race. "I'll bet you $1000. What do you have?"...." A wiener Wagon"..."I'll take that bet." Something that you would see and get on your knees to ask god in heaven why this abomination was created. Something that made you thing maybe the week old pizza lying on floor that your dog wouldn't eat is a better idea then eating out of this truck.
That was the Wiener Wagon. Converted roach coach with steam and wiener smell pouring out of it. And if you make me say wiener again we might have to turn this into a gay porn site.
Hey dude, I'm used to the roach coach smell. Fuck, I have been in furlough for so many god damn years and worked in so many god damn warehouses that I know the smell. The fucking "La Cockarocha" horn as they are pulling up to where we are working .Expecting us to pay attention. Like we are gonna come running out there like the damn thing split the Red Sea. "The Romans! They are chasing us!!!" "Hey dude, lets get a hotdog first...that sea looks pretty deep. Check it out dude, Moses has a double chili dog. The Romans can wait cause these fuckers are good."
This wagon was a thing of beauty. Pure fucking American steel. Cooking the hotdogs for you while covering them in chili to cover the taste. See they knew what they had was crap but they made up for it with chili. Kinda like Budweiser. You know it's crap,but if it's free, you just drink it and worry about the details later.
I wont lie to you. I have no fucking idea what these things run. They probably had a big engine?
That's turtles' car review for the night.
But I do know that if you saw one it meant one thing.
Free fucking chili dogs.
And you can't fucking beat free chili dogs, dude
Free chili dogs dude.
Free chili dogs. -T
We both needed a little fun in our lives today. My problem? Meh, a combo of PMS and about eight straight days of torrential downpours does weird things to your brain. I’m in a mood. Ya know? So hey, what better way to drag me out of a mood than to talk about...wieners. Well a specific wiener. No, not his. Get your mind out of the gutter. I’m talking about a wiener on the go. A wiener that can go from 0-60 in umm...five minutes flat? Yea, dude. The Oscar Meyer Wienermobile.
The Popemobile has got nothing on this drive. You can keep your bulletproof glass and armed guard. We’re talking a wiener in motion here. Have you ever seen this thing in person? I saw it once, just once, while on the New Jersey Turnpike on my way to the Meadowlands to see the Islanders get their asses beat by the Devils. Seeing the giant tip of that Wienermobile coming up on us in our rear view mirror on the George Washington Bridge should have been taken as an omen. Turn around! Go back! Evil exists! I mean, there is no way this thing can’t be one of the signs of the apocalypse. Or maybe it’s the fifth horseman. Kinda like the Fifth Beatle. But it brings death instead of pop songs. Death by wiener!
Ok, so it’s just a car with a hot dog on it. But let’s talk specs here. Chevrolet W4 Series Chassis. V-8, 6.0 Liter 350 Vortec 5700 Engine. Fiberglass hot dog. Oh yea. This is one mean, lean all beef machine. Talk about penis-envy. It comes equipped with a fucking wiener shaped instrument panel. Roowrrrrr.
Let’s cut to the chase and say what everyone’s been thinking. Yea. It’s phallic. Well, it’s a fucking wiener, what did you expect? Let’s face it, it looks like a giant cock about to take off from a landing pad, rocketing through orbit in search of the world’s widest vagina. Watch out, Paris Hilton, there’s a Wienermobile headed your way!
Hey and just in case you are in the market for a job, they are hiring drivers! There’s a pick up line for you, girls. “What do I do for a living? Oh, I steer a big cock around all day.” And guys, you can always tell the girls that you are in possession of the largest wiener they will ever lay eyes on. Oh yea, they’ll eat that up. With relish.
And hey, don’t read anything into the fact that the turtle and I both wrote about wiener cars today. Pure coincidence. We’re not horny or anything. Much. -M
Hey, as a bonus, here's the lyrics to the second song.
"Welcome to Der Wienerschnitzel
Don't say we never did anything for you.