car of the night: the super fucking bee
by Michele Christopher
Tonight we take on the Dodge Super Bee because hey, sometimes you just need something to make fun of.
I want to make fun of this car. I really do. Super Bee? Isn’t that kind of....lame? I mean, if you’re gonna name a car after an insect at least give it something with a sense of danger. Not some cartoon bee that looks like it belongs on Nickelodeon teaching your kids about the dangers of riding their bikes without safety gear. Maybe a black widow, or a brown recluse spider. This is a muscle car, for god’s sake. Super Bee? M-u-s-c-l-e, muscle. Denoting strength, bravado, ego. Super Bee? Nah.
But, hey. Who am I to diss on a car that looks like this?
Lame ass logo aside, that’s a pretty sweet looking ride. I mean, that defines muscle car. Reminds you of that guy you see at the gas station all the time, the one always in tight t shirts, arms like a boxer’s, a neck like Rollins, tight jeans, dirty boots, dirty hands, hair slicked back with hard-work sweat, pack of Camels rolled up in the sleeve of his shirt, and when you make a polite little cough to get his attention as he’s bent over the hood of a Dodge because you need him to check your oil and he turns around and stands up to look at you, he’s got this gay ass fucking Super Bee logo in the middle of the tight t shirt and everything is just fucking ruined. That popping noise you hear is a “Dear Penthouse” fantasy being blown apart by some god damn bee in a helmet. The Super Fucking Bee. Jesus, I made fun of a guy for having a fucking bird on his car, you think I'm not going to make fun of a fuzzy insect?
Hey dude, you can dress up this bee any way you want, point remains that it’s a freaking bee. A Super bee. Why not a Killer Bee? Now that would be something. The Dodge Killer Bee! Oh, wait...the Dodge Tick! Now that would be a kick ass logo.
Too bad because the 2007 version is pretty hot looking. But every time I stare at this car and the drool starts to form in the corner of my mouth, a little voice whispers SUPER BEE! in my ear and, well, that's like someone showing you a picture of Bea Arthur naked when you have a raging hard on. Deflation. -M
The Super Bee. I'm not gonna take the time to mock the name cause Michele already did. Oh..oh... yes I am....Super Bee! Super Bee! Super Bee!!! It just sounds funny to say. Say it like three times fast and it gets kinda funny. But really, who in the god damn hell would name a car the fucking Super Bee? I can just see ad execs in a meeting room filled with smoke asking each other... "What do we want to name it?".... "Well this car represents power!"... "I think it more represents strength!"
"I think it more represents a little bee.....buzzing around pollenating flowers...just buzzing around and having a good day...maybe humming a song it heard from the new Peter Paul and Mary album.....but a mean bee! One that considers blood its honey! Makes no excuses and survives off the skin of the other dead bees and sucks their flesh to get their strength and eats the brains to gain their knowlegde!! An Aztec bee who would become a Super Bee after consuming souls of the dead and watching many game shows!! A Super god damn Bee!"
Ok..I went a little crazy there...back to the story.
Who in the fucking hell would give a cool car like this such a shitty name? This name is the biggest travesty I've ever seen. The Nova? That was a bad name. Funny with the Spanish urban legend, but the Super Bee? You might as well cut this car's balls off right off the production line cause you god damned left it to a life of mockery.
Like name a kid "Maurice" or "Jamerson," this car, no matter how cool, was always gonna to get my giggles. Hell, I've seen sex toys named the "Super Bee" so dude, I'm gonna laugh.
Maurice can take the Super Bee out with a dildo up his ass cause even though this is a cool fucking car....
It cries everytime you say it's name. -T