cars/video games of the day: drinking and driving
by Turtle Jones
Ok. After today's incident of me exposing my love to Michele for all you to mock, I am back. We needed something easy and fun to do. It's a slow weekend so we will probably put out the 70's poll in a few hours and leave it up for a few days. It's done and totally ready to get kicked out, but we realize some of you older folks might be playing with your new Ronco Dial-aHeart Kicker to give us your full input. So it will be up for a few days. So that will be later today. The vote poll like thingy.
But for now, we decided we need to get back to cars. We know we have been taking a break on the vroom vrooms for a few days now, but hey dude, it's a four day weekend. You're lucky I'm still awake and Michele isn't packing kids to parties. It sometimes happens. I sleep. She shuttles.
But we will get back on scheldule on Wednesday. Until then we are just gonna fuck around and have fun with you guys. Nothing serious, although we do have alot loaded up that we won't kick out for a few more days just cause of the holiday. I think we have and Underground and a few other things waiting. The 80's nomination will start on Wednesday and go through Thursday.
On this sleepy Sunday, we were lucky enough to have someone suggest a topic for us so we didn't have to think of one. This particular post was inspired by Michele's friend and talented artist Adam Warren who emailed and suggested we combine our love of cars with our fondness for video games. (you can see a lot of Adam’s work in Playstation Magazine. Check out the link for more of his famous artwork).
Video game cars. What's you favorite?
This was a pretty easy game for me to pick. This game cried out to you. '83 or '84? Somewhere around there. I can't really remember. I used to see this sit down version in bars and pool halls. Yes, I grew up in bars. No, it wasn't as cool as you would like to think. Kinda like someone who wants to get backstage at a show. Trying so hard, then seeing what it is. The look of disappointment on their face as we packed in a sandwich from some cheap deli. Bars aren't that great of a place to come up in. So you learn to take what you can get.
But Spy Hunter was cool. Kinda like a Bump and Jump but with guns. And oil slicks. And smoke. And different gears. Ok, maybe it was nothing at all like Bump and Jump. I was wrong there.
But in this game you drove the coolest car. The fastest machine. You had the collest weapons. You weren't a spy hunter. You were justa killer. One of the greatest all out killing games since "Elevator Action". Playing this on four types of drugs with a beer in your hand, you stopped being you.
You became a killing machine.
You laughed as the cars spun out beside you from the oil. Crashing into the side of the road. Burning iron and metal. That's what was left in the background from some fool who wanted you dead. He made a mistake. He buried himself. The hell with him. If we are going all out, I'm using all my resources. Pushing the bikers into the bad guys. Innocents have to sometimes be sacrafied for the good of the mission. What that mission was about was your call. Cars would crash. People would scream. Peter Gunn would be playing. And you would be killing. Plus, you were in a cool car! Your beer would be empty.Get another. Call the waitress over to you. You can't stop now. You just got oil slicks. Drinking and driving had never been that much fun. Nothing could be better then this moment. Cars would come up beside you, spikes on their wheels. Trying to ram you. You couldn't shoot behind you. You had to drive. Drop oil or smoke. Nothing could be better then this. Nothing.
You got missles!
Missles, man! Missles!
My life was now complete.
As long as I can get another fucking beer. Waitress! Yes, I'm fucking 21! Do you think I'd be in a bar if I wasn't? I don't have an ID. I lost it here last night and you said you would find it! So who dropped the ball here, babe? Me or you? Can you just get me another beer while I save humanity from something or other?
That was a cool game. - T
This was the simplest looking game. Like Pac-Man, but with a car, right?* How hard could it be. Well, you have to take the extenuating circumstance into consideration here. I played this game in a club. Rumbottoms, I think. So you take this simple little maze/car game and throw in a few stiff drinks and some crappy Doors cover band playing in the background to distract you and, well, it wasn’t all that simple of a game.
Ok, so let’s drive this little car around. I’m the queen of video games here. The expert. This game is gonna be so easy I’ll be bored in five minutes, and I’ll go back to heckling the Jim Morrison wannabe. Ok car, drive. No, not that way. The other way. I’m not that drunk. I’ve only had one or two shots. Damn it. Where the hell are you going? Why do you keep hitting the wall? Dude, focus! Stay on track! It’s a god damn joystick and a stupid little car, why can’t you keep it on track. Oh fuck. The red cars. They are after me. Hurry, think. What to do? What are these buttons for? Mash, mash, mash the button! Smoke! The car is blowing smoke out its ass! Jim Morrison is singing Strange Days. My car is running out of fuel. I need another shot of whatever that was I was drinking. Yea, drinking and driving the Rally X car. This is not going well. Someone put a cigarette in my mouth and light it please, because I’m not letting go of this joystick. I am gonna make this fucker run this course right. Red car! Red car! Come on, let’s blow some smoke out of our ass....what the hell? They give you a weapon, but you lose fuel when you use it? What the hell kind of deranged thinking is that? You gotta kill these guys but you end up killing yourself in the process. Oh! Hit the wall again. Wheels spinning. Jim Morrison sings. The blue bus is calling us. Dude, fuck your blue bus. This red car is calling me. It’s mocking me. Wait. Bonus round! What the hell? You can run out of fuel in the fucking bonus round? Who designed this game? Marquis de Sade?
It looked so simple. Simple as the bass line to Love Me Two Times. Simple as the doofus flipping his quarter around behind me who doesn’t get the hint that I’m not leaving this game. So many levels, so few Doors songs left. One more shot. One more encore. Yea, a cover band in a shitty bar is doing an encore. I’ve got one more quarter. Friends gather around the machine. They want to go home. Jim Morrison Jr. is butchering Crystal Ship. Ok, keep your cool. Stop banging into the god damn walls. What the hell is wrong with this car? Is it retarded or is it just me? Move, car, move! Red guy! Red guy! HAHAH I AM BLOWING SMOKE OUT MY ASS! I GOT YOU FUCKER!! Yea. I got this car going. This little bastard is a mean machine once you’ve got enough kamikaze shots inside you to get your adrenaline going. This is the only car of its kind where you need to drink in order to drive it. Drop those smoke bombs! We’re on a mission from God! We’re gonna clear those flags and move on to the next round!
The band comes out for its second show. My friends are gone. The dude with the quarter gives up and starts playing pinball. Jim breaks out into a drunken version of Love Me Two Times. It’s just me and my car. My friends let me down. Jim let me down. My car won’t let me........fuck. Out of fuel again. Stupid game. Stupid joystick. Stupid car. I’m gonna go find my friends and get the hell out of here. Hey, what’s this? I’ve got another dollar. That’s four quarters from the bartender! Pinball guy buys me a shot. Jim starts singing Alabama Song. Come on car, let’s blow some smoke out of our ass. It’s only 1am. I’ve got four quarters and no ride home. Might as well drive this fucker into the sunset.
*It actually ran on pac-man hardware - M
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