fuck the afterlife, did you bring extra soy?
by Michele Christopher

Sometimes you sit around and wonder why you are doing what you are doing. Your thoughts wander to a few strange things. Sometimes you click something when your better half is still asleep or away running errands. Sometimes you are just bored. Sometimes you are just hungry. Today we were both talking about food and, well, we were both kinda of out of it. I'll be the first to say I have visited the Texas Corrections site of last meals by prisoners. Just looking at the amount of food they order before they die is just amazing. I mean, I'm not gonna get into if it is right or wrong or the fucking morality of it cause hell, I'm still hungry and reading that list makes me almost wish I had a needle stuck in my arm as long as I could burp up a "Slushee" and fart a "Big Mac". But that wasn't the inspiration for this post. This was Michele asking me what I would like to eat as my last meal. I know what I would want. What about you? Remember, cigarettes and alcohol are prohibited in all State Pens.

Michele goes first.

mexi.jpgLast meal? I am in jail? Zombie infestation? Lex Luthor push the “destroy all humans” button? Well, for argument’s sake, let’s pretend that this last meal is being cooked for me and served to me. Because if I have to cook my own last meal, it’s gonna be a blueberry frosted pop-tart toasted for thirty seconds. Not that it’s my favorite thing, just the easiest. Takes even less strength than opening a can of chili. Really, the prison scenario is the most likely one that will get me this meal. I don’t think the cooks over at Runyon’s are gonna be making any bisque if Lex Luthor is on the loose. What am I on death row for? Let’s just say it involved a person who did not signal before changing lanes. And a signed Dan Pasqua baseball bat that I keep in the back seat of my car. For just such an occasion.

Last meal. This means I am eating strictly for taste. I don’t care about fat content or carbs or sugar or salt intake because I’m gonna be dead real quick after this. Cool. Let’s eat.

Keep in mind, I am not going to eat all of this. Because I’d be dead before good old Barney Fife could hit switch. But I will taste each and every portion of this meal. I am going to die in a glorious food buzz.

  • Steak, medium well, smothered in sauteed mushrooms and onions, Fuck it. Make it rare. Who cares about E. Coli when you’re gonna die anyhow?
  • A pound of bacon, deep fried. Because it’s bacon. The food of the gods.
  • A bowl of seafood bisque from Runyon’s Roadside Tavern in NY.
  • Lobster tails. Really, I just want the butter. I’ll drink it right out of those little cup things they put it in. The hell with the lobster. Give me a cup of drawn butter.
  • A huge bowl of mussels and clams in a seafood broth. My sister once said eating clams is like eating a vagina. How she would know that is beyond me. I don’t really want to know. All I know is that they are slimy and slippery and have the consistency of a huge ball of snot, but they taste really good.
  • A cheeseburger deluxe from the diner. Comes with fries and onion rings. Keep the lettuce and tomato. Who needs that healthy shit when death is standing by, drooling over my bacon?
  • A bowl of Captain Crunch, a little on the soggy side. And a straw for the sugar milk.
  • Steamed vegetable dumpling. Like potstickers, I guess. From the Chinese place. Served with some soy sauce type thing to dip them in. Worth dying for, if done right.
  • Fried calamari. Squid. Deep fried squid. A little lemon, a little kosher salt and you can eat these fuckers all night long.
  • Four meximelts from Taco Bell
  • Apple pie with french vanilla ice cream
  • A Wendys’ Frosty
  • A bottle of Jack Daniels

And if I can’t have all of that, I’ll just take the meximelts (two packets of hot sauce) and the JD (straight up, out of the bottle, thanks)/

Either way, I’m gonna let out one last, glorious fart before they kill me. Any last words, Michele? Oh yea. You could say that.

turtle's picks

I really didn't know parking tickets could get me here. I didn't know parking on lawns was this big of a deal. I need to get out of California. Some of these laws are getting to crazy.lawn.jpg Last thing I knew I was parking on my neighbors lawn and now I'm looking at Father Whateverthefuck in the face asking me if I want some kind of prayer for my soul. Parking tickets, Father, they were just parking tickets. I just parked on someones lawn. That's all I did. Forgive me Father. Let the Lord forgive me.

Yes son. The Lord forgives you. But not me you stupid son of a bitch! That was my fucking lawn! I hope you burn in hell! Who do you think had to pick up your dogs crap? Who do you think had to pick up your beer bottles? Who do you think had to clean his gutters of cigar butts and Camel Lights for the past month! Me! Burn in the 7th level of hell, my son. Burn.

Well, since I am going nowhere with him, I might as well get some good food. I do have to say before I start this that I eat weird things. I smoke cigars. So my taste has been shot for years. I kinda got it back when I quit cigarettes but then I realized how crappy all the food I was eating tasted. So I picked up cigars. Either for that or for the little amount of nicotine in them. Lets not split hairs here. I don't inhale. Much.

So coming to food I have to get a little weird. Most of you have had this and either love it or hate it.

  • Pan Fried Gyoza - Them some good pot-stickers
  • Deep Fried Gyoza - Same thing but with pork. Hey dude. I'm gonna die. Might as well.
  • Croquettes - I don't know why I like these. Just Potato mash that deep fried. Once again. Hey fuck it. I'm gonna die. Ta hell with my chlosterol.
  • Agedashi - Fried tofu. For that last big fart when they stick the needle in. "Yeah. You are killing me, but the smell of the turtle will be in your nose forever." I'm sadistic like that.
  • Flaming Shrooms - Oh for christ sakes. Just the name alone could get you high. A double order of these. Mushrooms stuffed with crab mix, cream cheese, jalapeno, lightly fried, drizzled with special sauce and topped with shaved bonito flakes. Truely something to put you back.
  • Calamari Tempura - I hate tempura. Really hate it. It's like the Japenese version of french fries. But, I do have a love for calamari. Just the little baby ones. You guys know what I'm talking about. Dip them in sauce and slowly put them to your mouth while thinking, "Oh! Please! Please don't eat me!" The biting down on them. That is a God like feeling. Gimmie two orders of those.
  • Oysters In a Half Shell - Meh. What the hell.
  • Sashimi - I'd like it all to be yellow tail, but if things go the way they have been lately, it will be the crap fish, salmon.turtlefood1.jpg Funny thing is if you go into a sushi place and ask them for the "chef's choice" they will give you the "whatever the chef still has from last night" or salmon. So always order the yellowtail. Or tuna. Or they might be the same thing. Hell if I know. All I know is that even in California I can't say salmon without getting laughed at. I guess I say it funny. So I'm sticking with yellowtail. And I might even say that funny. Fuck you. I don't care.

Both of these next items have to be seared. Seared means raw on the inside. Like goo in your mouth. On the grill for a minute, on your plate the next. If they are not seared properly.... I will not go thru with the execution.

  • Hamachi Kama Shio Yaki - I'm getting all Japenese on you. Trust me, mein readers, I had to look this shit up to get the names right. I usually just look at the menu, point and nod to the waitress. It usually works. Sometimes I get kind of screwed. We won't talk about the sea urchin episode. But this is seared yellow tail collar seasoned with salt. I know. This is starting to look like a review of a sushi menu, but it's what I'm hungry for. Good stuff for anyone just getting into sushi. You don't have to get all weird with the chopsticks and really, if I was in prison about to be executed, I'd sharpen those chop sticks into a shive and take someone out.

I got off track.

  • BBQ White Tuna - I need tons of this. Tons. This is what I want them to pull away from me as I am walking away. Grilled white tuna seasoned with special spicy BBQ sauce. In a sushi bar you only get five pieces. But, since I am gonna die, I'll order so much of it that fucking gills will be growing from my neck when they put me down. Aquaturtle with web feet and weird ass looking eyes asking where the bubbling sea chest is while I am trying swim thru the castle underneath the eyes of a fishbowl audience. It's that good.
  • Diet Coke - Cause I'm trying to get an endorsement deal.

Gotta have some cash in the afterlife.


Sea urchin is ghastly.

With all due respect (however much that is), you're dead wrong about salmon. Good salmon is better than o-toro (both raw; only a maniac or a cannibal would cook ocean fish). Not that o-toro isn't good, or horse mackerel.

But even better are the shrimp tempura maki at Tokyo Restaurant on Wickenden St. in Providence, RI. There is nothing better on this earth.

There is also monkfish liver. I had this at Café Sushi in Harvard Square a few years back; they don't usually have it. There was a little dab of orange glop on top. It was like foie gras, but... different. Fan. Fucking. Tastic.

So: miso soup, green tea, TK's shrimp tempura maki, CS's monkfish liver thingies, and salmon, tuna, and mackerel nigiri. And somebody else to eat half of all that.


Nice big rare kobe steak, frito pie, fried okra, seared tuna steak, asparagus dripping in butter, and a well done slab of sole. Not because I think sole is the bees knees or anything, but because I want to be known as a cannibal before I die. Or a maniac. I bet that would get me mad props in prison.
Then chase that all down with a great big chocolate shake from steak n shake. And I have to go with turtle on the salmon thing. Could never really see what was so great about the stuff, regardless of preparation.


sea urchin is bad, I think we can all agree on that.

I am a tuna guy. Part of the reason I don't eat salmon is cause of the way I say it, so I never really got into it. Ever the waiter laughs when I order it. So I sure as hell wouldn't want the Warden laughing at me. I mean I am about to die man.


that was me by the way


you say the 'L' don't you turtle... i'm kinda embarassed to know you now...



I say the L.

Sal - mon.

Maybe that's why I don't order it either.

That and I just don't like it. So fuck the SAL MON.



I say the L

It's like saying your cousin "Saul's" name with a Jamacian ending

"Hey! Saul, mon, let's score some ganja!"

something like that


Are you back yet, kali? Or are you still off being a bum?

As for last meals, fuck seafood. Can't stand it. But it is sa-man.

Gimme a porterhouse, blackened cajun style, over an open flame. Charcoal flame, that is.

Nachitoches meat pies. Real New York cheesecake.

Lots of beer. Guinness with the widget, thanks.


alcohol is prohibited.

unless it's pruno.

and if you ever drank that shit, you will know the dance of death going down your throat.

so just stick with the cheesecake


Dude. I am in Seattle, the capital of all Salmon.

It's "Sam-in."

And it's vile. I don't like it. Not at all.


i just want to say, I do know how to say it right, I just can't do it. My family has fucked me up for years trying to get me say it right. I just can't do it. Maybe I relax too much and just say it the way I do. But, I stopped ordering it cause of my accent.


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