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fuck the afterlife, did you bring extra soy?
by Michele Christopher
Sometimes you sit around and wonder why you are doing what you are doing. Your thoughts wander to a few strange things. Sometimes you click something when your better half is still asleep or away running errands. Sometimes you are just bored. Sometimes you are just hungry. Today we were both talking about food and, well, we were both kinda of out of it. I'll be the first to say I have visited the Texas Corrections site of last meals by prisoners. Just looking at the amount of food they order before they die is just amazing. I mean, I'm not gonna get into if it is right or wrong or the fucking morality of it cause hell, I'm still hungry and reading that list makes me almost wish I had a needle stuck in my arm as long as I could burp up a "Slushee" and fart a "Big Mac". But that wasn't the inspiration for this post. This was Michele asking me what I would like to eat as my last meal. I know what I would want. What about you? Remember, cigarettes and alcohol are prohibited in all State Pens.
Michele goes first.
Last meal? I am in jail? Zombie infestation? Lex Luthor push the “destroy all humans” button? Well, for argument’s sake, let’s pretend that this last meal is being cooked for me and served to me. Because if I have to cook my own last meal, it’s gonna be a blueberry frosted pop-tart toasted for thirty seconds. Not that it’s my favorite thing, just the easiest. Takes even less strength than opening a can of chili. Really, the prison scenario is the most likely one that will get me this meal. I don’t think the cooks over at Runyon’s are gonna be making any bisque if Lex Luthor is on the loose. What am I on death row for? Let’s just say it involved a person who did not signal before changing lanes. And a signed Dan Pasqua baseball bat that I keep in the back seat of my car. For just such an occasion.
Last meal. This means I am eating strictly for taste. I don’t care about fat content or carbs or sugar or salt intake because I’m gonna be dead real quick after this. Cool. Let’s eat.
Keep in mind, I am not going to eat all of this. Because I’d be dead before good old Barney Fife could hit switch. But I will taste each and every portion of this meal. I am going to die in a glorious food buzz.
And if I can’t have all of that, I’ll just take the meximelts (two packets of hot sauce) and the JD (straight up, out of the bottle, thanks)/
I really didn't know parking tickets could get me here. I didn't know parking on lawns was this big of a deal. I need to get out of California. Some of these laws are getting to crazy. Last thing I knew I was parking on my neighbors lawn and now I'm looking at Father Whateverthefuck in the face asking me if I want some kind of prayer for my soul. Parking tickets, Father, they were just parking tickets. I just parked on someones lawn. That's all I did. Forgive me Father. Let the Lord forgive me.
Yes son. The Lord forgives you. But not me you stupid son of a bitch! That was my fucking lawn! I hope you burn in hell! Who do you think had to pick up your dogs crap? Who do you think had to pick up your beer bottles? Who do you think had to clean his gutters of cigar butts and Camel Lights for the past month! Me! Burn in the 7th level of hell, my son. Burn.
Well, since I am going nowhere with him, I might as well get some good food. I do have to say before I start this that I eat weird things. I smoke cigars. So my taste has been shot for years. I kinda got it back when I quit cigarettes but then I realized how crappy all the food I was eating tasted. So I picked up cigars. Either for that or for the little amount of nicotine in them. Lets not split hairs here. I don't inhale. Much.
So coming to food I have to get a little weird. Most of you have had this and either love it or hate it.
Both of these next items have to be seared. Seared means raw on the inside. Like goo in your mouth. On the grill for a minute, on your plate the next. If they are not seared properly.... I will not go thru with the execution.
I got off track.
Gotta have some cash in the afterlife.