Advertise With Us||Links||
Submission Guidelines||Subscribe to Feed||Contact
Leave the gun. Take the cannolis. What movies came out when you were born?
by Michele Christopher
So what year was it? When were you born? What do you look back on in pride or shame and say "Crap. I was born in that year." What was your year? We don't wanna push any of you to reveal your age. We realize that some of you may be, well, pussies, but none the less, we threw our egos to the wind and picked a movie from each year. The ones we were born in. Some of us, read me, always gets lucky when we do stuff like this. Some of us, read Michele, always get screwed. And you know the funny part is, she comes up with these ideas. Little lesson to you all. If you are running a site with someone else always check your facts before you come up with an idea because you might get grabbed in the poo poo.
So what do we have tonight? Movies! What movie came out in the year you were born? Grab a movie and tell us about it!
Here are ours.
Well turtle sure lucked out on this one. This is where it sucks being old. Well, it always kind of sucks being old, but it sucks more when you are trying to do something like this. Because Turtle gets cool things like the "Godfather" and "Fritz the Cat" to choose from and I get a bunch of war movies. But, this was my idea. So I have to go with it. Just like the last time something was my idea and I fucked myself with it.
Some shit happened. Castro was getting on everyone's nerves. Some people died, some people were born, some planes crashed, some songs were released, some movies were made. Not a lot of good movies, though. I almost though I was going to be able to write about Mothra, the greatest Japanes monster to ever terrorize the planet, but. after checking conflicting sources, I realized it was released in 61. Oh well.
Well, fuck it. We're gonna talk about Elvis. Yea, of all the movies that came out in 1962, I'm pulling out the Elvis flick. There's a reason for this.
So, because Velvis is so good to me in my dreams, I'll talk about his 1962 release, Girls! Girls! Girls! Yes, we are all singing the Crue song in our head now. Handful of grease in my hair feels right. Yea, I could definitely see Elvis singing that.
Anyhow, this movie. Yes, I've seen it. As a child, I was forced into viewing every Elvis movie in existence. My mom was pretty cool in that she instilled in me a love of horror movies, but I don't know if that makes up for the Elvis movie/album marathons. Elvis in Hawaii. Clambake. Some movie where Mary Tyler Moore is a nun and Elvis seduces her. I think. I think he has to battle Jesus for Mary's heart or something. Not like a fistfight battle or anything, though that would be cool. Just a battle of Mary Tyler Moore's conscience. Who would win? Her savior or her heated loins? I don't think she was even really a nun in that movie, anyhow. Which kind of sucks for Elvis, because that means they started their relationship of with a lie. He thought he was going to get busy with a nun. That was probably the whole attraction right there. Turns out she wasn't really holy. So what was that shit about "I'm saving for myself for Jesus?" Did she mean her gardner? Oh, there might have been a donkey in this movie, too. I don't think the donkey figured into the love scenes, but it was there. I'll have to ask Velvis about that if I see him tonight. Geez, this isn't even the movie I'm supposed to be writing about. That was 69. My sister was born in 69, does that count? No. Hmm. Ok, moving on.
Hey, did Elvis ever make a space movie? That would be cool. Elvis the Astronaut. Takes off for planets uknown, in search of life. He's gonna help save Earth or something. And then he finds this planet of hot chicks. And just as he's about to get horizontal with the most beautiful alien/woman/bipedal on the planet, Kirk shows up and challenges him to a duel. WInner takes the alien lady. Loser gets sent home with blue balls. But they don't fight it out with light sabers or anything like that. No, they have a sing-off.
At the cantina.
Han Solo is there.
Hey, Han is kind of like Elvis, too. See, he always....
Ok, I'm stopping there. -M
1972. The year of big cars, forgotten dreams and the end of a war. Almost. TV was shitty and the world was going to hell. The 60's pipe flash was just a dream. There was never a utopian society. There never will be one. If you still believed that society existed, go see a pastor named Jim Jones in Oakland. He and his flock are moving to Southern Guana to try this who society thing over. If you like slavery and suicide, this place was calling you.
And Kool Aid.
But 1972. What do I have as far as movies? A quick look at the imdb gives me a clue. Oh yeah. I got lucky again.
So tonight in tribute to Michele, I will do a movie that presents her family in a pristine light. One that perfectly describes who she is and how her family works. A movie that if any of you watched, you would say, "that is Michele." You know where I am going with this.
So what did I pick?
Bad accents. Yup. That's Michele. People yelling. Yeah. That's Michele. Italian food everynight. Um, yeah. That's Michele. It's like this movie was written for her or I'm just being goofy and want to poke her with a big stick. A big stick name Fredo that has a ravioli on the end just begging for some kind of red sauce.
If you can't tell, I'm still mad about World Cup. Damn Italians.
See, I can do this cause she knows I'm not serious
But really. I like this movie. Although I don't really understand why everyone was so angry. In California, we sit down when we have a problem with someone. Have some coffee. Slowly talk our issues out. Then we blow their fucking head out with a sawed off shotgun. The pasta thing. I can't get that. Really, when Michele makes pasta, I'm scared she has a .22 taped to the back of the toliet. I guess in New York they just don't like coffee. That pasta thing. Just weighs you down. At least with coffee you can run away after you shoot a police seargent. Pasta would just give me a cramp.
I don't like running anyways, but having a lump of tortellini in my gut as I jump garabage cans running away from the East Side mob doesn't particularly interest me. Call me weird.
I got off track again....
This was a really a good movie that turned me onto the wide world of gangsters. Cause these guys were cool. Gangsters were cool. The mob was cool.They had fun. Sure, they had to kill a few people now and then. Sure, the kids were dying like flies. Sure, Brando was as corrupt and as ruthless as they come. But what families don't have some problems? They had pasta. And a family that eats together controls the Lower East Side together. Or something like that. I can't remember that movie too well.
Brando. The godfather. He had problems. He handled them in the same way I handle problems. Calm, decisive, and with a handgun. Well, maybe not the handgun part for me. But, he had the upper hand. Always. Don't offer him some cake? Fuck off. Don't help his friends? Go away. Not only did Brando tell you to go away, but he also lectured you on why he was denying your request. He told you he wouldn't help you cause you didn't help him. See, that's a real cool way to go thru life. Like Satanism. Help me and I'll help you you out. Call Anton LeVay cause I think we have a ghost writer. And if you didn't like the way he operated, Sonny would break your kneecaps.
1972 also had "Fritz the Cat" but I was so drugged up when I saw that, all I can remember is a cat with a dick and I really can't write a whole lot on that.
Unless the cat is was really hung.
Cause that would be funny. - T