YEARS OF THE RAT

First in the cycle, Rat Years begin the sequence and recur every twelfth year. The Chinese New Year does not fall on a specific date, so it is essential to check the calendar to find the exact date on which each Rat year actually begins and when the god damned steamed baos are gonna get to the table.

THE SIGN OF THE RAT

Being born under this sign determines many talents, as well as other characteristics that may not be so commendable. Rats are very lively and need a lot of mental and physical stimulation. They seem to like extra hot mustard and baked baos. They can be calm and perceptive, but sometimes their brains can cause a mental restlessness, tempting them to take on too much, only to discover they are unable to meet their commitments. Rats are blessed with one of the best intellects going. Add to their intelligence a curiosity and a bright imagination, and they seem as sharp as a needle.

The sign of the Rat is the first sign in the cycle giving Rat people exude great leadership qualities and are good at taking the lead. They don't mind a lot of responsibility and they demonstrate a strong presence that other people respect. For those with the Rat nature, status and monetary satisfaction are the greatest motivation. Cause that extra god damn soy sauce ain't gonna order itself.

CHARACTERISTICS

Smart, Magnetic, Well-liked, Affable, Quick-witted, Surreptitious, Selfish, Protective, Calculating and loving Won Ton Soup.

THE WATER RAT 1912 AND 1972

Being guided by the Water element means these Rats have a knack for influencing people. They want extra rice. And they want it without all that damn scamble egg crap they put in there. Extra egg just means extra things the Rat gets to throw at you. With their strong intellectual powers and great insight, they are also great puzzle solvers.

MONEY AND THE RAT

Cunning and thrifty, Rats have a knack with money and are apt to save for rainy days. Or if Del Taco puts a new line of food. Or if it's "Taco Tuesday". When capable, the Rat is a great money saver, and in strapped times he knows how to make something out of nothing or how to turn make things advantageous for himself. Taco Tuesday has saved the Rat occasions. For this, the Rat will always support Del Taco. Even when the Rat is running low on money, the Rat will buy a "Macho Combo Burrito". Although few Rats suffer financially, the Chinese have a proverb: They who pile up grain hoards have much to lose and those who ask for too much hot sauce sometimes get screwed.

FRIENDS AND ENEMIES

Generally friendly and sociable, the Rat is one of the extroverts of the Animal Zodiac. Often, the Rat is lively and genial, and has a special gift for easing the minds of others. It is not surprising that Rats have a lot of friends. The Rat knows that eating for free is going to come with a price. Chow mein doesn't come for free. The Rat will accept it. The rat must talk to people in order to get his belly filled with Moo Shoo pork and plum sauce. They are great speakers and intriguing conversationalists, and can generally find something to say on just about any topic or subject. Of course, there is always that renowned Rat lure that allows them to charm the pants off of people! To the people they love, Rats can be amazingly charitable, popular and supportive, and will go out of their way to be certain their loved ones are content. On the other hand, if the Rat does not like someone, he is considered fair game and can be used to achieve any and all of the Rat's desires. At the end of the day, though, the Rat is a loyal friend and will be there for his companions through thick and thin. If they have any chow mein left. If so, a friend is born. If not the Rat will walk away and put on some punk rock.

LOVERS AND PARTNERS

Rats are beautiful people with magnetic personalities. The Rat himself can't help but notice the admiration he receives from others. If the Chinese say there are few poor Rats, there are an even fewer number who are not sexually stimulating- especially as young people. Rat people are romantic, and are always happier to have someone to share with. Because Rats are Stud Muffins.

RAT ENRAPTURE

One of the Rat's greatest assets is his charm. Rats can melt hearts with their smiles and the way they can cook up "Hamburger Helper". Add that to their coquettish personalities and you can easily see how they conquer the hearts of others. And, since Rats love to go out, they have plenty of chances to meet potential suitors or future partners. A way to a Rat's heart is a love of "Little House". If the potential suitor does not like "Little House" the relationship is doomed. An annoying quirk of some Rats is they have a difficult time severing ties with former lovers. Unless they were bitches. Which they all are. Rats just want their CDs back and to lose their phone number. Rats realize that some of them want to keep the CDs, so Rats have to call them every once in a while and tell them to put the fucking things in the mailbox. Rat's ex's tend to be selfish broads who just want to keep the Rats out of print records. Obviously, this can pose potential conflicts for the Rat and his new lover and can even endanger his ability to develop new relationships. When the Rat finally settles down with Mr. or Ms. Right, he will find a sincere satisfaction in the intimacy of the partnership. - T

Michele is up next.

The Most Wonderful Thing About Tigers

Tiger people are difficult to resist, for they are magnetic characters and their natural air of authority confers a certain prestige on them. (I act like I know what I’m talking about )

Their ability to consider feelings and ideas from other people makes them quite sensible and understanding. (I act like I know what you’re talking about)

They are also born with a great intuitive power, which gives them accurate and excellent judgement. (I can spot a jackass a mile away)

As friends, Tigers are exceptionally warm and incredibly generous with their time, attention and money. (I will buy your friendship)

Friends are always welcome in a Tiger’s home and will most often be greeted with a cup of coffee, an ear, a tissue, an open mind and an open wallet. (If I give you five bucks, will you leave? And take that used tissue with you)

Few friends could be as caring and affectionate, as quirky and surprising, or as genuinely interested as the Tiger. (I won’t show up anywhere I say I will, but I’ll be very upset about disappointing you)

Tigers have the ability to lift the spirits of even the most depressed or lonesome individual they meet. (We have “fix it” issues)

Once a Tiger has committed himself to you, he can tend to want to dominate or lead you. (I am a control freak)

The tiger’s partner must also be able to stand the mood swings, the ups and downs, the good with the bad (I have PMS all the time)

Tigers are unpredictable and it would be unwise to underestimate their reactions. They may appear cool, but they have the Big Cat's instincts to pounce at a moment's warning. (My doctor calls this Violent Mood Swings)

The Tiger is a bit indecisive, a habit of nature born of his routine of watching and waiting before leaping. (I’m hoping the problem works itself out before I have to put any effort into it)

Sometimes too, Tigers get caught sleeping or daydreaming, prohibiting them from going for the goals they initially set out to accomplish. (This is what’s known as ‘procrastinate until it’s too damn late to do anything about it’)

Trust, passion, politeness and spontaneity are only a few characteristics of the Tiger mate. (I will ask nicely before I tie you up)

They are spontaneous lovers who never lose their creative spark or flare for an evening of passion. They offer their partner a hint of danger and exhibit a curiosity for the unknown. (Safe words are for pussies)

Ideal jobs for tigers include entrepreneur, military officer, politician, musician, writer, poet, artist, theater director, stockbroker, athlete, film star, trade union leader, company director, stunt person, explorer, and teacher. (I told you an English degree was worth shit)

Virgo Tigers can be pretty picky when it comes to choosing a partner. They have an eye for detail that can cause them to be a little neurotic at times. (Third time’s the charm)

Tigers are incredibly sexy people, beautiful to most people and sensually romantic. (Yes. Yes we are. And we’re modest) - M

So that's what we did today.

This was supposed to be a fast post, but as you all know from reading above, Rats are perfectionists and Tigers are procrastinators, so we take our time. Something will be coming out later, but today we just needed a laugh.

But, We really would like to hear your take on your year.The year you were born in. Go to this site and look up your year. Tell us what you think is bullshit and what makes you sit back and think they might be right.

We will see you guys later in the everning. Or maybe not.

Tigers and rats sometimes like to just play alone...