we have a date with the underground, chapter 18
by Turtle Jones

This is chapter 18 of the Underground series but part 4 of 4 of this particular story.


In the last episode we were left with....

Lit a smoke and dreamed of the sleep of the dead. Looked at my watch again.

It was only Tuesday.

I had a date with Captain Sabertooth.

I woke up on the last day. Hotel room covered in amps and strings. The place was trashed. Broken amps, wire, strings, more broken amps and bodies on the floor. What the hell happened this week? I had a stolen pair of sunglasses on and a few kroners in my pocket. No idea what time it was. No idea what I was on. No idea how much more I could take.

I won't bore you with the earlier parts of the story. The three days were a haze of raves, backstages and some weird Norwegian drinks. Don't ask me. By this time I had made good friends with a lot of the stage crew. I was helping repair stuff when they couldn't for free beer. If they kept me fed and got me drunk, I would show them how to get this thing working again. But, right now I was still in the hotel. I was sick of vodka. Sick of my own brain. I took the walk of cowards and went out to get beer. Hell, I had no money. Something has to work for me today. Or is it night? For some strange reason I was trying to clean a string the night before with hot water. Hey! It was almost boiling! I open the door and lit one of my last cigarettes. Stared at the smoke that whiffed off it as I noticed something coming at me in the corner of my eye.

"I am Captain Sabeltann! You thought you would escape! There is no escape from the Captain!"

got to be.....
kidding ......

I pushed him aside and kept walking. He walked up behind me and demanded I accompany him to the zoo. See above remark. He followed me out to the parking lot and kept dancing around me. belvoir.jpgI just stood there and looked at him. He put his fake sword up to my neck. Told me I needed to come to the Zoo with him. I looked at the ground and stepped on my cigarette. Asked him what time it was. He told me. Asked him for a cigarette. He had none. Told him I was from America. He said ok. Asked him where the nearest liquor store was. He looked at me and said, "I guess this means you're not coming to the zoo?"

What the fuck do you think, Blackbeard? Tell me where the store is and we can end this, ok?

He pointed his sword down the road and I was off.

I made it to the store. I had no idea what time it was in Norway. It had to be early. Bought a six-pack of tall boys with my last kroners and headed back out the hotel. I cut back thru the woods to get to the hotel faster. The woods were nice. I needed to savor this moment. Lit a smoke and sat down. Norway was beautiful. The way the rising sun just touched on the rocks that jutted out of the grass. The smell of the fresh air in my lungs. Even the trees seemed to asking me to just enjoy their beauty. Just sit here for awhile, turtle, and enjoy how calming and pristine life is.

I crushed the beer can and thru it in the woods. Put the smoke out on a rock and kept walking. Hey dude, if I have to face ugliness when I go back home, so should those damn fjords. I looked back to ask myself if I had done wrong. I swear I could hear the fjords crying as I walked away.

The hotel room was packed with people. Strings, hot water and people. Germans...why are there Germans here? What the hell happened last night? Put my mind back together and put on my jacket. Great. It was torn. Ok. For those of you who don't know, tearing a Levi jacket from behind the collar is pretty hard. Someone has to almost pick you up for that to happen. Wait. Did that happen? I need a shower. I'm no fool. I know what happens when you have the only beer in the house. I took two and put them in my pockets and hid the others. Took a shower. Got out and put my pants back on. Covered in grass stains and pizza stains. Well, these are shot. All my other clothes were covered in the same stains and had the same smell. See, if you don't shower, you don't notice the smell. But when you do shower, whoa, you notice the stench. I had nothing else to wear. I was done with this show so it didn't matter to me. Just put them on and go back for the last day. Turbonegro was playing tonight and I had acquired a backstage pass. I do that. Put on the ripped jacket and try to find my last three beers. Shit. They had been found. Oh well. Let's just get to show.

I packed up my things and left my bag by the door. Kicked everyone out and paid off the charges to the front desk. We had a short time frame to work with. Had to be on a plane to Amsterdam about four hours after the show ended so we had to be ready to go. rundoriginal2.gif See the show and go. Sometimes it works that way. So I was ready. Let's go to the show.

Captain Sabertooth had given up on me. He just looked sad, like I was missing the greatest show in the world at the zoo. Meh. I'm calling myself Chucky Chuck by this time so I don't think I would be a very good person to have at your play. My name's not even close to Chucky Chuck and I'm talking to myself in the third person. Zoos would not be good for Chucky Chuck. Chucky Chuck needs beer and pizza.

I will admit going over that bridge for the last time was a little sad. Kinda like an orgasm. You know it will be over right when you cum but you still want to do it. I had to do it. Then it would be over. That was when you can finally sleep. Well, not for us. We still had more to do after the show, but that's a different story for another day.

The park was now slick with beer cups and urine. The little cove was covered in cigarette butts. This once great area was now destroyed. Nothing but the stench of puke was all that was left. The grass was trampled. Like it had been invaded by pizza eating drunks. Which it kinda had been. I climbed backstage and drank a beer. Got some free pizza and just waited. For any of you who think you have tasted great pizza before, you haven’t. Norway had the best god damn pizza in the world. It's truly a work of art. Don’t ask me why and don't ask me how, but it is a masterpiece of cheese and sausage. I sat there chewing it trying to get my buzz back. A small brick of hash was handed to me and, yeah, I imbibed.

Ok. Turbonegro is on in 20 minutes. A little bit of darkness was covering the Norway sky. You can't ask for much in a Norway summer. The sun owns it. But, for those few priceless minutes, the sun was beat back. It was dark. The darkness had won. Turbonegro had won. They were back.

The piano intro starts and my skin sticks up. I stopped breathing Norwegian air five minutes ago. Now it is Turbo air. The intro stops with the last words fading off into a whisper. This was it. This is why we were there. The whole stage explodes in fire and the set is going. They come out and just play. Like I'd always imagined. I was down in the front now trying to start a pit. People telling me in funny languages to knock it off. Move up to the rail and get pulled over by my ripped jacked and pushed on the ground. Some big Norwegian guy telling me they don't do that dancing here. turbonegro22.jpg Hey, wasn't I just drinking beer with you? He pushes me backstage and a flyer was pushed into my pocket. After show. Private party. Cool. I'll be there. A few bands and beer. Turbo just blew up that night. They were back. But then, it was over. That was it. They did play for about an hour and a half, but I wanted more.

Let's find this after party. We had accomplished our mission. The park had done its job. I walked out looking at some fucked up instructions not knowing where the hell I was going. Found the local time and kept walking. The town square was talking over by Turbojugend. All screaming about how they had erection. That's cool, but we need to find this party. I was lost until I ran into some guys I never thought I would see again. The "Protest House"!!! They showed me how to get there then walked away to protest something or another. The hell if I know. The party was in a tiny club behind an apartment complex. I had two hours left. I was pushing it. While I was walking in I thought I recognized someone break dancing on a piece of cardboard in front of a bunch of people. I walked up. That's not him. But yes, mien readers, it was. Euroboy was spinning on his head.

Ok. This party just got official weird.

I walked inside and got a beer. Have to be on a plane quick so I need this fast. Two bands were playing that night. Meh, I already saw them during the week. I sat down and just slammed it. Walked around the corner to find someone I didn't expect to see.

Hank Von Helvete! Oh, this is cool. I sat and talked with him for about 20 minutes while he told us that Turbojugend USA was a big part of them coming back. That's cool.

I walked out that night to catch a plane thinking about all the money I spent. All the things I had done. All of the pirates and the kids. All of the drinks I had put back. All of the drugs I had done. All of the friends I had made. And all of the pizza I ate. I watched the sun rise and got in a taxi to go to the airport.

All I could think about was....

That was cool. I love Norway.

But, I had to get to Amsterdam.

That's another story for another day.

Turbonegro - Age of Pamparius


I loved this whole story. Thanks for sharing it with us.

And for introducing us to Captain Sabertooth. He's kind of cool in a scary, demented way.


ya thanks turtle...this one made me jealous.


Glad you liked my country. Good story. And remember; there's no escaping Captain Sabertooth.


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