What you didn't know about snack cakes
by Turtle Jones
Those cheap little things you bought when you were too hammered to drink or too sped out to breathe. But, they looked good. The hell with those Slim Jim things. Meh. Too much plastic involved in that. Beef jerky? Meh. I'd rather chew on leather at two in the morning. But these snack cakes, right next to the register, they looked good.
Looking your eyes up and down the rack. They brought back childhood memories of Marvel comic books and some stupid character beating some bad guy's ass for just a little bit of the frosty goodness or apple like filling.
The hostess with the mostess. These will bring you up in a sugar fix!
But, there was something weird with these things. The names. The mascosts. Some little cowboy with a rope. Some King. Something. Who was designing and naming these things?
So tonight we will go over some of the, well, most out of place names in all snackcake history. Maybe go into wierd snack cake rituals.
It might be just random. We don't know. But we just want to point out that the brand designer might have been playing for the other team.
Twinkies, Ding Dongs, Ho-Ho's, Snowballs, and Frosted Cupcakes
I have had a running theory for many years. You all must read it now.
Only years later do you look back at these and ask yourself why did you eat them. Kinda like the same way you see a bottle of Lucky Brand Vodka and ask yourself why. Why did you drink that? Oh yeah. Handle for three bucks. That's why. Vodka, speed and one other food product. The only thing you could keep down. Hostess products.
I see where I am going with this, so before we start, I just want to say some of my best friends are homosexual. But fuck man, even they think these names are queerer then a three dollar bill. I always wondered why they laughed when I wanted to get a Ding Dong or a Twinkie. Hey dude. If they can make fun of the names, I can too. My friends were the first ones to point out this weirdness of the names. There is, well, I don't know, just too many similarities in all these names. I guess I can make fun of these without someone thinking I hate homosexuals. Cause I don't. Hell, I've went to boy scout camp. I've been "experienced."
Anyways. Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let's get into the review.
Let's start this out right. The Twinkie! The Twinkie doesn't really have that bad of a name. Just kind of a step in to where they were going with this. Just a little step. A little taste. Not many people got the Twink reference. But really, it had a cowboy as its mascot. Ready to rope you. Fill you with his creamy goodness. Tie you up and have a shelf life that could stand a nuclear war. He would stay hard forever. Till you were done sucking his creme. Stick your tongue deep into the creamy goo and suck it back. The cowboy won't untie you, twink, until he is all the way inside you. Keep sucking till the yellow dong of spongecake is done. The cowboy wants it. He wants you to eat his cream.
Moving on. Let's review the Ding Dong. Oh christ. This one is a gimmie. I dare any of you to walk into any store and ask the managers for a case of Ding Dongs cause you are horny. Just try it for fun. "I need some ding dongs, a lot of them, cause I have an itch that needs to be scatched." Chocolately goodness with a sweet cream explostion on your face. Dripping into your mouth. Try it. I dare you. When the creme is all licked off your face look at whomever is sitting next to you and tell them you need another Ding Dong. Double Ding Dong. Cause you can take it.
Plus it looks like that giant ebony butt plug that's endorsed by that good looking guy on "Miami Vice".
Next up we have Ho Ho's. I am kinda confused about this one. It seems Hostess wants to throw a fucking ratchet in my theory about gay sex snack cakes. That sounds like a great name for a band. "Welcome now! One night only! The Gay Sex Snack Cakes!" I always get off track. Anyways.This was like someone in the Research and Development Department walked into some gay sex orgy and said "What the fuck is going on here???" Turtle's theory kinda hits a snag here. Ho hos. Well, he had to put some kind of idea in there. Something. R/D needs ideas. And if the guy didn't play ball he would be working at Walmart within a month. So he went along. Hostess was turning gay. How could he go fully overboard and show the world that they weren't totally gay? Maybe a bi-sexual snack cake? Maybe down low snack cakes? Aw fuck it. Ho-Ho's. Sure, they are named after prostitutes, but they look like cocks. Big black cocks. See, the bi-sexual snack cake comes back into play here. It's like you can eat Twinkies all day but as long as you have a Ho Ho once a week, you aren't gay. Down low snack cakes.
What do we have next. Oh crap. I knew this one was coming. The Sno-ball. There isn't a whole hell of a lot to say about a snack cake named after a sex act of passing cum back and forth between two gay men while making out after oral sex. Not that I would know anything about this, but anyways. I will say that they might have went a little too far with the coconut and the pink coloring. I mean hell, all you have to do is pierce its nipples and get them a float on Gay Pride Day in San Francisco and you got yourself a blue ribbon in the "Gayest Food Ever Named" category. This was a cake you had to think about before you ate it. You might need to use protection on this one. Glory Holes. Thy name is Hostess Sno-balls.
What's left....Frosted Cupcakes. Hmm. What to say. I like these.
So in the end, my theory is Hostess is trying to turn us all on to a sugar diet racked with homosexual sex and creme filling. Which isn't that bad if you think about it. Gay men always dress better and they do tend to cook better. But, I'm watching my weight. Getting married, you know. - T
Snack cakes. Those things your mother stuffed into your lunchbox and you traded them with someone else for something better. Most people traded theirs for other foods. I would trade mine for baseball cards. A Yodel for a Rusty Torres? You got it!
What? You don’t know what a Yodel is? You must not be from the Northeast then. Here, we get Drake’s snack cakes. Yodels. Devil Dogs. Yankee Doodles. Ring Dings. I think everywhere in the US has these things, they are just called something different and made by a different company where you are. We have Yodels, you have Ho Hos. And honestly, I’d rather eat a Yodel. I can’t imagine sitting in the cafeteria in fourth grade trying to trade someone for a Ho Ho.
Ok, so I just looked it up. A Yodel is a Ho Ho. The hos are made by Hostess. We have Hostess here, too. But just not the Ho Hos. Maybe they made a deal with Drakes. Because we have all the other Hostess products on our shelves, just not the Ho Hos. We’ve got Twinkies though.
Let me tell you about Twinkies. I fucking hate them. And I’ve been called un-American for that. Everyone loves Twinkies, I’ve been told. Only communists hate them. Well slap a mustache on me and call me Trotsky, then. I’m a commie. Because I loathe Twinkies. The texture of the sponge cake, the uber sweetness of the filling, the gritty feeling it leaves in your mouth, like you just brushed your teeth with a bowl full of sugar....and the name. Twinkies. Who thinks this shit up? Twinkies? I knew a guy once with that nickname. And it had nothing to do with snack cakes. But it did have to do with creamy filling.
Apparently there are lots of things you can do with a Twinkie. The snack cake, not my friend. I’m sure there are lots of things you can do with Twinkie my friend, and I bet he would thoroughly enjoy most of them, especially if they involved being stuffed with creamy filling, but I’m talking about the food here.
People deep fry these things. I’m sure you’ve all seen this by now. Deep fried Twinkies. Why? I have to ask myself this all the time. Why? Or I should ask God. Why, god? Why do you allow such abominations of food products to exist? Shouldn’t you be striking every county fair with a deep fryer with lightning? I’m sure it’s in Leviticus somewhere: Thou shalt not take sugar-laden sponge cakes and put them in vats of hot oil to form a snack that could very well kill you on the spot. Kill them! Kill them all!
Wait, it gets worse. I present to you, the Twinkie wedding cake. Again, we are talking about the Hostess cakes. Not my friend. Because he once did pop out of a cake. He was wearing nothing but a G-string and some pasties and a few splatters of whipped cream. I wasn’t there, but I saw the video. It used to be called “Brandon’s Wild Orgy” but now it’s just called Exhibit A in some divorce court in New Jersey.
Anyhow, the wedding cake. Made out of Twinkies. Why? Again, I ask myself this questions. Why? And I won’t even ask God about this one because I’m thinking even he doesn’t have an answer for this. I mean, I’m not much better. I was just yesterday wondering about having a bride and groom molded out of cranberry sauce. And a cranberry wedding cake. Hey, it’s a Thanksgiving theme. Work with me here. But Twinkies? TWINKIES? They are about 2 dollars a box. I’m thinking that the people who first came up with this idea were just a couple of cheap bastards who thought the wedding guests would see “quirkiness” when the cake came out and wouldn’t get that the lovely couple just didn’t care enough about them to spend decent money on a real wedding cake. Splurge a little, people. Twinkies suck.
Not my friend. Well. Yea, he does, too. But...hey, Turtle is the one with the gay sex thing tonight. I'm staying out of that.
I just realized I don't like snack cakes all that much. Except when SeanBaby talks about them. Because then you get Daredevil with your fruit pies.
Hey, I could have said something about Aquaman and fruit pies. But I didn't.