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by A Guest Author
We all do goofy things when we're drunk... Tonkin seems to do them while dressed as "The King".....
Friday night I had to bartend, but we were very slow. A group of about 10 or 12 of my friends came in and kept buying me shots, since they were my only customers. Well the end of the night rolls around, and I am three sheets to the wind. Mind you, I'm dressed like Elvis, staggering up to campus from downtown Akron (about 5 blocks uphill) to stay at a friend's house because I'm too lit up to drive.
I get to his apartment complex, but cannot remember the number, nor can I remember what it even looks like. Somehow I come across a group of orange parking cones surrounding a pothole in the street, so I do what any drunk bastard would do and pick one up.
As I'm carrying the cone I hear a "woooooop wooooop" police siren and the intercom "Hold it right there!"
Now a rational person would admit defeat, but not drunk Elvis. I started running, with the 40lb parking cone, until I realized it was slowing me down.
So I dropped the cone and kept running, at this time I decide to also lose my jacket, sunglasses, and wig, thinking that they won't be able to recognize me. It didn't occur to me that I still had a GIANT WHITE POLYESTER JUMPSUIT on...
So I round a corner into a parking lot and BAM! Six cops waiting there for me. I threw my hands up and they got me. They threw me up against someone's car, patted me down even though I was wearing a skintight Elvis suit. So it was pretty apparent that the only thing I was packing was between my legs. And oh, yes, that was clearly visible.
One of the cops says "Why were you running, boy?" To which, I reply, "Why were you chasing me?"
I didn't have a wallet or ID, so I gave them my SS# and they ran it, asking me all sorts of questions like what the hell was I thinking, why is a grown man stealing traffic cones, etc.