Happy birthday, Kali!....and buy our products
by Turtle Jones

We at turtlemichele.com strive to serve your purposes for getting old like George Foreman wants to grill your hamburgers.

So here are the new additions to our products. We hope you older folks enjoy these.

We carry all the top brands including Bladez for when you you just gotta go. Drive Medical! for when you need to make number two without getting up! The Golden Technologies! Urine be your problemo? No problemo hombre!

We carry all the top brands including Bladezkali2.jpg for when you you just gotta go. When things are just going wrong and you have three blocks to hit the nearest alleyway. Just hit the accelerator and fire that canon down the patented PoopCannon(c) and keep on your your way to get the newest edition of Elvis Stamps at the Post Office! No time lost!

The Drive Medical! For when you need to make number two without getting up! It plays the siren from an ambulance so people think she is dying or ate some bad fish the night night before. Either way. This machine says stay away. I'm fully loaded and and I can fire at will.

The Golden Technologies! Let's face it. How many times can you say you spilled you "tea" on your lap without somone getting wise that the bladder now has a mind of it's own? A catheter so your worries go down the drainI

The Super Guardian! Those punk kids. Always trying to Lark you. This version has a removable hose to gas unruly kids asking you for too many cigarettesI Wanna ride my ride, yung-un? Feel the squirt of my electrical powered feces pump in your face! Victory might not be pretty, but you will be laughing as the kids have to go home and explain why they have shit on their faces to their parents.

The Invacare! For when the police ask you why you gassed some kids with your own urine cause they wanted your your last quarters. The horn includes the following catch pharses: "I'm Old!" "Dementia!" "General Lee!" "The South will rise again!" "I just want some spam!" "Goverment cheese is good if you smoke a lot!!"

We will personally guarantee that these will get you out of any trouble with the police.

The Pacesaver! Kind of like an oil slick of feces in case you are being chased by super spies out of Spy Hunter. You have have enemies. We do, too. If three scooters are coming to take to you out because you have failed a hit with the mob, you need to get away. This will do it.

*Optional fart smoke screen available*

The Pride! Basically a seat with Depends undergarments stapled on it so you can crap and still have your pride. McDonald's has such small doors to fit your muscle machine thru. Besides, they use Kangaroo meat. And really, crapping in diapers is kinda a turn on.

And the master of mobility. The three mile an hour Road Warrior. If this machine was around in the 70's, Jimmy Carter wouldn't have given away the Panama Canal, Castro would be dead and we would all be singing Jimmy Buffet tunes while sipping Margaritas.

A master machine.

The Zip'r Mobility! Hold your your cock out and just piss wherever while screaming at the kids waving a cane at them telling to get you another another King Cobra Malt Liquor so Old Faithful Kali could blow off in 15 minutes. With expert advice and a low price guarantee.

We promise you'll get the best handicapped scooters at the best price. Two of our recommended handicapped scooters include the Pride Go-Go Ultra 4-Wheel, which has spikes on the wheels, much like Ben Hun in the Chariot race, and the Pacesaver Passport IV. Cause the Pacesavers I, II and III couldn't get you to the crapper in time.

Prunes. Ya know

They flush you you out like Tidy-Bowl or Bud Light.

Happy Birthday Kali

From Michele and Turtle


im so mean to her


just remember, she's the same age as you.



Oh. And one year older than me. :(


she a fifteen year old school girl lonely and confused about sex, too?

email me then, kali



You sure are hung for a 15 year old schoolgirl.


strapons and no lights on make anyone look like Mr. Huggie Honker


I don't know what you whippernappers are on about... I got my "The Pride!" three months ago and I've put on thirty pounds since then.... It's great! I can eat and crap at the same time !!

Happy Birthday, Kali... From us old farts....


fuck you very much turtle


JUST KIDDING!!! hi hi hi i'm back from the spa!! and i got rid of all those pesky spider veins and liver spots and i'm ready for some hot action!!!

a little high calonics and i'll be fully set to go back to work on the mustang ranch.

ok just kidding. seriously, thank you all very much. i am old now and hope to be rich any minute as my looks are going the way of the hula hoop. (or lemon skipper, as it were...)




eXTReMe Tracker