Happy birthday, Kali!....and buy our products
by Turtle Jones
We at turtlemichele.com strive to serve your purposes for getting old like George Foreman wants to grill your hamburgers.
So here are the new additions to our products. We hope you older folks enjoy these.
We carry all the top brands including Bladez for when you you just gotta go. Drive Medical! for when you need to make number two without getting up! The Golden Technologies! Urine be your problemo? No problemo hombre!
The Drive Medical! For when you need to make number two without getting up! It plays the siren from an ambulance so people think she is dying or ate some bad fish the night night before. Either way. This machine says stay away. I'm fully loaded and and I can fire at will.
The Golden Technologies! Let's face it. How many times can you say you spilled you "tea" on your lap without somone getting wise that the bladder now has a mind of it's own? A catheter so your worries go down the drainI
The Super Guardian! Those punk kids. Always trying to Lark you. This version has a removable hose to gas unruly kids asking you for too many cigarettesI Wanna ride my ride, yung-un? Feel the squirt of my electrical powered feces pump in your face! Victory might not be pretty, but you will be laughing as the kids have to go home and explain why they have shit on their faces to their parents.
The Invacare! For when the police ask you why you gassed some kids with your own urine cause they wanted your your last quarters. The horn includes the following catch pharses: "I'm Old!" "Dementia!" "General Lee!" "The South will rise again!" "I just want some spam!" "Goverment cheese is good if you smoke a lot!!"
We will personally guarantee that these will get you out of any trouble with the police.
The Pacesaver! Kind of like an oil slick of feces in case you are being chased by super spies out of Spy Hunter. You have have enemies. We do, too. If three scooters are coming to take to you out because you have failed a hit with the mob, you need to get away. This will do it.
*Optional fart smoke screen available*
The Pride! Basically a seat with Depends undergarments stapled on it so you can crap and still have your pride. McDonald's has such small doors to fit your muscle machine thru. Besides, they use Kangaroo meat. And really, crapping in diapers is kinda a turn on.
And the master of mobility. The three mile an hour Road Warrior. If this machine was around in the 70's, Jimmy Carter wouldn't have given away the Panama Canal, Castro would be dead and we would all be singing Jimmy Buffet tunes while sipping Margaritas.
A master machine.
The Zip'r Mobility! Hold your your cock out and just piss wherever while screaming at the kids waving a cane at them telling to get you another another King Cobra Malt Liquor so Old Faithful Kali could blow off in 15 minutes. With expert advice and a low price guarantee.
We promise you'll get the best handicapped scooters at the best price. Two of our recommended handicapped scooters include the Pride Go-Go Ultra 4-Wheel, which has spikes on the wheels, much like Ben Hun in the Chariot race, and the Pacesaver Passport IV. Cause the Pacesavers I, II and III couldn't get you to the crapper in time.
Prunes. Ya know
They flush you you out like Tidy-Bowl or Bud Light.
Happy Birthday Kali
From Michele and Turtle