key west style
by: Kali
by A Guest Author

Howdy partners.... Kali is up next with a tale of one of my least favorite things to do in the world, moving.... You'd think with all the times I've done it, I'd get at least a little bit used to it..... You never really do, though.... And there's always that one thing that really fucks with you when you get there... You know the one... Kali does.....

in the mid-nineties i was living in key west. i had moved down there with my best friend because up here in baltimore all of our friends were turning into zombies (read:herion addicts) and it was getting pretty gross. so my friend told me key west was great (she'd been to visit with some guys we met at marti-gras) and that we should move there. i'd just "graduated" from college so i say what the fuck. i could wait tables here or in a tropical clime. key west won out so bye to our friends bye to our haunts…

i had quit drinking by then due to the shit I would do in blackouts, but i certainly hadn't quit smoking pot and i would find lots more fun vices on "the rock" (key west locals pet name for the 2mi by 4mi piece of coral.)

the plan (for me) was to spend a year or two on the rock and then head west to california for fortune and fame as i was destined to become a famous actress.

i knew i was fucked on the way down to key west. i had sold my convertible chrysler le baron and we were packed into her father's oldmobile and towing a tiny uhaul trailer behind. about 5 hours into the trip my friend starts blasting some music that made me freaking nauseous. i thought it was a joke.hemingway-ernest-hemingway-portret.jpg

"what in the fuck is this crap?" i said as it dawned on me that she was enjoying the drone of a 50-something man over some, what was that, steel drums? holy shit.

"oh honey, you better get used to this… you're going to hear it everywhere… it's Jimmy Buffet."

jimmy who? what in THE hell is this all about? i had heard tales from my gutter punk friends of sleeping on the beach and running around topless and tons of bars and cute, tanned, punk rockers, but I had not, repeat NOT, imagined anything like this shit.

ya. you should know that i hated hippies. it's in my blood. i still kinda hate hippies. except now I'm dating one. the worse kind too. the volvo-driving, khaki wearing, rainbow brand flip flop having, phish kind. but i digress.

so here we were off to key west with my best friend turning into some kind of middle aged hippie in front of my eyes telling me that i'd better get used to it because i was going to turn into one too?... uh huh.

this was gonna be not so great…

"i'll tell you one fucking thing… i am NOT wearing sandals, that's for fucking sure…"



but hippies are ice and cute and make funny noises when you kick them in their guts

whats not to like?


Hippies are ice ? No wonder they crunch when I bite them....


Hippies are ice? That's cold...


Hey. What's wrong with sandals?

I hear hippies make good fuel. When you burn them.


i wore my boots in key west for three seasons. boots or barefeet. and then the LAST season there i broke the fuck down and bought a pair of flip flops.


I hope you did not blow out your flip flop and step on a pop top.


BLAH ARGH RAWR buffett FREAK OUT %(*&$&*!!!!


Ha ha. For the record I can't stand Buffet either, unless its 95 degrees outside and I'm 6 Coronas in. That's about the only time I can remotely stand his stuff.

I was asked to play one of his songs on guitar at a wedding once. Learning it was pure tourture so I practiced it 'punk' style.


B&W, you seen my last shaker of salt?




eXTReMe Tracker