movie week finale: switchblades, light sabers and heros
by Turtle Jones

Well, welcome to the end, my friends. This is it. Been a long week of reader suggestions, fun posts, new additions to FTTW, and stupid little girls who don't know what gratitude it. But, it all works out. And it is finally over. Sometimes you say you will do things and you really have to do them cause you said you would. Sometimes you love it, sometimes you hate it. Sometimes what you do is taken by kids who don't understand how to work a doorknob much less write a story and sometimes people love you. It's the way of the internet.

But that is neither here nor there.

Let's finish this week off with the end of all things.

Best Movie Heroes

Love them or hate them. Anti hero or just kickass. These are the people who saved your ass in the end. We are not talking about any specific actor here. We are talking about one role. Cause face it, Deathwish got its balls cut off by Part 3. Let's not even talk about Rambo. Or Rocky. Jesus. Some of these movies just sucked. Like I care about someone getting married or someone hitting a robot. I have no idea what the hell the Afghanistan people were doing in Rambo 3. Something about goats and horses. Don't ask me. I'm just here for the ride.

But heroes! Who are your favorites? Who made you cheer? Made you cry? Made you want to go out and do whateverthefuck they were doing and just keep moving? The ones that saved the day and got the girl or the boy and ending up smiling in the end?

Here are ours.

Turtle is first.

Ok. I'll be the first to admit that I am tired today and sometimes that happens. Been a frustrating day with me being held back from attacking someone who doesn't even spell her name right. Some people wouldn't take that. Some ass kickers wouldn't. You know who I am talking about.

Dirty Harry

Ok, anyone who argues with me on this one loses. This is simply one of the finest movie heros of all times. The street loves him and he loves the street. Don't piss him off and don't break the law and we are ok. You kill someone? He will get you. You rob a bank outside his local hotdog store? Oh. You just fucked up.dirtyharry2795959.jpg Cool and calm. He runs this show. He has had his ass beat many times and just keeps getting a bigger gun. Harry had no real enemies, he just hated everyone but loved the underdog. He played no favorites and stood up to everyone.

I don't want any more trouble like you had last year in the Fillmore district. Understand? That's my policy.

Yeah, well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy.

Intent? How did you establish that?

Well a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher's knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn't out collecting for the Red Cross.

See now that's coolness in pure 100 percent form. Stick a needle in your vein to get that kind of uncut cool cause that dripped from his veins. Harry was a man who saw something wrong and would take any punishment for doing what was right to stop it. He was amazing.

And he knew how to count his shots.

- T

michele's up -

What a day. Part stressful, part agitating. Dealing with children is frustrating. Especially when the children are really adults. Eh, what are you gonna do. Some people will learn the hard way; you look a gift horse in the mouth, you get Trojans banging down your door at night. Or something like that. Anyhow, on subject. Heroes. You got your real life heroes and your movie heroes. Sometimes one will save the world or rescue children from fires or stop meteors from crashing to earth. And sometimes one will go outside and light a Viking boat made of butane lighters on fire just to see it blow. You gotta admire a guy who finds something constructive to do with all those lighters after he quits smoking. Or just call him Beavis and move on.

Movie heroes. Like I’ve said before, I dig the bad guys. They have more style, more substance. But sometimes you get a hero who is a little rough around the edges. A guy who you look at and think, he could easily turn villain in the right circumstances. A guy who knows how to use his tongue to cut people down as well as use it to...well, whatever else he wants to do with it. A guy who can make girls go weak and his enemies quake in fear. A guy like....

Han Solo

Oh yea, you knew I was going here. Well, maybe you thought I’d say Luke Skywalker. Fuck that. Where Luke whined, Han snarked. Where Luke complained, Han acted. Where Luke acted like he’d rather be anywhere but there, Han made it look like he was born to knock off Stormtroopers. Luke was a pussy. Han rocked out with his cock out. He was rockin’ like Dokken.

He was a cocky bastard, that’s for sure. han.jpgBut if I’m gonna have someone saving my ass, I’d rather it be a guy who had full confidence in himself and his abilities than a guy full of self doubt an self pity. I need to be protected by a guy who believed in nothing but himself and his weapon. Who could look at a Jedi and say “Magic tricks and hokey religions ain't no match for a blaster at your side, kid.” Fucking Jedi. Always thinking with their feelings. Han thought with his head and his blaster. Ok, sometimes with his dick but eh, he’s a guy. It’s gonna happen.

Listen, the guy made it through being shoved in carbonite and made it through the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field Hoth, he dealt with being screwed over by a good friend, he had to put up with a petulant, whiny Skywalker the whole time - not to mention Leia playing hard to get, was sold by Boba Fett and had the stink of Jabba in his face. Plus he had a walking carpet for a partner. And he was a hell of a pilot. If it weren’t for him Luke would have ended up embedded in the Death Star in about a hundred different pieces.

You know what my favorite line of the entire six movies is? “Sorry about the mess.” Oh, we aren’t even going to discuss what that fuckwad George Lucas did with that scene. Don’t even bring it up, ok? Anyhow, in this scene, right after Han blows Greedo away, he just walks up to the bartender and says “Sorry about the mess.” That is fucking cool. That’s Han in a nutshell right there. Calm. Cool. Smartass. Hero. Greedo deserved it, Han served it. And walked out of there like he just bought his mother lunch. That’s what heroes are made of. Guts. Sarcasm. Glory.

You want to try messing with a guy like that?

Laugh it up, fuzzball. -M

So that's the end of the Movie Week! I hope you guys had some fun with it and we are glad to have had the oppurtunity to write about your ideas. A lot were missed, but they get done sooner or later. As with always in the past, send us a few sentences to tell us why you would like us to do an idea and we will probably do it. We are pretty easy here and we do write a lot. We hope we brought a few smiles to some faces in remembering these films but for now the real question is......

Who do you think the best hero was in a film?


indiana jones was kinda cool too


Indiana Jones, the man is nefarious, but not in the same league as Dirty Harry.

Good picks, that's for sure.


"But I was gonna go to Tashi Station and pick up some power converters".....

Whiny little, sister kissing bitch.....

When I was smaller, Han Solo and Johhny Cash were the epitome of everything I wanted to be when I got taller....


"But I was gonna go to Tashi Station and pick up some power converters"....

You nailed it. That is the line that turns Luke into the biggest whiner in the galaxy.


I think Jedi are a bunch of dumb-asses in general, but Luke might be dumbest Jedi ever.

'That's 2 you owe me now Jr.'


I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks the Jedi are dumbasses.


when i was a kid, i was never too sure if i wanted to marry han, or simply be him.

i'm still more than slightly torn on that score.


Oh, I'm totally with you on that.


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