Cigars, Catfights and Card games
by Turtle Jones

So to keep up with our games week and to also try to wrap all of these themes up before we let you guys take this site over, we had to do the last suggestion. cards.jpgAnother underground will come out soon and yes, I will finish the last Disneyland story soon, but in the last week, getting everything together with all of your stories has kinda been a bitch. Hopefully, all of this will run smoothly and you guys can still see the same schedule on FTTW and even more stories on some days. And maybe even more as we still have more to put in. You guys better not break this fucking site when we are gone. Or we will be angry.

But, since that won't be for another few days, let's get back to where we are going right now. At this very moment. Card games. They are fun, challenging and sometimes addictive. You know you love to watch some kid who can't shuffle and laugh at him as he does such a bad job at shuffling you have to smack him and laugh. It's Darwinism in the form of 52 cards that laughed at you when you lost.

We decided to go a new route today and pick three games. One from our childhood, one from our teen years, and one from our adulthood.

You think you can do the same?

Try it.

turtle shuffles the deck.


Shanghia May I

Don't ask me if I spelled this right cause I probably didn't. Just a deck of 108 cards some bored kids and a late night in some cabin in some forest. Lot of time on your hands. 11 cards in your hand. Seven objectives. Seven games that kept getting harder as the night went on. Some so hard you wanted to quit. Match this and that and then get three pair, then subtract or add points as you went along and try to get this game over before your brother wins or your mother laughs at you as you lost. Some three hour game I begged to be over so I could play again and beat these worthless excuses for a family.

My mother still laughs at me, by the way.


Seven Card Gin Rummycardgame.jpg

The only thing I can say about this game is that it was fun before it became an addiction. Couple lines of speed and then we were playing to 10,000. Late nights and van trips, this was the time killer game. Get to 10,000 then slam a beer and wonder what town we were in or what time it was. These cards reeked of cigarettes and vodka, like any good deck should, and were packed around from town to town. Smoke filled rooms and the stench of stale beer as the cards were passed out. You knew you could take this game, dammit, and you would stay up all night to get that goal. Bones creaking and eyesight failing as you just tried to keep going. If you couldn't sleep or were bored, grab a hand and join in. Just don't take my card and realize that we are already up to about 5,000 points each so you better kick some ass fast.

Cause we've been playing this for ten hours already.


Texas Hold'em

Yeah, I know it's all fucking trendy now that you all know how to play it. But, let's face it. This was a forgotten game that for some god knows reason became the party game. It is fun but unfortunetly, when you invite some people in to play from the old school gambling style to your family group game, you are going to get a few seedy people. So don't get all fucking mad at me when they show up. And that's all I'll say about that story. Light a cigar and watch it play out. Hundred bucks in. Bean dip? Jesus. These group games are better then Vegas. Plus they can't play for shit. Easy money. Slam a beer and bluff people. Turn the music up and watch the game go while wondering how your life got so boring you are hanging out with Betty Crocker.

I stopped playing that game cause it depressed me too much. - T

It's Michele's turn to deal the cards.


Spit- You had to have good reflexes for this game. It was all about the speed and the slap. You could watch people play this game and just see all blurs as their hands moved from pile to pile, trying to get their cards down. Steady concentration, fast hands and then a quick eye at the end to figure out which pile has less cards, cause you had to slap your hand on that pile real quick before your opponent did. Sometimes you would both reach for the same pile and there would be a little power struggle over who got there first and one of you would say “but you slapped my hand so that means mine was there first” and they would haul off and punch you and before you knew it cards were everywhere and real spit was flying as you tore your sister’s hair from her head and she scratched your face and then two minutes later you’d be dealing the deck out again. Rules


War - War was a lot slower than Spit. We played this when we just wanted to pass some time during the day. Not a lot of thinking involved, just a lot of chance. We played this a lot in some kid’s backyard, in a shed his father turned into a fort type thing for us. Beer, pot and War. Slow, stoned kids playing a card game that almost rotted your brain it was so monotonous. But we kept playing. catfight.jpg And toward the end of the game when it was apparent that one person had this huge pile and was about to win, the other person would inevitably get pissy about it and accuse the other person of cheating and before you knew it fists would be flying and cards would be everywhere and you would end up with handful of your sister’s hair in your hand and a gash on your face. So that’s why they call it war...Rules

May I - A different version than Turtle’s. We play this after every family dinner or holiday. There’s usually about ten of us and we play for money. By money I mean quarters and dollars, like that. Chump change, just to make it fun. But my uncle, it’s like he’s playing for his freaking heart medication or something. Like he’s going to die if he doesn’t win. Take a card he needs before he can get to it? He’ll start cursing at you like you just kicked his wheelchair. Throw down your hand and go out while he has a whole shitload of points in his hand? I swear, the whole neighborhood will hear him calling you a god damn son of a bitch. Make a mistake that fucks him up? Not only will he curse at you, but it will tail off into some tirade that includes the weather, the god damn Mets, the motherfucking Giants and stupid guineas. Then we call him a dumb Polack. Then the fists start flying. This game may have a really polite title, but don’t let it fool you. Rules

It might be only my family that turns card games into contact sport. I don’t know. I just know that when I bought my kids Uno when they were little, I had to take it away from them after I heard “UNO, MOTHERFUCKER!” coming from the living room and then someone yelling about hair. So we just play video games now. - M

Some of our favorite card games have good memories. Some, not so much. But either way, we always started out with the idea of having fun when we played them. But I can't be the only one whose games turned violent? Right?

So what did you play as a kid? What do you play now?


I am crap at card games.... Never had much luck with 'em... However, Uno while tripping is a blast.... We used to play for hours, arguing over what color cards were, whose turn it was, etc...

May sounds interesting... I think I'm gonna grab the wife and break out the cards....


This is the one we played

1 two books
2 one book, one run
3 two runs
4 three books
5 two books, one run
6 one book, two runs
7 three runs with no discard

number 7 was a bitch


We play these rounds:

1. two sets of 3
2. set of 3, run of 4
3. two runs of 4
4. three sets of 3
5. set of 3, run of 7
6. two sets of 3, run of 5
7. three runs of 4
8. set of 3, run of 10
9. three sets of 3, run of 5
10. three runs of 5


micheles looks hard


I have a feeling you will find out thursday night how hard this game is.


Way way back then: Spades - We were just doing what the adults did every Friday and Saturday night, without the drinking, although that would come later.

Back then not so long ago: Cribbage - I did some growing up in the northwoods of Wisconsin. Between the months of November and March, there isn't much else to do.

Nowadays: Cribbage/Hold'em - My kids know how to play poker about as good as I do. They also play cribbage but nowhere near my level. It keeps us smiling, which is the important thing I guess.


kid- War with my dad, that french card game i never can remember the name of
later- Gin, hi-Lo (drinking card game weeee!), uno
more recently- 7 card no peek poker, "pick the driver's license, officer".


re: gin. I worked at a little tavern up a river for a while on the coast, and the ongoing challenge to the regulars was that if you could beat me 4/5 games at gin, i'd buy you a beer of your choice. I never had to buy anyone a beer. And then no one would play with me. :(


as a little kid i played "slapjack" all brawn no brain.

then solitaire, like eighty different kinds because i hated everyone.

i didn't learn to play spades until jail ;)


Childhood: War

Adolescence: Pitch (high, low, jack and game)

Adulthood: I'll tell you when I get to be an adult.

Okay, Poker.


We played Slap Jack when I was little, but it always turned into a brawl. We played Spit in the lunch room in 5th grade! Not much time for cards anymore! Uno with the kids here and there.


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