warning: post contains saccharine. proceed at own risk
by Michele Christopher
Well, turtle is on the disabled list for this morning (a viking funeral related injury) so we won't be kicking out anything interesting until much later today. He told me to go ahead and write something on my own, but I really have a shitload of work on my desk that needs my attention. I'm on vacation in two weeks and I need to get my desk cleaned before then.
In two weeks? Shit. Yea. Two weeks from today, turtle rolls into town. That countdown clock thing I used says 13 days, but I guess it's 14? Or maybe the clock is counting down until zero instead of one? Maybe it knows me and it's counting the days until I say "Oh fuck, turtle will be here tomorrow and I still haven't cleaned the house or shaved my legs!" I'm great at last minute panic. The life of a procrastinator. I've got shit to do. Lots of it. Mostly just sit around in state of being that is a molotov cocktail of nervousness, excitement, anticipation, happiness and panic. Stare at the walls and say, I really need to get this done, but get distracted by something else. Plus, my kids are going on a cruise with their father and step family about two days before turtle gets here. See how that works out? It's not like we planned it like that. He wanted to come for my birthday (the 25th) and it so happens that the kids will be away for my birthday.
Anyhow. For someone who didn't want to write anything I sure have a lot to say. Working out the adrenaline, I guess. I'm excited. Two weeks from today. That will go pretty fast. Turtle says not to think about it. He calls it "tour tantrum," likens it to when he was on tour and there were about two weeks left on the road and they would all start counting the days til they could get in the van and head back home again. Feeling like it would never get there. Yea, I know that feeling.
Have I mentioned how much I love him? I know this isn't what you come here for but sometimes it is all I want to say. How I spent the last, oh, 20 years of my life thinking that wrong turns and dead ends and disappointment were all I could expect, that real, true, deep, unconditional love was going to always be elusive for me. But here I am. About to start over with someone who is everything I thought I would never have. He is truly the kindest, most thoughtful, considerate, compassionate person I have ever known. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He picks me up when I am down, he calms me when I am anxious, he goes out of his way to make my day brighter. He is patient and loving and romantic and understanding and easy to talk to and be open with.
This seems to be the week for talking about this stuff. Talking to my friend Dan, who is going through a tough time and trying to give him hope. I use me and turtle as an example. Both of us had pretty much given up on being happy. And then it just happened. Sometimes you go through a lot of shit first. It's like all those wrong turns and dead ends were there for a reason. You had to go through what you did then to get to where you are now. If I could do my life all over again, I wouldn't. I would take every bad thing I ever went through all over again just to make sure I ended up right here, right now (cue bad Van Halen song). That's what I tell Dan. Keep going. Don't keep looking down the road for something though. Keep up hope, because sometimes it is all you have. And sometimes that thing you are looking for just comes out of nowhere. It can't be forced, it can't be made, it can't be created. It just comes and taps you on the shoulder and says, thanks for waiting. I tell the same thing to Kali, who is wondering about true love. Don't look. Let it come unexpected. And never give up.
Then I was talking to my friend Carol about this yesterday and I was saying that I never got why people cried at their own weddings. It's just not something I could understand or relate to.
Now I know. You ever "happy cry" before? It's kind of neat. When all is said and done, I think that's what explains everything about what turtle and I have best. I know what a happy cry is now.
Man, is he going to be surprised when he gets up and sees this. I told him I wasn't going to write anything today, that I didn't have time. I didn't mean to write this, it just happened.
I keep staring at the calendar. Two weeks.
Bear with us here, guys. This could be an weird two weeks around FTTW.