by Michele Christopher

So what can I say?

This is the end of the first week and we are exhausted.

We want to thank all of who keep contributing, keep joining on, keep reading and most of all, those of you who have kept having fun.

But, since it is really not over yet, Michele and I started talking about things today. Mostly about football and someone having to write a poem, but you will all see that later, but mostly about fall and what it brings memories to us. We had an idea for a huge story, but we really didn't want to write those out till the actual time came a little closer.

So tonight what we are talking about is something that we all hated when we were kids.

Shitty candy and Halloween

Turtle looks in his bag.

When I was a kid, Halloween was a big deal. Kids going out in unsafe costumes at late hours. Knocking on stranger’s doors. A KISS costume here and there, although I have no idea why they would still be around, they still were. KISS costumes.kiss.jpg I'm not that old...hmmmm. Never thought about that before. Strange how sometimes these stories make me think about things like that. Why did they have those costumes around? Were KISS still around? Fuck. I guess I have to do late night research. But back then, there was no real scare about letting kids go out at night. They would go out alone till late then come back. My family never really looked at my candy. Just let me eat till I threw up and then laughed.

They believed that the best lessons in life were learned first hand.

But, really we would snag the good ones and toss the rest. Like I want some "Sweet Tarts." What kind of cheap bastard would give those out? I mean "Sweet Tarts" are basically a way of saying, "Fuck you" to little kids. Something like "Well, hell. The rest of the neighborhood is doing this so I guess I have to also."

Jeez. Put a little effort into it for christ’s sake.

I think the worst of all were the people handing out fruits and vegetables. I know they were poor. I know they understood Halloween as much as we understood Cinco de Mayo. I think Cinco de Mayo was about a battle. Somewhere in Mexico. Or Texas. Or Puerto Rico. Fuck man, maybe even Canada. I don't know. But, the bottom line is I still really don't get Halloween but I don't want to walk around with a bag full of fucking carrots and apples. I mean hell, I could go down to the local vendor cart and get an apple for free as protection money from all of the "accidents" that could happen to his cart. I sure as fuck don't want one as a Trick or Treat thing.

One of the best things was the look in the eyes of the person when they handed you an apple. They had this sad look in their eyes. Like "We are sorry. We are poor."

Well fuck them. They think it is that hard to get a bag of Snickers or at least do us the favor of turning out the porch lights so we don't all walk around looking like those orange vendors at the Tijuana border?

Christ. All I needed was a hair net and a cardboard sign and I'd fit in.

But there was one lady. A rich lady who lived at the top of the hill. She kept her porch lights off until she was ready. The night was dark and all the little produce boys and produce girls would have the corner of their eye waiting for that light to turn on.

It hit.

"The Candy Lady!"

A cry had went out.

It was on.

Bags of apples, oranges, pears and grapes cover the street as kids ran towards the door of this house. So much produce on the dirty streets it would make Carmen Miranda cry. Pushing and shoving. Getting other kids out of the way. Just to get ahead.

You see she had full candy bars. And not many of them.

You had to get there first.ticket.jpg

I will admit to you that I have probably trampled about three kids to death in my time trying to get to her house first. Like The Who show in Cincinnati, many lives were lost trying to get closer. To the full candy bar. So many kids were pushed down and trampled I am surprised she didn't stop "General Admission" after these tragic candy related kid crushings occurred.

The Who did it. Why couldn't she?

But, in the end, seeing the bodies of your fallen comrades who were just too slow, you had to keep going. Ignore the carnage and keep looking ahead. I ignored their whimpers and pleads for help. Stepping over them, I looked at what their deaths had accomplished.

I got a full size Butterfinger. - T

michele looks in her bag:

Halloween treat suckage. Oh, you’ve been there. The old bat that throws handful of candy corn in your bag and when you toss one in your mouth you realize it’s probably from the 19th century. The dentist who hands out travel toothbrushes. The bastard who keeps his door shut and his lights off and stands at his window with his arms crossed just daring you to knock on his door. Which is all well and good because he’s probably the kind of guy who would hand out chocolate laxatives to five year olds.

You know what’s worse than a guy who would purposely poison little kids? candycorn.jpgThe woman who hands out healthy food on Halloween. That should be against the law. One time I was talking to my neighbor on Halloween. Standing on his porch, eyeing the cache of goodie bags he had ready the kids. I was jonesing for a mini Snickers bar and I knew there had to be one in there. So I opened one of the bags. They were stuffed with carrot and celery sticks. Yes. Carrots. Celery. For a Halloween treat. I slowly backed away from the porch and then ran down the sidewalk toward the safety of my home. That man was pure, uncut evil. What kind of sick bastard hands out celery to trick or treaters?

I had my share of Halloween grinches growing up. There was Spider Lady. She handed out pennies. Two. Freaking. Pennies. And she cackled while she dropped those suckers in our bags. Wrong move, lady. You just fucked with a gang of fourteen year old kids in search of a sugar rush. We were the crack whores of our time. We stole the costumes of our little sisters and brothers just so we could go knock down a few old ladies to get our hands on some Sugar Daddies. And this bitch was giving us two cents?

Oh, here’s a quick physics lesson: when thrown by a sugar-deprived teenager, a penny will make a dent in aluminum siding. Lots of pennies = lots of dents. Ok, not the best revenge, but we were going for irony.

Besides, we had to do something with the tricks we got to go along with our treats. Ten year old candy corn? Sprinkle a little water on it and it will stick to the windshield of Mr. "Keep Your Ball Out of My Yard" Brown's brand new Lincoln Continental! Wax vampire teeth? If you warm those things up in the palm of your hand they become like putty in your hands. Perfect for covering the windshield wipers on Officer Goldberg's parked patrol car.

Don't look at me like that. We were destined to be juvenile delinquents. Haven't you ever seen Over the Edge?

And the apples. Yes, even with the great urban legend of the razor blade in the apple running rampant, people still gave out that damn fruit on Halloween. First of all, I don’t want your god damn fruit. Especially one that weighs down my bag like that. Give me an apple, there’s a good chance that it’s going to end up impaled on your fence post. Besides, everyone knows that any parent who sees that fruit in their kids' bag will immediately take out a machete and hack the damn thing to death in search of that elusive razor blade.

Personally, I think there were some parents that actually wanted to find the blade in the apple. It was a prize. A brass ring. Man, a find like that would propel the average Stepford housewife to fame.

Just picture it. Mrs. Smith, holding the rusted razor blade up like Charlie holding his golden ticket. The local paper is at her house in a second, followed by Nancy Grace asking her all kinds of intimidating questions. Mrs. Smith says there is a madman on the loose and calls him the bin Laden of suburbia. Then she gets the other housewives on the block to form a posse. They come out at night bearing pitchforks and torches, hell bent on finding out who put that razor blade in little Billy's Macintosh, thereby ruining Halloween for every kid in America. Forever.

Of course, in the end it turns out that it was Mrs. Smith herself who stuck the razor blade in that apple, and it becomes a sad social commentary on the boredom in suburbs and feminists claim that if Mrs. Smith had a career this wouldn’t have happened and the candy industry sues Mrs. Smith for fucking up Halloween for them and Nancy Grace airs an expose on Mrs. Smith on CNN later in the week, and poor Mrs. Smith checks herself into a clinic to overcome her addiction to mother's little helper.

Uh..where was I? I was talking about Halloween candy, right?

Razor blades and used candy corn aside, what was the worst thing you got in your Halloween bag? What did your neighbors do to fuck you over when all you wanted was a god damn peanut butter cup?

Oh and as a bonus, there’s a candy puzzle kind of thing in the extended entry.


Guess the candy. Bigger size here.


Listed below are links to weblogs that reference candy-o:

» Hallowe’en - what else? from Grumpy Old Matt
It’s that time of year again. Hallowe’en. A night of hiding behind the curtains and pretending that we’re out but forgot to turn off the television. I was amazed by our next door neighbour - they somehow deemed it acceptable to send... [Read More]


2. bottlecaps

12. rudy ray moore in "Dolomite"

34. joints rolled out of Zig Zags?

Thats a pretty cool treat


sister... necco wafers, sugar babies and redhots and i'd prolly never leave the house...

never did like the razzle shite.. is it candy is it gum it just seems to be falling apart in my mouth... ick.


I fucking hate necco wafers. They taste like chalk dust.

Razzles own you. And so do these:


1. Dots
3. Big League Chew
4. Neccos
7. Kit Kats
8. Charleston Chew
9. Pez
10. Jolly Ranchers
17. Pixy Stix
18. Bazooka
19. Sugar Daddies
22 Hershey's (plain)
24. Tootsie Pops
26. Milky Way
27. Twix
28. York Peppermint Patties
29. Snickers
30. Skittles
31. Lemonheads
33. Bit-O-Honeys
34. Cigarette Gum
35. Whatchamacallit
36. Almond Joy
37. Red Hots
38. Razzles
42. Payday
43. Crackle
45. Junior Mints
46. Whoppers


Necco Wafers are pure unadultered evil in chalk form. Taste like fucking Tums.

Milk Duds.... I have more cavities from those damn things.... So worth it, though....


49. boston baked beans

6. looks like a bag of amphetamines


5. Violet Gum
6. Candy Necklace
11. Fun Dip
12. Life Savers
13. Reese's Cups
14.Good N Plenty
21. Butterfinger
23. Now N Later
25. Warheads
32.Wax Bottles
39.Mary Janes
40.Fizzies (?)
47.Bubble Yum
48.BB Bats
49.Boston Baked Beans (Nasty!!)


Halloween is my favorite holiday. I still dress up. And I trick-or-treat.

I think I know most of those candies, but I'm too lazy right now to type all that out.


Halloween is definitely my favorite holiday. You will be seeing a LOT more Halloween themed posts around here in the next month if I have my way.


20. pop rocks


i got the last one

i rule


Just about anything chocolat-y was good: snickers, reeses, m&ms...

apples, pennies, yup those were bad. made the whole bag smell too, so all the candy got infused with the smell of apples and copper.


michele also did a video game and horror movie one of these.

We are pretty sure she already put the horror movie one out along time ago, but get your video game skills ready for tuesday when she will do that one.

it's hard


there was a head shop that used to sell all these "old time" candies when i was younger. The had this gum with a white wrapping. 1930's like font. It was licorice flavor.


man, they ate some fucked up things back then.


licorice (is that spelled right? doesn't matter, as I have no respect for it) is discusting. right up there with raisins. Blah.

Michele is my new best friend. Mario, photography, and now Halloween? What's next? I'm scared.


candy. No complaints there. I'd throw it in my bad and stuff my face with as much as i could, because when i got home, it all went into the trash. Still, haven't missed a halloween. 36, still throwing on weird shit and goin out.


Licorice gum? That was Blackjack.

Love/hate Necco Waifers.

My all time favorite "penny candy?" Mary Janes. Peanut butter toffee!

I can still remember when you could get a full-sized candy bar for a dime and a whole bag of penny candy from the candy store next to the library for a quarter and be all sugared out by the time the folks came to pick us up.


all the cool kids love halloween


eXTReMe Tracker