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Donald Duck and the Column With No Name
by Michele Christopher
[Note. The Action is Go will now be an occasional column instead of weekly. In its place is this. The column with no name. I'll be writing each week on, well, whatever I feel like. Maybe I'll tell you why The Wall is overrated. Maybe I'll tell you a story about the time we tried to have a rumble. Maybe I'll just write about Donald Duck. Maybe one of you can come up with a title for this column. Cause I sure as hell don't have one -Michele]
So I'll just start off with Donald Duck. Yes, Donald Duck.
I look at Donald in the same way some people look at Crispin Glover. There's just a wrongness about him that makes my skin crawl.
The dude does not wear pants.
But we’ll get to that later.
See, it’s not just the no pants thing that bothers me. And that bothers me a lot. Donald’s got a personality problem. In a word, it sucks. He's selfish. Obnoxious. A bad role model for his nephews. He's got a worse temper than Tommy Lasorda. You have to wonder what goes on that we don't see with those kids. Ten to one he's hit them more than once. Probably with a belt buckle or a shoe. Or, if he’s anything like mother, a spatula. I wonder if CPS has a file on this guy?
And nothing is ever Donald's fault. He’s content to just sit around and bitch about Mickey and Goofy and how easy they have it. Not once does he try to better himself or his life. Instead, he complains that life isn't fair. The dude has a huge chip on his shoulder. I mean, he’s obviously jealous of Mickey’s good looks and luck with the ladies, even though he has a girlfriend. Although Daisy isn’t much of a bargain. She’s kind of an enabler. Every time something goes wrong for Donald (through his own idiocy) she’ll try to soothe his frail ego instead of telling him where he went wrong. She caters to him and he treats her like shit. She takes whatever he gives her. I’m willing to be their sex includes a lot of "I said turn over, bitch!"
Donald Duck is in serious need of some medication. Zoloft. Or Prozac. Something to help those mood swings and control his passive aggressiveness.
But you know what Donald really needs?
A pair of pants.
This is really the thing I wanted to talk about.
See, I have a thing against cartoon animals that wear some kind of clothing but no pants. It's got to be either all or nothing. Once you put one piece of clothing on, you become partially humanized. That means your genitals should not be showing. Should not even be hinted at showing. Or even showing the place where the genitals would go if kid’s cartoons had genitals. You can’t see Donald’s package, but you know it’s there. So don't pretend like it's not.
This is why I've always had a problem with both Donald Duck and Porky Pig, but not Bugs Bunny. Donald wears a ridiculous sailor suit. Sans pants. Porky wears a jacket and tie, but no shirt or pants. Sometimes he even wears a hat. But still no pants. Daisy, that hobag, walks around wearing a shirt and big ass bow, but no pants or skirt. Easy access for Donald, maybe? Slut. Wally Gator wears a freaking collar. No pants. A collar! WHY? Maybe he’s got some BSDM thing going on. See, Magilla Gorilla not only wore pants, but suspenders as well, so when he was chasing that little girl around like a funny uncle, his shorts didn't fall down and reveal his monkey meat. I thank Hana Barbera for that. Wile E. Coyote? Completely unclothed, like a good animal should be. And Bugs, too. He wears nothing. Well, unless he’s in drag. But even then he has the sense to cover up his privates. But wearing nothing is fine, because that says to me that he is a rabbit. Rabbits generally don't wear clothes. His nakedness is natural. But slap a hat or necktie on him and you've got to have pants.
Do you see what I'm saying here? If you give a cartoon animal a human trait, such as wearing chaps, YOU HAVE GOT TO COVER THEIR HOO-HAS AND WEENIES! Even if you can't see the private parts, you know they are there, hidden under the fur or reptile skin or whatever. The cartoonists are stating the obvious by NOT stating the obvious. Why go halfway? Why dress a pig or a duck in half an outfit? It's only going to call attention the fact that the other half strong isn't dressed. So either dress them up all the way or draw some genitals on them.
It’s pretty easy.