Donald Duck and the Column With No Name
by Michele Christopher

[Note. The Action is Go will now be an occasional column instead of weekly. In its place is this. The column with no name. I'll be writing each week on, well, whatever I feel like. Maybe I'll tell you why The Wall is overrated. Maybe I'll tell you a story about the time we tried to have a rumble. Maybe I'll just write about Donald Duck. Maybe one of you can come up with a title for this column. Cause I sure as hell don't have one -Michele]

So I'll just start off with Donald Duck. Yes, Donald Duck.

I look at Donald in the same way some people look at Crispin Glover. There's just a wrongness about him that makes my skin crawl.

The dude does not wear pants.

But we’ll get to that later.

See, it’s not just the no pants thing that bothers me. And that bothers me a lot. Donald’s got a personality problem. In a word, it sucks. He's selfish. Obnoxious. A bad role model for his nephews. He's got a worse temper than Tommy Lasorda. You have to wonder what goes on that we don't see with those kids. Ten to one he's hit them more than once. Probably with a belt buckle or a shoe. Or, if he’s anything like mother, a spatula. I wonder if CPS has a file on this guy?

And nothing is ever Donald's fault. He’s content to just sit around and bitch about Mickey and Goofy and how easy they have it. Not once does he try to better himself or his life. Instead, he complains that life isn't fair. donalddick.jpgThe dude has a huge chip on his shoulder. I mean, he’s obviously jealous of Mickey’s good looks and luck with the ladies, even though he has a girlfriend. Although Daisy isn’t much of a bargain. She’s kind of an enabler. Every time something goes wrong for Donald (through his own idiocy) she’ll try to soothe his frail ego instead of telling him where he went wrong. She caters to him and he treats her like shit. She takes whatever he gives her. I’m willing to be their sex includes a lot of "I said turn over, bitch!"

Donald Duck is in serious need of some medication. Zoloft. Or Prozac. Something to help those mood swings and control his passive aggressiveness.

But you know what Donald really needs?

A pair of pants.

I keep looking for his duck dong. Not because I want to see it but because it's pretty damn obvious that if Donald is wearing no pants, his dick should swaying around. Do the folks at Disney think we're that stupid, that we are supposed to believe that ducks have no dicks? Then again, that could be why Donald is so angry all the time.

This is really the thing I wanted to talk about.

See, I have a thing against cartoon animals that wear some kind of clothing but no pants. It's got to be either all or nothing. Once you put one piece of clothing on, you become partially humanized. That means your genitals should not be showing. Should not even be hinted at showing. Or even showing the place where the genitals would go if kid’s cartoons had genitals. You can’t see Donald’s package, but you know it’s there. So don't pretend like it's not.

This is why I've always had a problem with both Donald Duck and Porky Pig, but not Bugs Bunny. Donald wears a ridiculous sailor suit. Sans pants. Porky wears a jacket and tie, but no shirt or pants. Sometimes he even wears a hat. But still no pants. Daisy, that hobag, walks around wearing a shirt and big ass bow, but no pants or skirt. Easy access for Donald, maybe? Slut. Wally Gator wears a freaking collar. No pants. A collar! WHY? Maybe he’s got some BSDM thing going on. See, Magilla Gorilla not only wore pants, wally.jpgbut suspenders as well, so when he was chasing that little girl around like a funny uncle, his shorts didn't fall down and reveal his monkey meat. I thank Hana Barbera for that. Wile E. Coyote? Completely unclothed, like a good animal should be. And Bugs, too. He wears nothing. Well, unless he’s in drag. But even then he has the sense to cover up his privates. But wearing nothing is fine, because that says to me that he is a rabbit. Rabbits generally don't wear clothes. His nakedness is natural. But slap a hat or necktie on him and you've got to have pants.

Do you see what I'm saying here? If you give a cartoon animal a human trait, such as wearing chaps, YOU HAVE GOT TO COVER THEIR HOO-HAS AND WEENIES! Even if you can't see the private parts, you know they are there, hidden under the fur or reptile skin or whatever. The cartoonists are stating the obvious by NOT stating the obvious. Why go halfway? Why dress a pig or a duck in half an outfit? It's only going to call attention the fact that the other half strong isn't dressed. So either dress them up all the way or draw some genitals on them.

It’s pretty easy.




What about Grape Ape?

The horror. The horror.


You left out Snagglepuss... Not only are there some serious homoerotic tendencies there, but he only wore a collar and a string bow tie.

Or maybe that was just me.


Donald is not dickless. It's just cold, and he's fat -- check out that tubby belly. That shit just ROLLS over the penis. Not that I know anything about that. Nope.


I'll bet Foghorn Leghorn was packing some delicious chicken meat, but alas, we shall never know.

You didn't mention the drag queen Jerry. I wonder if he and Bugs shopped at the same stores...


Grape Ape is the perfect example of the hat...vest...dick thing.

Man, his thing must be HUGE.


just to play devils advocate here, i have never see a duck penis.

maybe they don't have dicks

dick duck dick duck dick duck

thats fun to say


"Many species in the stiff-tail duck family have relatively long penises.....more along the lines of 8 inches.."


jesus h fucking christ

it's not even six in the morning and I'm researching duck dicks


I'm sorry.... It's shaped like a freaking corkscrew ?

Kinda gross...

And a 42cm... That's like 17 inches...


Holy shit.

They don't even make sex toys like that.

I wonder how hard that gets. And how much it hurts going in. Or out.


ok but really. how would you get pants over that "stiff tail?"

i mean he could tape the 8 inch love muscle to his inner thigh, but how in the fuck is he gonna pull pants up over that ass?


You forgot Winnie the Pooh. Not only does he not wear any pants, his name is shit.

Title for column: Roulette - you never know where Michele will land next.


THANK YOU! I'm an avid student of cartoons and the whole pantless thing has bugged me for YEARS! I love Bugs for the fact that he doesn't wear clothes, unlike those human-wanna-bes. Its one of the things I deal with in my comic, is figuring out how to dress animal-like people. All I've ever seen is half-dressed animals, or completely dressed humans. You know, Dave Chapelle had an episode about a Wolfman having problems in public because he didn't wear pants. If they don't change, some cartoons might end up in jail. and not the nice kind that you can break out of, either!


I have to say that I never liked Donald. And Porky has always been kind of annoying too. Put some pants on!


Perhaps we should presuppose that cartoons in the Disney and Hanna-Barbara world's procreate in some non-copulatory fashion. That is, maybe these cartoons just don't have weenies and hoo-hahs.


Cullen, how could you ? How can you assume that the glove wearing, four-finger having, grape kool aid colored populace would have no weenies and hoo hah's ? They're people, too...


Makes you think about CatDog.


Since this topic already has me feeling wierd, may as well kick it up a notch.

Hottest comic-book vixen - I pick Jean Grey from the X-Men, especially the Jim Li version.



Jim Lee that is. Oops.


I have this huge crush on Harley Quinn.



people i know who've taken his name notwithstanding.

and, as always


Psylocke circa early '90s.

Power Girl from Justice League Europe.

Any version of Black Widow more recent than 1985.


Apparently, the spam filter didn't like my links. I have a comment awaiting moderation, moderators.


Cullen Psylocke is also extremely high on the list. Are there any Marvel characters that are not hot though? Except maybe Jubiliee?

Logan is my favorite comic book character btw Kali.

And I feel super nerdy right now.


Wolvie's OK, but nobody's better than the Main Man!


wow cullen thanks i had no idea!


Lobo is cool I have some of those 90's issues in a box somewhere.


I read somewhere or other that Walt Disney had a fanatical obsession with getting rid of all hint of genitalia in his studios cartoons. I can't remember specifically what the details were -- just that it was rather freakish.

Also, now I need to come up with some pantsless animal characters for the strip next week...


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