Don't lie to us. We know you are in on this.
by Turtle Jones

So this is conspiracy theory day!

Why you think something is run by the Government? Why you think the newspaper is always late? Why you think the Three Stooges had a homosexual agenda to kill the world one by one with the use of cigars and eye pokes?

These are the first ones that came up for us.

And as Jack says on "24".....

We are running out of time!!!!

turtle tells the world what they need to know first.

One night I stared at my BAC on the machine increasing as I thought the cops were just laughing at me. Well, they were. I was already arrested. I didn't need this. I thought they were just fucking with me. They were. I sat in a cell.

That's where they all started.

Conspiracy Theories

First of all, before any of this gets started, I want you to know I sleep with a 12 gauge and a German Shepherd, so let's not get any ideas here. I am like a sped out tweaker wondering where the next place to buy a "Whopper Jr.” is. I think that was Burger King, but it might be the Clown guy's place. See, my mind works that way.

My biggest theories?

Noah's Bagels

These are the work of the devil. They say they are the are the original New York bagels yet no one over on the East Coast has heard of them. They want to get you addicted to them while you think New York is the place to get these types of bagels. Go to New York and eat a real one. Noah's are liars who want you to believe the East Coast is better while playing rap tunes over the intercom.

They want you to think that they are New York when they prolly aren't even made in Fresno.

John Belushi was killed by Bill Murray

You think he OD'ed?

No my friends. He was supposed to be the Dan Ackroyd in the John movies.But, John liked Dan better. Bill killed him after he was left out of "Animal House". For Christ sakes, he didn't even get "D-Day;s" role. Bill killed him by selling bad dope to him. Caddyshack my ass. Bill golfs now. Every day. And every time he sinks a putt he says his mantra.

"Thank you god John is dead."

Now this mantra could be about John Lennon, but it is well known Richard Nixon shot Lennon dead so we won't discuss that here.


He is still alive. Trust me. He wanted to disappear like I did. He did it his own way. Elvis tried working in fast food joints, but he just couldn't make it. Ever seen the Weekly World News?

They know where he is. According to the July 15th edition, Elvis is working on a road crew in California. Constantly bitching about how rock and roll sucks as he eats donuts and watches cars blow tires and eats more donuts.

Thus, the relevance of the decline of rock and roll and the decline of California highways have a direct link.

George Foremangf_intro.jpg

Why is the guy naming all his kids after himself? Easy. He is making an army. You fools just can't see it. What his army is after is anyone’s guess.

I'm just afraid one day the Constitution will be changed and I'll have George XIV at my door saying the "Article of the Constitution require me to have a grillin' machine in my house."

Watching all my non-compliant neighbors lined up and shot.

Grill or die.


Oh. He has it out for all of us. You don't see it, but it is there. He is not a nice happy forgiving god. Fuck no. He is a god that respects nothing except for blood. You think a party is going on up in heaven? No. It's not. It's like watching reruns of "Judge Judy" while cleaning up beer cans from the night before. Face it.

You made it to heaven, but you have to clean the shit until you get god high on your dope for free.

Deal with it.

You are dead.

Wang Chung

If you spin those records backwards they talk to you. Wang Chung wants the world too. "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" spun backwards really says "Everybody grab a gun tonight, shoot the president and elect us as the owners of the new world."

You have to take a lot of drugs to hear it, but it is there.

So in the end it looks like a fight off.

George Foreman and his army of Roman Numerals and Wang Chung coming together to take over the world as god eats bagels and laughs at you while you pick up the empty "Coors" cans. - T

michele tells her secrets:

First, fair warning. This has been a long day for me. I worked hard for a change. Government employees aren’t supposed to do that, so it threw me for a loop. I’m all out of sorts and that might be apparent in my story here.

I love a good conspiracy theory. Nothing like wild-eyed speculation to give an otherwise mundane story a lift. I mean, take JFK. Just another dead president. Booooooring. But add the allure of Marilyn Monroe, the mob and LBJ and you got a story with legs, man. This thing will walk for a hundred years or more. Sure, most conspiracy theories are like those emails your mom sends you about flashing your headlights at oncoming cars; no one ever says they believe them, but you know damn well there are some people who are deathly afraid of being killed by the Crips if they flash their lights. Like my mom.

And this is where my Big Conspiracy Theory comes in. It’s the Theory of Urban Legends. See, all those stories on Snopes? All those emails with the 600 forwards that your Uncle Gus in Ohio sent you? They are all part of one big conspiracy.

The guy hiding in the back of your car at the gas station. Mentos and Coke. Kidneys in the bathtub. Alligators in the sewer. The guy with the hook. Tupac is alive. Soylent Green is people.

All of these legends were made up by one evil, sinister cabal, formed long ago with the intent of, well, just making fools out of people. They have this giant underground lair where they gather on the third of every month to come up with new legends to pass around._40357803_urban-legend-hook203.jpg They used to have to do this by word of mouth, but ever since Al Gore invented the internet, they have been able to propagate their theories at the speed of however speedy that series of tubes that run the internet goes.

This may seem unbelievable to you. But trust me, I have it on good authority. A friend of a friend of a cousin’s uncle’s next door neighbor told me about it. And I heard that he is actually related to someone who was at one of these cabal meetings so you know it has to be true. It was them who made up that big theory about the world ending on August 22nd and it was this very cabal that brought you the “don’t go in the mall” legend of October 2001. Razors in the apples? Them. Elvis working at 7-11? Them.

But why, you ask? And who? What kind of people would spend so much time making up stories and passing them on to naive people like my mother, who would then enter them into an email with every one of her contacts listed, not bothering to BCC by the way, and send them off as if they were gospel truth and we should all be boycotting the Post Office because they are making a Hitler stamp?


I don’t know. This is where my conspiracy theory ends.

But I think it might be Leprechauns.

Like I said, I’m tired. And I have more hard work ahead of me tomorrow.

Damn government. Trying to make me work for my pay. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you. -M

These are just theories folks.

What's yours?

update It's 9:30 at night and I just finished eating a mini bag of M&M's. Every M&M was blue. Why were they all blue? Why did I get this little bag? It was cause the government read what I wrote earlier tonight and tried to poison me with Blue Dye #35. - T

Another update This is a serious one. Take this to heart, my readers, a group of steel drum players have nothing but the devil on their mind. CSC-Steel-Calypso-Band.jpg

Steel drum Calypso bands

This was the group that was on the grassy knoll that day. Want to know why the pope was shot? Why the President was shot? Why we have the Brady Bill? The terrorists have won everytime I hear "Copacabana" on a steel drum set.

Don't get me wrong.

I still want a steel drum

I will get one soon.

Fight fire with fire.

God Bless America. - T

Update again I have been told by Michele to put a "- T" at the end of all my updates. There seems to be something going on here but I still haven't figured it out. I think the "- T" at the end of all my posts lets the government know who is writing these and she wants no part of it. Cause I know the truth. - T

Clutch - Animal Farm


and I didn't even talk about my Richard Simmons "Deal a Meal" cards theory.

He wants the world fat so he can get more cash.

The cards don't work and were written by the lifeblood of the communist countries. Simmons wants everyone fat to get cash off his cards while he is selling his soul to devil by funding 3rd world countries nuclear arms development.


Ron Popiel. Those two names together scare me. Who knows what secret device he has installed in all those different products he sells to so many different sectors of an unsuspecting public?? Just the other day I was cleaning out the garage and found an old Pocket Fisherman. The plastic handle had cracked a bit, and when I looked inside I saw

+++++++CARRIER LOST+++++++


I heard that Dunkin Donuts puts crack in their coffee to make you want it all the time.

Rock on Elvis, where ever you are.


All those DJs you listened to, waiting for them to play THE song, the one that would unite us all and instill whirled peas?

That's why they got into radio, they were waiting for that band too and just never grew the fuck out of it.


Oh wait, that's not a conspiracy, that's the truth.

Okay, how's this? Karl Rove and Hillary Clinton are secretly collaborating on driving the wedge into the American Psyche in order to take control of all the soon to be available wind power and solar energy. And chicklets, they live for chicklets.


And I was working at Second City in Chicago at the time John died. Everyone knows it was Brian Doyle Murray, Bill's not so talented brother who killed John...or was it John's not so talented brother Jim...heyyyy, Jim does have a nice career these days...doesn't he?


Retailers forced the government to impose Daylight Savings Time upon us.

check it out


you two are too fucking hilarious. i think turtle needs to lay off the blue m&m's though.


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