hockey balls
by Turtle Jones

Funny day.

You ever had a day when you felt like you where in a hole then all of a sudden everything started falling into place?

New columnists, new topics, new looks, new everything about FTTW.

It's kinda cool.

And hours earlier you were pushing your car to the gas station. Have one of those days? Where you can sit covered in sweat shaking, talking to someone about how bad their day has been going and all of a sudden, within seconds, things change.

It's kinda cool.

But that’s just our day. We need to move on. We are getting a few new sports writers. Oh, you damn well knew it was only a matter of time before I got a female roller derby player in here and a hockey player.

rollerderby.jpgHey dude, it's what we do. We see what we want and we grab it.

So in the spirit of that we pose a simple question to you.

What's your favorite sport and why?

turtle goes all meg on you

Well, this is a tough one. I love watching roller derby. Dude, chicks beating each other up covered in tattoos blasting punk rock in the back. But, really, is that really a sport? I mean I kinda get it, but not really. So, I guess I can't say women beating each other up is my favorite sport, but fuck yeah, it comes close to the top three. Seeing some girl scream for air while her moans for help being masked by the Ramones playing in your ears is incredible.

But I really think the sport that will always hold me tight is this one. Soccer. Fuck you guys who call it football. I fucking hate saying American Style Football. That sounds lame. That's part of the reason I won't talk sports on other sites with people from "across the pond." Which even saying that "pond" thing is lame.

You wanna know why I call it soccer? Cause we won all the World God Damn Wars. That gives us the right to name anything. I'll rename your son to "The Mustard Boy" if you have an accent. Wanna know why? D-Day. That's why.That's right Mr. Mustard Man. That's why.

Keep talking to me and I'll have your whole family named after some food condiment.

Sure, soccer. I like it. I played it. It was fun. I will give you that it isn't a very newbie type of game. You can't really see what is going on when you look at it except, well nothing, but if you really watch the plays that are happening and the skill that are used, it is incredible.spice_girls_150d.JPG I am the type of person who never bags on anyone else's gig. If you like football, that's fine. I don't care. Just don't bag on my favorite or I will tell 20 ways to one how bad yours sucks.

I love Euro. I love our division. I die for World Cup. I love watching everything except that god damn Beckham and his stupid wife. Meh, go to Spain. Go to fucking Pampalounius for all I care. Poncho de Via and all that shit. You’re not in our league, so I could give a fuck less. I mean really dude. You are nailing a Spice Girl. I mean that may be cool and all, but you know you get made fun of in the papers. Don't try to fool any of us. You get mocked.

I got off track again.

Soccer is fun because watching it is more like a soap opera. I guess you really have to play it to get it. Run around for 90 minutes coughing all your air out and then the ball hits you again. What the hell? Can I have five minutes rest? Two? Nope. Keep going. Kind of the same attitude I developed over my lifetime. Always realize that this game is going to go on till the extra time is out and untill then, you have to keep fucking running till that final whistle blows.

Until then..

You keep running. - T

michele takes two minutes in the box:

Like the man said, it's been one of those days. Just when I was feeling kind of pessimstic and all angsty about things, life changed in a flash. Things are happening. Things are moving fast. I'm not really good about change (insert bitching about having to move my office to another floor today), but some changes, they are the ones you have been laying awake at night wondering how you can make them happen. And then they do. Life kicks ass sometimes. And speaking of kicking ass (see how I did that?).....I'm supposed to be talking about my favorite sport.

Hockey. That’s my game. Yea, I love baseball and football. Gave up on basketball a long time ago. But hockey gets me going.

Well, I’ll be truthful here. I’m partial to old time hockey. Very partial. The NHL is just a shadow of what it used to be. Back when men were men and helmets weren’t required.

Old time hockey. Back in the time of bench clearing brawls. Remember those? Started with a trip or a high stick and ended up with everyone, including the goalies, pairing off and punching out, sticks and gloves scattered all over the ice. If you were lucky, a goon or two would climb over the penalty box and into the stands.

Makes me want to grit my teeth and growl.

I mean that in a good way.

Yea, I'm a barbarian. Not that there's anything wrong with that. It's just that I was raised to believe that a hockey game wasn't complete until someone got a game misconduct. If two or three or even four people got a misconduct, all the better.oldtimehockey.jpg My mama raised me right. We’d sit in front of the tv watching an Islander/Flyer and taking bets on who was going to get the first penalty. Who would drop the gloves first. Who would go down in a heap of bleed and teeth.

Oh yea, the game. Of course I like the skating, the finesse, the hat tricks and assists and icing everything that makes hockey a beautiful sport. But fuck. You want beautiful hockey? Go watch Miracle. You want raw power and blood and flying teeth? Buy a best of hockey fights tape. Because you damn sure aren't going to see any good, old-fashioned type brawls in today's NHL.

The late 70's and early 80's were the golden age of hockey fights. Tiger Williams, Dave Semenko, Bobby Clark, Terry O'Reilly, Clark Gillies, Marty McSorely, Willie Plett, just to name a few. It was a time when the word "enforcer" meant something. Someone who protected the forwards. Someone who could throw a hip check with such devasting force that the boards rattled. Someone who intimidated the opposing team into playing like pansies. Now, you get guys like Tie Domi, who are nothing more than 200 pounds of testosterone wrapped around a low-functioning brain. Yesterday's enforcers could play and score; today's goons are cheap-shot artists with all the skills of Happy Gilmore.

My favorite hockey fight moment ever: Clark Gilles of the Islanders and Ed Hospodar of the Rangers, squaring off. Dancing around the ice with gloves off and fists raised. Eyeing each other, waiting to see who was going to go for the jersey pull first. Gillies throws a punch. Lands it but good. Hospodar goes down with a broken jaw. And that is how he got the nickname “One Punch Hospodar” in my family.

I miss those days. I miss the aggression and and the bone crushing checks. I miss the dropping of gloves and the Flyers climbing into the stands and players jumping out of the penalty box to join a brawl. Call me barbaric or whatever it is you call people who find violence between consenting adults who get paid to do such a thing exciting and fun. I don’t care. That’s why I loved hockey.

I still love it, even with all the ridiculous rule changes, even with the way Bettman has destroyed the league. Even with the way Charles Wang has fucked with the Islanders.

The Islanders. My love of hockey was born with them.isles.jpg I watched them grow from a team of cellar dwelling losers to Stanley Cup champions. Four years in a row I drove my car up and down Hempstead Turnpike with thousands of other people celebrating a championship. One year I was there. Inside the Coliseum. Islanders v. North Stars and the Isles clinched the cup. I stood there watching them circle the ice with Lord Stanley’s cup held high and damn if that wasn’t one of the greatest moments of my life. People who don’t watch sports don’t understand that, but if you are a sports fan, any sport, you know.

Every September I get hopeful again. I get all optimistic about the upcoming seasons. I look forward to the daily fights with my kid (he’s a damn Ranger fan). I know from experience that I’ll be let down. It’s always a “building” year with these guys. Hell, they could have built the fucking pyramids by now. One of these days. They’ll get back on track and I’ll get to feel that rush of adrenaline that comes when it’s game 7 and nearing overtime and the cup is on the line. That’s a rush. Man, I miss those days. Hell, I can still tell you the jersey number of every member of the 80-81 team.

For now, I settle for watching a pretty mediocre team that’s being crushed by crappy management. But I always have my hockey fight tapes to soothe me. Fisticuffs. Gloves scattered on the ice. Hair flying. A few loose teeth.

Old time hockey. Eddie Shore. -M

So that's our day and these are our sports. What's your favorite? And hey, if you hate sports and think they are lame and stupid and a they are a metaphor for the barren wasteland of our patriarchal society, we don't want to hear it. Don't be that guy.

Just tell us what sports you like. Without saying the Yankees suck. Because I will hurt your face if you say that.

Supersuckers Fisticuffs
Hanson Brothers The Hockey Song
The Business Maradona
The Business England 5 - Germany 1


yankees suck


You're lucky I like your face too much to hurt it. But I'm gonna stomp on your foot with a hammer when you get here.


no really

top three

1. soccer
2. hockey
3. womens roller derby


please michele!

Don't hurt 'em!


break it down..

oh oh...
oh oh...


I'm so sick of MC Hammer, nobody talks about Young MC anymore.



ok no really football is the only sport worth watching on tv.

hockey's awesome in person but hell if i can follow that fucking puck around even with the new school highlight.

baseball is boring as fuck unless you're in standing room only at camden yards which happens to be located above the visiting teams' bullpen.. FUNFUNFUN!!


oh ya and i think it should come as no suprize that i was on a roller derby team in austin. the hellcats.


You guys don't still use that red/blue puck highlight thing down there in the U.S., do you? I thought that was long dead.


Roller derby kicks ass... And yes, Turtle, any time you have that much physical contact, I'd consider it a sport. Golf, not a sport. Swimming, not a sport. Roller derby, hell yeah, that's a sport.


Football / Hockey in the winter.
Baseball / NASCAR in the summer.

If there's nothing else on, basketball.

Michele you and I are exact polar opposites when it comes to our teams. Ha ha.


I'll weigh in here. I don't consider it a "sport", but how about skateboarding? If Roller Derby counts, then skateboarding counts, right?

A session in on a backyard half-pipe is akin to a backyard softball game with friends, right? I'm not talking about all of that X-Games shit.

If skateboarding doesn't count, I'd say World Rally Championship. I have said many times that I would pit a WRC driver against ANY driver in motorsports and he would have a chance.

For example: take identical cars and plop in a NASCAR driver, an F1 driver, an NHRA drag racer and a WRC driver and the rally dude will kick some major ass.


Skateboarding totally counts... I guess I need to clarify my "physical contact" rule... Any time you make physical contact (be it with another person or the cold hard concrete after a failed rail slide), I'd consider it a sport....


I would say that golf and swimming are sports. There is physical activity and definte skill required there.

8-ball pool and poker are not sports. Those are games. I hate tv poker. You can't get away from it.


I just want to be pre emptive here and say that cheerleading is not a sport.

Skateboarding? Yes.
Golf? Yes.
NASCAR? Not so much.
Cheerleading? NO.


ahahaha sister you're asking for the girls to "bring it."

"oh it's already been brough'en"


Are video games considered sports?


If so, Ernie, then consider me a jock.

you're asking for the girls to "bring it."

Dude. Bring it On. Greatest guilty pleasure movie EVER.


the red/blue hackey puck has long since been dead in california. since like 96 or something.

that bugged the shit out me.

"oh! he hit it fast"

"How can you tell?"

"cause the puck changed colors"

gah. that was hell


Cool, thanks, yes it was annoying as hell to watch. It lasted, like, maybe a week in Canada. That was one bad week.


Roller derby, especially in its newest version, is most definitely a sport. I've been to plenty of practices, watching my wife and her derby mates, and I've seen the ambulance come for the newest broken leg. I've seen the hand size bruises on the thighs.

Personal favorite sport would have to be soccer. Watching a good game is asking for a heart attack with the highs and lows. Five perfect passes that end up on a shot dead into the corner, and all of it is for shit as the keeper explodes like lightning to wrap his entire body around the ball on the goal line. I would agree with Turtle about playing, dying for a break, just a sip of water. I play with a guy who will sub out for a cigarette and a preahcer who sometimes brings his pint of whiskey.

I remember playing basketball and getting called for carrying the ball and for double dribbling. Now I see it happen all the time, and apparently it's okay these days. I remember when a team was five guys working together as opposed to five guys trying to out slam dunk each other. But my oldest son has asked about playing basketball, and I'm excited that we might get to start playing together.

And it was the English who originally came up with the name soccer. At the time, over a hundred years ago, football was a game in which feet and hands were sometimes used, and the sport as we know it hadn't quite evolved. The sport as it existed then was fast becoming two different games. One side wanted carrying with hands while the other wanted no use of hands. The game we know as soccer was known for a time as Association Football. The word soccer is a perversion of the word association. Now soccer is football, and that other football is called rugby. Here in the States we have a game called football, and I think it's funny to call US football by the name of run,collide,repeat because I find it much more accurate. It makes me laugh!


Boxing - two guys knocking the crap outta each other and neither one is me.
Football - (see above - but with teams)
Baseball - I just love sitting in the stands on a warm summer evening, now if I had a team anywhere within 300 miles I'd be okay.
Basketball- I'd rather stick pins in my eyes,
NASCAR - See basketball, but subsitute pins for giant steel barbs.

Yankees SUCK!


I will hunt you down and hurt your face, yo.


Bring it babe...

The Yankees have become the new Braves, can get to the post season, but can't close the deal


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