Ouch. That Hurts.......
by Turtle Jones

Because of the start of the NFL season, something I never watch, and because I am seeing all these hurt guys on the sideline with cut up testicles and cut up stomachs, I thought it would be a good time to think about sports injuries.

And no, I'm not talking about that slow motion compound fracture to that one quarterback years ago.

I am talking about you.

What was your sports injury that really, really made you wonder why you did this sport? Why did you play it? Sure. Playing football or soccer, you can kinda expect to get hurt. Hockey? I actually think "Hockey" means "Missing Teeth" in Russian. So yes, there are tough games out there. But, being the Turtle, I have to go another angle.

My better half is suffering from a bad headache from all this redesign and is taking the night off and sleeping for a half hour while I kick this out.golf.JPG

But, anyways, I know a lot of you love Michele's stories a lot better then mine, but sometimes this stuff has to happen. Three days and this site will run itself. Just hold on till we get to Monday. Then it will all start.

But anyways.


Specifically, sports injuries.

More specially, your sports injuries.

Wanna play?

Here we go.


Beer a hole. Oh, you know this is going nowhere but down. Every hole, drink another beer. Hot weather and plenty of beer. Seriously, I was drunk by the 6th hole. My mind was shot as I kept walking. See, that's what I do when I golf. I don't get a cart. That's pure pussy. I can walk. But, having an 18 pack of Natural Ice and a golf bag strapped on your back is a lot to deal with. I got people behind me screaming to move faster and people in front of me asking me to slow down. Slam another beer. The Marshal asks us if we have been drinking too much. Of couse not. What do you think we are? A bunch of drunks?

I am talking to him like some sports caster telling him "no" while asking him if he can throw this empty can away for me. And if he has a cigarette. And why he is fucking with us. And asking if he really thought the foursome of the "Christian Coalition for Cocaine" would really be drinking in this tournament. Hey. We wanna win. Christians. For Cocaine. Great name.

I thought it was funny at the time.

I set up on the 16th hoe and nailed one. Way out there. Fuck yeah. I walked back as my friend pushed his ball down in the grass. I lit my cigar. It's what I always did. And still do. The Marshall asking me if we need some help. Sixteen beers, I'm feeling no pain. I don't need your help. Two holes left. Just leave us alone. I'm singing some old Black Sabbath songs by now thinking of how bad I can fuck with people before this ends.


My friend muffed his shot. Hit it right off in my direction. I didn't even see it coming. The ball hit me right in the eye. Under it really. I did something I never do. I put out my smoke and tried to see clear. Blood. Great. Moveable face. Great. Sure, the alcohol really helped the handling of the pain, but it still hurt like hell. The Marshall went away. My friend gave me a fresh smoke and apologized. I pushed my checkbone back up and kept going. Fucking blood.

It ruined my handicap for the day.

golf ball.JPGBut still. The golf ball cracked my skull and gave me the meanest black eye I have ever had. Surgery and pins to hold my head together for a god damn golf game.

And there were still two holes left in the game.

So that was my worst injury. Cut up and fucked up for playing golf. Fucking golf. This is a game you play with your mother, not fucked up on drugs and alcohol yelling at the Marshall while holding your shirt over your face to stop the blood from coming out.

This is my worst injury.

For golf.

Don’t ask me about skateboarding. Cause that just gets ugly.

What's yours?

Your worst sport injury? - T


Okay, I'm 43 years old at the time and Boyo is 8 and doing Tae Kwon Do. His school offers a one month free trial for all family members. Why not? I did some Okinowan Karate (30 FREAKING YEARS AGO), what could go wrong?

The second night we're just throwin' front kicks across the floor and I hear my right knee go CHUNK! I don't have to tell you how that felt...you already know.

Since then I stick with light weights, high reps and walking/running/jogging and basic Tai Chi.

I hate acting my age but it's much less painful.


i just do walking in the parks and golf now. Coughing up blood is a thing of the past.

although i would really like to get a skateboard again


Oh my God. I've been skateboarding since I was a pup. The worst?

Back when I was in junior high school, the big trick (for us) called a 50/50 drop in. Instead of putting the tail of the board on the ramp and dropping in straight, you put the board parallel to the coping, it rests on both trucks and you pivot and come in.

If you do it wrong, the back end hangs up. Yup. 5 foot ramp, back end hangs up and I fall straight to my face. Literally. I figured, what the Hell. I'm bleeding now. I wanna pull it. Did it again. Exactly the same way. Hit my face exactly the same way. Standing on my friend's porch (it was his ramp) rang the doorbell, waited for his Mom to come. Big trail of blood leading from the ramp to the door, big puddle of blood on the porch where I was waiting.

Those were the days. heh heh

These days, I just dislocate my shoulders. Done it, to each shoulder, about 4-5 times in the past two years. Symmetry is important to me, so I had to do both of them. It hurts incredibly.

Buy another skateboard Turtle. I'll dial 9-1, then when you tell me, I'll dial the other 1.


im sure michele will buy me one for a surprise one day. Then be surpised when i bomb drop onto a ramp from a roof and she has to take me to the hospital or stitch up my head herself.

we dontr wanna encourage her.

She is kinda squeamish...


I played nose tackle in junior high football. I was a big kid though, and practiced with the vasity.

I have dislocated my shoulder and have snapped fingers. Fingers hurt the worst.

My worst injury was in soccer though. In the Army, we had daily PT. In Okinawa, every so often on Fridays, we'd have a sports day. I was going for the ball one time, was planting my right foot to kick with my left. My left foot slipped and my right leg crumpled beneath me. I dislocated my knee cap and sprained my ankle. The worst pain ever. Took forever to heal too.


Varsity, dammit.

Hey y'all, is the "Remember personal info?" not working for you, too?


Sports? Enough to have an injury? ME???



What Solonor said.

Although I was hit by a baseball at a little league game once.

Oh, and I've caused injury to others. With frisbees. Two broken noses.


I used to barefoot waterski when I was a kid and one time I ran over a fish that was swimming near the surface of the water. I had to have it's spine surgically removed from my foot. Very painful but no lasting damage though...


I turned my ankle slightly trying to rush and beat a friend trying to get back to the recliner after halftime of a football game while at a friend's house. Food lost - 1 hamburger. Beer lost - 0 (I prise myself in taking care of my beverages).

And Cullen, I sure hope the 'remember personal info' gets fixed too. I hate having to keep looking up to see who I am...


And no, I'm not buying you a skateboard. I am not going to encourage you to crack your head open.

Although, if you dig around the garage long enough, you will find a board and trucks. Maybe some wheels. And some tools.


oh god

my volleyball injury was the worst

i tore out my ankle playing volleyball

jesus, that sounds lame


I did Tomiki-style Aikido for years and got hurt, but nothing really serious. Caused a few, and saw a lot, but I never got hurt in a way that I couldn't shrug off in a few days. Most of my really bad injuries from doing really stupid shit.

If you're in a game or playing a sport, you're focused. If you're drunk and hitting a battery with a hammer because you're curious about what the inside looks like, well, accidents happen.


If you're drunk and hitting a battery with a hammer because you're curious about what the inside looks like, well, accidents happen.

I would really like to hear this whole story.


Skateboards don't kill people. They are merely a means to an end. Uhm...this isn't working out right.

Have you ever considered a longboard? You can carve and cruise and surf it. Lots of people over the age of 17 ride them. I make longboards. I can fix you up with a board, but you'll need trucks and wheels and stuff.


I grew up at a boys home and every year, we put on a rodeo for the alumni and general public. I decided my sophomore year to give Bronc riding a try...

My first ride out, I lasted all of 4 seconds and was launched in the air and onto my back, luckily, the ground was turned enough that it was soft...I remember hearing the crowd groan briefly as I pulled myself up from the ground.

Rodeo clowns and other workers were running towards me to see if I was ok. I was confused as to why they were making a big deal of me getting bucked...I told them the only thing hurting was my pride and went to prepare for some bull ridin'...

That night, as I was showering, I beganing soaping and scrubbing down...when I reached the family jewels, things began to sting, and sting bad...I looked down to see that there were scuff marks...similar to what you find when you scuff your knee...

When I finished, I went to a friend and asked him to describe my ride...

"Dude! You landed on your back and that bronc's back legs came straight down on your nuts! I thought you were dead for sure!"

After a quick trip to the doctor, I learned, thankfully, that nothing had been damaged, other than the scratches...I learned that had I not been wearing a jockstrap, it would have been ugly...

I quit bronc ridin' and stuck to bulls and bulldogging.


I make longboards. I can fix you up with a board, but you'll need trucks and wheels and stuff.

send me a gmail and we can talk about this



"Remember personal info" hasn't worked for me since ASV went away.

I'm using Firefox 1.5.


I'll try to figure the "remember me" stuff out, guys.


no real sports injuries. Lots of dumbass injuries. I think the only real sports injury i got, i got last year learning how to snowboard, and i tore a ligament in my knee. I just remember wiping it on this hill and sliding down on my back, one loose foot going one way, the one still attached to the board heading for my head, somehow, my knee next to my ear, and the weight of the board was carrying my foot in such a way that eventually it would have acted like a brake in the snow (at some point on the hill above my head). And right around where it got to where i was thinking, Jesus, my leg shouldn't do that! i heard a snap right next to my ear. part of my lateral collateral ligament went. But at the bottom of the hill i got back up, dusted my shit off and headed back to the lift. My first time snowboarding and i wasn't gonna let some stupid little ligament get in my way. i don't really know how it all happened. I'm flexible and all, but lay flat on your back and see how close to your ear you can get your knee....


I've never had any major sports injuries. Playing high school basketball with braces I soon learned to wear a mouth piece, not to keep my teeth in but to save my lips from being shredded. Perhaps I'd have been better off learning to catch the ball.

This past spring playing adult league soccer I took an odd nutless shot. A player two to three feet in front of me sent a hell of a pass directly up into the area. I was jumping at the time to block the pass and luckily got no nut into the pass, but the ball did smash the end of my penis into my abdomen. I hit the ground already in the fetal position. It was a weird new pain that was not nearly as horrid as the actual jewel shot but no more pleasant.

My jewel shot was high school. I was blocking the near post on a corner kick. Once again it was a hell of a shot that curved perfectly and directly into the goods. I blocked the shot though.


When I was 22 y/o I went on a second date with a guy where we ended up having sex. During the romp, something shifted in my spinal column. When I was delivered home the next morning, my back hurt more. I laid on the floor and put my legs up, only to discover I now couldn't get up off the floor without screaming. The hospital was called and 3 EMTs and 2 Firemen showed up to put me on a stretcher and take me to the ER. I spent 5 days there laid up in bed because during sex, I'd managed to slip a disk in my lower back, pinching my Cyatic Nerve and leaving my legs numb. After having to explain to 11 nurses and 6 doctors exactly HOW I injured myself, I decided this was, by far, the most embarrassing, painful injury I would ever have. To this day, my back is still phuked up. I never saw the guy again.


Were this a contest, JW would be delcared winner right now.


sex is a sport?

i always thought of it was more of a bdsm, midget thing

maybe a clown, too


ahahahaha JW that's awesome and YES sex is fully a sport!


I got hit in the mouth with a baseball when I was 7. Accelerated my dental growth I'm sure.


The TKD thing was the most recent, the WORST was Alaska, 1986, Flag Football, my right foot planted, I did an amazing 90 degree juke move and tore the living hell out of a groin muscle.


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