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Ouch. That Hurts.......
by Turtle Jones
Because of the start of the NFL season, something I never watch, and because I am seeing all these hurt guys on the sideline with cut up testicles and cut up stomachs, I thought it would be a good time to think about sports injuries.
And no, I'm not talking about that slow motion compound fracture to that one quarterback years ago.
I am talking about you.
What was your sports injury that really, really made you wonder why you did this sport? Why did you play it? Sure. Playing football or soccer, you can kinda expect to get hurt. Hockey? I actually think "Hockey" means "Missing Teeth" in Russian. So yes, there are tough games out there. But, being the Turtle, I have to go another angle.
My better half is suffering from a bad headache from all this redesign and is taking the night off and sleeping for a half hour while I kick this out.
But, anyways, I know a lot of you love Michele's stories a lot better then mine, but sometimes this stuff has to happen. Three days and this site will run itself. Just hold on till we get to Monday. Then it will all start.
Specifically, sports injuries.
More specially, your sports injuries.
Here we go.
Beer a hole. Oh, you know this is going nowhere but down. Every hole, drink another beer. Hot weather and plenty of beer. Seriously, I was drunk by the 6th hole. My mind was shot as I kept walking. See, that's what I do when I golf. I don't get a cart. That's pure pussy. I can walk. But, having an 18 pack of Natural Ice and a golf bag strapped on your back is a lot to deal with. I got people behind me screaming to move faster and people in front of me asking me to slow down. Slam another beer. The Marshal asks us if we have been drinking too much. Of couse not. What do you think we are? A bunch of drunks?
I am talking to him like some sports caster telling him "no" while asking him if he can throw this empty can away for me. And if he has a cigarette. And why he is fucking with us. And asking if he really thought the foursome of the "Christian Coalition for Cocaine" would really be drinking in this tournament. Hey. We wanna win. Christians. For Cocaine. Great name.
I thought it was funny at the time.
I set up on the 16th hoe and nailed one. Way out there. Fuck yeah. I walked back as my friend pushed his ball down in the grass. I lit my cigar. It's what I always did. And still do. The Marshall asking me if we need some help. Sixteen beers, I'm feeling no pain. I don't need your help. Two holes left. Just leave us alone. I'm singing some old Black Sabbath songs by now thinking of how bad I can fuck with people before this ends.
My friend muffed his shot. Hit it right off in my direction. I didn't even see it coming. The ball hit me right in the eye. Under it really. I did something I never do. I put out my smoke and tried to see clear. Blood. Great. Moveable face. Great. Sure, the alcohol really helped the handling of the pain, but it still hurt like hell. The Marshall went away. My friend gave me a fresh smoke and apologized. I pushed my checkbone back up and kept going. Fucking blood.
It ruined my handicap for the day.
But still. The golf ball cracked my skull and gave me the meanest black eye I have ever had. Surgery and pins to hold my head together for a god damn golf game.
And there were still two holes left in the game.
So that was my worst injury. Cut up and fucked up for playing golf. Fucking golf. This is a game you play with your mother, not fucked up on drugs and alcohol yelling at the Marshall while holding your shirt over your face to stop the blood from coming out.
This is my worst injury.
Don’t ask me about skateboarding. Cause that just gets ugly.
Your worst sport injury? - T