Pie Wars!
by Michele Christopher

pies2.jpgBecause another site has the ability to ban me when I start one of these threads, we decided to find out where our readers allegiances are. We are not talking about anything serious here; we just need to get this out of the way it is before our new site premieres next Monday. Might as well figure who has good taste buds and who is just weird.

This is pie war.

This got both Michele and I banned on other sites before, but since this is our site, who really cares?

Yes, this will get ugly.

turtle gets in his taxi

Apple pie. What else can you say? Don't ask me about the thing in Taxi Driver with the slice of cheddar cheese. That sounds so god damn gay it makes Gene Simmons look like Richard Simmons. Cheddar cheese. On pie. hm.

But I always called everyone who ate any other type of pie weird. No, I'm not all American and no I don't like baseball but yes, I like apple pie. And sex. Having sex after eating a piece of apple pie in some god-forsaken island in New York is pretty close to heaven.

Or maybe it was just Friday night.

All I know is I want it again.

But, that's beside the point.

All I know is apple pie is a sign of supremacy and victory. The Ice cream on top is like putting the flag on the moon for the Apollo astronauts.


Apple pie, to me, is like life.

Well, more like a game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos".

When you eat apple pie, it;s like you are playing a game of "Hungry Hungry Hippos" with the Orange Hippo. You are the Orange Hippo. B00000IWIA.01._SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpgThe Hippo of Strength and Power. Courage and Wisdom. Someone who likes pumpkin pie can be the Pink Hippo. The Hippo of Weakness. Cowardice.

I will eat more balls than you. I will be the ball eater. God, that sounds kinda gay, but anyways, my Orange Hippo will show your Hippo the flaws in your pie-eating plan.

If you want something weird like Mincemeat. you might as well be the fucking Green Hippo. Otherwise know as "France". The Surrender Hippo. Make no mistakes, mien readers, pie wars are evil. The Green Hippo will always lose.

If you sit down after a large meal and someone offers you a piece of Blackberry pie, they are insulting you. Not only insulting you, but challenging the Orange Hippo. The Hippo of Strength and Power. Courage and Wisdom. I'll eat it. But as long as I can look in your eyes and let you have that gaze.

That "you lost to the Orange Hippo" gaze.

Apple pie.

Join me or die at my feet.

I think I have too much time on my hands. - T

michele breaks her cherry:

Turtle got the apple before me. I let him have it, really, because I’ve never seen anyone so devoted to apple pie. He’s fiercely loyal to it. In fact, it’s one of those things that we realized we had in common before we started dating. The willingness to defend the greatness of apple pie was something that brought us together. You can keep most other pies - and don’t even come in here and say something about mincemeat pie or squash pie or any of that crap because that ain’t pie, that’s dinner. And pie is dessert. Real pie does not contain vegetables. Except pumpkin. Wait, is pumpkin a vegetable?

Anyhow, I have to go with my second choice pie here. Which really isn’t a bad thing.

Cherry Pie


Yes, go ahead. Sing the Warrant song. Get it out of your system. But let me tell you, they were on to something. Because eating cherry pie is a pretty sensual experience.

First, I gotta say, don’t try to give me a cherry pie made with that canned filling. Like that crap they give you at iHop for your pancakes. What is that called? Oh, compote. No bueno. I’m not eating a compote pie. I want pitted, sour cherries. The tangy ones. The kind of tang that makes your mouth salivate just thinking about it.

goodpie.jpgOne fresh slice of cherry pie. I want to slide it into my mouth and get that satisfying, tantalizing feel of my juices starting to flow. And then to bite down into it, feel my teeth press against the soft flesh of the cherry and then the orgasmic explosion of flavor as the cherry bursts and its juices ooze over my tongue and down my throat. Lick the excess of my lips and dive in for another taste.

The only thing that could make that any better would be to have a hot, naked man turtle feeding it to me.

Swingin' in there 'cause
She wanted me to feed her
So I mixed up the batter
And she licked the beater

Hot damn, that’s good pie.

So those are our favorite pies. What's yours? An no one say hair pie or anything like that, cause I'll have to kick your ass. And forget pizza pie and shephard's pie or anything with meat or vegetables in it. We want dessert pies. You know what we mean.

We take our pies very seriously here at FTTW. Like turtle mentioned, this has gotten us a timeout on the forums of another site because these pie wars, well, they get vicious.

Name your pie. And be prepared to defend it.


Chocolate merengue. Amazing stuff. So light and fluffy, tastes like happy! But it's a distant second to apple. I really gotta go with Turtle on this one. sorry, Michelle. Although pumpkin is also pretty damned good. I eat a whole one every thanksgiving. Just because I can.


Here in Adelaide, South Australia, the local delicacy is the 'pie floater'.

Grab your ordinary, everyday meat pie, and stick it in hot pea soup, lash with salt, pepper, vinegar and regular tomato sauce, and it's everything a grown man needs for a night out on the turps.


Grab your ordinary, everyday meat pie

Is there really such a thing?


i don't really like pie crust. I am going to hell for that, probably, but i just don't think i have ever had, like, an apple or cherry pie that i didn't just horf the filling, taste the crust and leave it on the plate. Cos i just don't like it. The one pie with crust i had that i loved was made by a German friend's mom and it was Rhubarb-Strawberry. The pies i do like are crap like Key Lime Pie and Grasshopper Pie. But favorite, and everyone goes "euw" about it until i make one or show them the recipe, is my dad's Avocado pie, recipe handed down from his parents, his grandparents... GODDAMN it is some GOOD PIE. 'Specially with chocolate graham cracker crust.

So if this is an early lobbing of cannon in the pie war, i'm gonna French out and say keep your crusty crap and let me have my avocado and i won't come back later and fill your chimney with packing peanuts while your sleeping.


I'm going to have to go with the Apple. Not only is it a king amongst those wannabe pies, but when it has that crumbly stuff on the top - YUMMY! Then heat it up and put that perfect scoop (or two) of virgin Vanilla on top. Its perfection. Hot apple pie and ice cream. How can you argue?

unless its the Cheesecake lovers who are still torn on whether its a cake or a pie.


Grab your ordinary, everyday meat pie, and stick it in hot pea soup, lash with salt, pepper, vinegar and regular tomato sauce, and it's everything a grown man needs for a night out on the turps.

what in god's name does that mean?


Well I like apple pie and pumpkin pie so I am a very hungry hippo. And my wife makes this peanut butter / chocolate chip pie cookie thing. Its satan on a plate.


For me, it's got to be key lime pie, and not the kind you can buy frozen at the store. The kind made daily down Key West way. Topped with fresh whipped cream. The tartness of the key limes combined with the lightness of the whipped cream... heavenly!


Apple pie! yum, blueberry too. Apple/blueberry is even better. I love all pie.


lemon merengue. especially if the merengue is of the mile-high variety...when i was pregnant, though, i wanted cherry pie filling, straight out of the can.

and i wanted it often.


My mom's chocolate pie... Anyone who knows me knows I have a chocolate jones as bad as Milton Hershey. But my mom's pie is outta-fucking-sight...

Chocolate pudding, made in an iron skillet. Cooked three quarters of the way through, with a light skin on the top. Two handfuls of graham crackers smashed in a plastic bag with a rolling pin. A pie pan, very slightly greased with real butter. Dump the graham crumbs into the pie pan and swirl them around until the whole pan is coated. Dump in the filling and bake for 30 minutes at 350. Cool it, slice it and put about two inches of Cool Whip on top.

The tart chocolate and the non dairy vanilla creaminess come together perfectly. If mom makes a pot of coffee, I can kill the whole pie and the pot...


After watching many seasons of Australian Big Brother, I can safely say that meat pies (it's meat, gravy and dough) and tinned tomato are staples of the Australian diet.... They use 'em for everything...


My mother makes that. She calls it icebox cake.

That is a foodgasm right there. And a huge comfort food for me.


Impossible Pie. You don't want to know what's in it. It's better that way.


Is cheesecake considered pie?

Man, I love pie. I don't discriminate. I tend to like my pies creamy though -- chocolate, key lime, peanut butter -- and my fruit baked goods to be cobbler.


Shawna, my wife's name is Shauna.

It wigs me out sometimes.


Cullen, I thought about switching my W to a U.

Oh, and pie. yum.


Impossible Pie:

In a blender combine 2 cups of milk, 4 eggs (Opened and the shells thrown away), 3/4 cup sugar, 1/2 cup Bisquik, 1/4 cup butter and
1 1/2 teaspoons of vanilla. Cover (or wash the ceiling) and blend on low speed for 3 minutes. Turn into a greased pie pan and let stand for 5 minutes. Now since this is a coconut pie we must sprinkle a cup of coconut on the top. Bake at 350F for 40 minutes.

No thank you.

And coconut is the devil.



I don't use coconut.


I use nutmeg. Yum. Is it too late to use the blender for three minutes?


That sounds like a giant coconut biscuit. Ew!


My wife's Pecan Pie.

My wife's Sweet 'tater pie.

Gramma's Stawberry Rhubarb Pie with Whipped Creme, none of that Cool Whip crap.


Oh my effin' god. You people are playing my song.

1. Cooked apples, in my opinion, are completely ruined. Yes, I went there. I don't care for apple pie. That said, I have a pan full of apple tarts cooling right now in the kitchen, because my sweetie loves him some apple pie.

2. Blueberry is the alpha and omega of pie. The humble blueberry is Gods great gift to humanity, surpassing even the wonders of the cheeseburger. Blessed are we with blueberries, and blessed are we with the whipped cream to dollop on top of a fine piece of blueberry pie. A good piece of blueberry pie is a transcendent experience, and is a taste of what the Rapture must be like.

3. The Turtle blasphemes pumpkin pie. The Turtle obviously has been eating Sarah Lee frozen pumpkin pie, which is scraped off of Satan's taint, and mushed into a crust made of cardboard and Elmers Glue. Real honest-to-goodness homemade pumpkin pie, made from actual pumpkin, with a genuine crust, is only surpassed by the majesty of the aforementioned blueberry pie. Again, a dollop of whipped cream placed lovingly on the still slightly warm pumpkin custard completes the gastronomic tableau. Ah, such perfection!

4. As far as I'm concerned, cheesecake is just another form of custard pie. Plain unadorned cheesecake is like hot, sweaty, impromptu sex in the back of a van. You feel a little bad afterwards, but you jump at the chance for another piece.


Tim, we're from the south... We put Cool Whip on everything.... Hell, half of us can't even spell creme fraiche....


Apple is a classic. How can you go wrong with warm apple pie and a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side?

However, my personal favorite is peach. Mmmmm, peeeeach.
Dammit, now I won't rest tonight. Apparently I need to run to the store.


The Turtle blasphemes pumpkin pie


it always reminds me of those bad Charlie Brown cartoons.


Just so you all know, Keith is not just our resident roller coaster expert, but he is known in various circles as the World's Greatest Pie Expert.


it always reminds me of those bad Charlie Brown cartoons.

Sarah Lee is the work of the devil. Cast her from your life!


Sarah Lee is the work of the devil. Cast her from your life!

then where does Betty Cocker work into all this?


Well, since apple is taken...strawberry-rhubarb. Nothing beats that sweet tang.

See? It tastes AWESOME and sounds dirty. How can anything be better? (except of course Dutch Apple, but someone beat me to the apple, so...)



lemon/lime is not even fruit.

pecan pie is the only answer.


yes i do know that lemons and limes are considered fruit... i'm not that big of an idiot..

also, why won't this fucking thing remember my personal info... it's getting tedious being a comment stalker.




You are weird.


in the words of cullen:


i'll take that as a compliment.


Sorry Michelle, but cherry pie gets a big thumbs down.

When I was eight, I had Pneumonia and the medicine they gave me was fucking nasty. It was supposedly cherry-flavored, but it only had enough cherry taste to permanently turn me against anything even vaguely cherry.

As for Favorite Pie? Apple, Chocolate Mousse, Key Lime, Pumpkin, I'll take them all thank you.

Choice should never get in the way of gluttony.


Late to the pie war...

My favorite has always been strawberry-rhubarb pie. It's got the sweetness of the strawberries and the tangy tartness of the rhubarb. Only fresh-picked rhubarb will do...and none of that strawberry-flavored gelatin crap, either.

And, turtle, you can malign punkin pie all you want, but don't be trashing Charlie Brown. Them's fightin' words!


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