FTTW Fight Club
by Turtle Jones

So tonight we were inspired. All of us. We thought of an idea and before we talked about it Uber snagged it. This one is all uber's idea. So blame him if this all goes to hell.

We do know alot of you guys missed out on this because this was spur of the moment, but hey hell, it's FTTW.

What was the idea? Take one actor. Take two roles he played. Put them in a fight.

Who would win?

The Loud Pedal's Bob comes in.

David Hasselhoff

Baywatch vs. Knight Rider

This is a tough one.
A person might say that Michael Knight would be nothing without K.I.T.T., his trusty Trans Am sidekick, but what about Mitch Buchannon? He's got some issues with his hiring practices. Apparently, his staff is chosen on the basis of their flotation ability. I'm gonna have to go with Mitch. He surrounded himself with beautiful women and solved the crime before the authorities showed up. He was a surf bum. Michael Knight slept with his car and talked to his watch.

It's done. Mitch.

Baby Huey (Dishful of Metal) comes out punchingstreet_fight.jpg

Ed Norton

Derek Vinyard in American History X vs. The Narrator/Tyler Durden in Fight Club.

Come on dude. This a battle fucking royale for the ages. It's so hard I can't even call it. I'm giving the strength edge to Derek. However, The Narrator is balls-out batshit crazy, so I've got him winning this fight.

Uber is next on the card

Alan Rickman is an overall badass. However, he is the ultimate badass in four different films which would provide two great matchups.

1. Hans Gruber (Die Hard) vs. the Sheriff of Nottingham (Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves): Both heartless, both bent on death and power, both Alan Rickman. Gruber, though he was a mastermind of fiendish plots and had no sympathy for anyone, would lose in this matchup to the sadistic Sheriff's psychopathic need to cause pain. When someone wants to carve out your heart with a spoon to bring on the most pain possible, you know they are an ass kicking machine.

2. Metatron (Dogma) vs. Professor Severus Snape (Harry Potter): Though Snape is a badass who doesn't give a shit who he hurts or how he does it, Metatron, being an angel, wins by default, what with the whole God on his side thing (not to mention he could drink Snape under the table (I mean come on, tequila vs. butterbeer? Give me a break)). But you can bet, there would be a lot of sneering and eyebrow raising before things got really serious.

Ernie of The End Zone hits back

Michael Biehn

Corporal Duane Hicks (Aliens) vs Kyle Reese (The Terminator)

This is a tough matchup because both Corporal Hicks and Kyle Reese are two characters that are known to kick a lot of ass. Corporal Hicks went toe to toe with a whole space-station full of alien zenomorphs, but in the end he needed the rest of his space-marines, Ripley and an android to bail him out. Kyle Reese on the other hand does battle with a T-900, pretty much single-handedly, using nothing but a shotgun and some home-made explosives. Plus he had to drag a very naive and un-tough Sarah Connor around with him and protect her. Not an easy task. Yeah, Reese did not make it through the end of the film, but he still has it over Corporal Hicks in a fight.

Cullen (All about the guitar) puts his chin out

Lou Ferrigno

street2.jpg"The Hulk" vs. Lou Ferrigno circa "The King of Queens."

Do we really need to play this out? We all know Hulk Ferrigno would get
his ass handed to him. I mean, come one, it's a guy wearing make up.

The Pop Culturista ties the tape next

Pierce Brosnan

Remington Steele vs. The Matador, effete poseur vs. emotionally fractured contract killer.

Gee, hm. Who. Would. Win. RS wore three piece suits, even while chasing the bad guys. The Matador strolled nonchalantly through a hotel in a speedo, before taking a dip in the shark tank (sure, because he was blitzed but who's counting?). RS punched people, then grimaced prettily and shook his widdle hand. The Matador perforated marks with a high powered rifle, then decompressed in Tenderloin sex clubs. Sure, The Matador lost it in the end, had to be helped with his final job by everyman Greg Kinnear, but he got the job done, dammit, with style, flair and humor. RS spent multiple television years sniffing after Stephanie Zimbawhatsis until we all wanted to kill ourselves. Vive el Matador!

kali (screaming like a banshee) comes out kicking

milla jovavich

the fifth element versus joan of arc.

because, well, no matter who wins it'll be as hot as the ed norton fight. i do have to say, however, that especially being a french gal, her fashion sensibilities leave a little to be desired in the messenger. (i mean that hair!?!)

bitch can wield a weapon, though. and as long as she doesn't have too much plot-furthering dialogue i think she could take leeloo. unless joan's a dyke. in which case leeloo's gauze covered breasts could make her falter. just sayin'

that being said, alice could take 'em both out.

turtle burns down the house

Charles Ingalls vs. That angel guy on Highway to Heaven

So ok. Let's get this straight. Both of these shows basically had the same cast. I mean fuck, almost the same theory and motive behind it. Someone out teaching someone else how to do something right in their lives. So pitting them against each other is kinda like kicking drunken bums on the street. Just something to do when you are bored. But really dude. These two need to go at it. They need to fight. Lets's look at them both.

Charles Ingalls - Well, first of all he hasn't had sex in years. See that's a motivating factor in fighting. The less you get your knob gobbled, the angrier you get. So I give him that. And that's not a bad thing to have. Sexual frustartion works in so many ways.

The angel dude from Highway to Heaven - Well, this is a tough one. First of all he doesn't need sex. Second of all, we really don't know how he died. He could have went down with a bullet in his head after taking out an entire elementary school on some crazed PCP fueled, gun fired up freak out. So he might be in there.

As a professional sports writer, I am going to have to stick with my guts here. Charles Ingels in the third round. Charles will come out and see everyone cheering for him, confused and not in for a fight. The angel packed with more PCP then jesus will start swinging at him. But, the sex drive, or loss of will keep him down. Angels with no sex drive. No bueno. Plus they got that whole "turn the other cheek" shit going on.

I'm going to have to say the angel hits the mat in under nine minutes as Charles stands above the crowd still wondering why he was here and if he will ever get a blow job again.

Michele steps on the mat next

Clint Eastwood

Dirty Harry v. Philo Beddoe (Any Which Way But Loose)

Is it even a contest here? Seriously. The pre-fight conversation would go like this:street3.jpg

You are hanging around with fucking monkey? A primate? After all I went through to make us badass, you turn around and making a fucking buddy movie with an animal? A FUCKING MONKEY?

He's not a monkey. He's an orangutang. He's my buddy.

And then Dirty Harry takes out his .44 and points it at Philo. But first, he kills the god damn monkey. Orangutang. Whatever. Primate blood and brains everywhere. And then Dirty Harry kicks Philo's ass. Right before he blows a bullet through his head.

God, I hated those stupid monkey movies.

Shawna (FTTW Photography) puts on the foil

John Travolta

Vincent Vega (Pulp Fiction) verses Tony Manero (Saturday Night Fever)

Vincent may be a hit man who has no qualms about killing people for his boss, but Tony would win this fight. That disco dancing, along with "some" of that disco music, can kill off the best of them.

And there you go. The best that "Shawna, Who Never Watches Movies" can do.


So some of the writers of FTTW have picked their fights. Time to pick yours. What actor will you pit up against himself? First rule of FTTW Fight Club is....you talk about it. So tell us, who is gonna kick their own ass?


i'm not a professional sports writer either


Tom Selleck.

Magnum P.I. vs Jesse Stone.

No contest. Magnum was your fun loving mostly over Viet Nam vet.

Jesse Stone. Super badass, ex-NYC cop now living in a small town and battling alcoholism and memory demons.

Jesse Stone would simply shoot Magnum in the head and walk away into the mist.


Criminy... Where to start ?

Mila Jovovich - Alice vs. Ultraviolet ? (One word.. "Multipass")

Todanobu Asano - Zatôichi vs. Survive Style 5+ ? (Ronin against dissatisfied husband)

Katherine Hepburn - Bringing Up Baby vs. The Philadelphia Story ? (Like this is a contest)

Harrison Ford - Indiana Jones vs. Han Solo ? (I call this one a draw)


Nicolas Cage

Ben (drunk guy in Leaving Las Vegas) vs. Little Junior Brown (Kiss of Death)

Ben is this no-self-esteem having dude that is looking for death anyway. Just doesn't give a shit. Whilst Junior is a big, cut-up, dancer-benching, badass dude, who has this asthma thing and metalmouth phobia whatever. So I'm thinking Ben gets smashed in the face a couple of times because he's alot too drunk to put his hands up. But just then, he gets off a wildass haymaker to Junior's chest and that kinda just wipes him out. Ala Roy Jones (anyone see that one?).

For the coup de grace; Ben just happens to find an aluminum bat close by and we really find out how much Junoir don't like metal in his mouth. Sounds like fun.


Since this is late and I'm too lazy to write up a narrative on my lunch hour, I'm going to cheese out and post a not very thought provoking ten item list and leave it to you to determine who you think would win...

1. Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones vs. President Harrison Ford
2. John McClane vs. the Look Who's Talking baby
3. Eye Spy Bill Cosby vs. Picture Pages Bill Cosby vs. Dr. Theodore Huxtable
4. Work Out Video Jane Fonda vs. Barbarella
5. Electric Company's Dracula vs. Shawshank Redemption Prison Inmate Morgan Freeman
6. Geordi La Forge vs. Kunta Kinte
7. New Willy Wonka vs. Jack Sparrow
8. Woody vs. Forrest Gump
9. Darth Vader vs. King Mufasa
10. Terminator vs. Kindergarten Cop

And now back to work...

- Kory


Sorry to double post the Han Solo vs. Indiana Jones match up... :)

My money is on Han Solo, but it's close.


And one I thought of much too late and now I'm going to be late to work... :(

Iron Chef vs. Jesus Christ Superstar

- Kory


"2. John McClane vs. the Look Who's Talking baby"

That is inspired. I'd love to see that.


Which Iron Chef ? If it came down to a fight against a traveling musical company, I have to go with the Orginal cast. Chairman Kaga was crazy!


Someone on Iron Chef played JCS?


Yep. In 1976, Takeshi Kaga played Jesus in JCS....

Wiki for JCS, scroll down for Kaga


hey, my name isn't Jo.


That is totally my fault, Shawna. Fixing it now.


No problem Michele. This was a great idea, by the way!


mmmm han solo....


Pacino:Michael Corleno vs. Tony Montana
DeNiro: Travis Bickle vs. Don Corleon
Duval: Lieutenant Colonel Bull Meechum "The Great Santini" vs. Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore


Kevin Spacey: Seven guy v Kaiser Sozay (or however you spell it) - Kaiser wins hands down. Seven dude is mean and all, but he killed a fat guy, a socialite, a prostitute, a junkie, Gwyneth Paltrow, and himself. Gruesome work for sure, but not something that will win in a face-off. Kaiser, on the other hand, was a scrapper. No contest.


That was me. Sorry.


Captain Carl vs. Troy McClure
Pitting the great Phil Hartman against himself. I'd have to say Capt. Carl takes this. Troy McClure was an actor, and there was that fish thing.

Mr. Pink vs. Seymour
Yes, Steve Buscemi as either a criminal or a slightly odd guy that collects blues records (Ghost World.) I kind of lean toward Mr. Pink in this one.

Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez vs. James Bond
I did have to look on IMDB to find out that whole name, but it is a personal favorite Sean Connery role. Perhaps Bond can fight a little, and he does have the PPK and the gadgets, but Ramirez, that puffed up haggis, would easily defeat Bond. The whole immortal thing obviously comes into play, but even without the bonus material I give the match to Ramirez.


Well, if you're looking at Sean Connery...

Marko Ramius (Hunt for Red October) vs John Mason (The Rock)

Mason may have been superspy, trained in all that James Bond-style clandestine warfare, survived prison where he was the pansy english pantywaist, escaped from Alcatraz, swam with sharks, and basically kicked a bunch of green beret's asses singlehandedly, but Ramius had NUKES.

Oh, and he had balls enough to steal a nuclear submarine.


Hrm... another thought, actually a double-header starring Brad Pitt (who should have been a comedian, in my mind, not a serious actor).

Rusty Ryan (Ocean's Eleven) vs Mickey O'Neil (Snatch)

The absent-minded and madly-in-love master thief against a constantly-drunk Welsh bareknuckle boxer. Balance Rusty's professional speed and agility against the power of O'Neil's punch magnified by some whisky and Celtic rage. Once Mickey wore him down, Ryan goes down.

Achilles (Troy) vs John Smith (Mr. and Mrs. Smith)

The greatest warrior that ever lived against a seat-of-the-pants assassin who loves his job? A tough call here, unless Smith tries to launch an RPG at a certain ankle. If Angelina walks by the fight it could get ugly too, with one wanting to kill her and both wanting to jump her... my bet is on Smith, simply through superior firepower. A sword isn't of much use against the range of a machine gun.


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