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FTTW Fight Club
by Turtle Jones
So tonight we were inspired. All of us. We thought of an idea and before we talked about it Uber snagged it. This one is all uber's idea. So blame him if this all goes to hell.
We do know alot of you guys missed out on this because this was spur of the moment, but hey hell, it's FTTW.
What was the idea? Take one actor. Take two roles he played. Put them in a fight.
Who would win?
The Loud Pedal's Bob comes in.
Baywatch vs. Knight Rider
This is a tough one.
It's done. Mitch.
Baby Huey (Dishful of Metal) comes out punching
Derek Vinyard in American History X vs. The Narrator/Tyler Durden in Fight Club.
Come on dude. This a battle fucking royale for the ages. It's so hard I can't even call it. I'm giving the strength edge to Derek. However, The Narrator is balls-out batshit crazy, so I've got him winning this fight.
Uber is next on the card
Alan Rickman is an overall badass. However, he is the ultimate badass in four different films which would provide two great matchups.
1. Hans Gruber (Die Hard) vs. the Sheriff of Nottingham (Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves): Both heartless, both bent on death and power, both Alan Rickman. Gruber, though he was a mastermind of fiendish plots and had no sympathy for anyone, would lose in this matchup to the sadistic Sheriff's psychopathic need to cause pain. When someone wants to carve out your heart with a spoon to bring on the most pain possible, you know they are an ass kicking machine.
2. Metatron (Dogma) vs. Professor Severus Snape (Harry Potter): Though Snape is a badass who doesn't give a shit who he hurts or how he does it, Metatron, being an angel, wins by default, what with the whole God on his side thing (not to mention he could drink Snape under the table (I mean come on, tequila vs. butterbeer? Give me a break)). But you can bet, there would be a lot of sneering and eyebrow raising before things got really serious.
Ernie of The End Zone hits back
Corporal Duane Hicks (Aliens) vs Kyle Reese (The Terminator)
This is a tough matchup because both Corporal Hicks and Kyle Reese are two characters that are known to kick a lot of ass. Corporal Hicks went toe to toe with a whole space-station full of alien zenomorphs, but in the end he needed the rest of his space-marines, Ripley and an android to bail him out. Kyle Reese on the other hand does battle with a T-900, pretty much single-handedly, using nothing but a shotgun and some home-made explosives. Plus he had to drag a very naive and un-tough Sarah Connor around with him and protect her. Not an easy task. Yeah, Reese did not make it through the end of the film, but he still has it over Corporal Hicks in a fight.
Cullen (All about the guitar) puts his chin out
"The Hulk" vs. Lou Ferrigno circa "The King of Queens."
Do we really need to play this out? We all know Hulk Ferrigno would get
The Pop Culturista ties the tape next
Remington Steele vs. The Matador, effete poseur vs. emotionally fractured contract killer.
Gee, hm. Who. Would. Win. RS wore three piece suits, even while chasing the bad guys. The Matador strolled nonchalantly through a hotel in a speedo, before taking a dip in the shark tank (sure, because he was blitzed but who's counting?). RS punched people, then grimaced prettily and shook his widdle hand. The Matador perforated marks with a high powered rifle, then decompressed in Tenderloin sex clubs. Sure, The Matador lost it in the end, had to be helped with his final job by everyman Greg Kinnear, but he got the job done, dammit, with style, flair and humor. RS spent multiple television years sniffing after Stephanie Zimbawhatsis until we all wanted to kill ourselves. Vive el Matador!
kali (screaming like a banshee) comes out kicking
the fifth element versus joan of arc.
because, well, no matter who wins it'll be as hot as the ed norton fight. i do have to say, however, that especially being a french gal, her fashion sensibilities leave a little to be desired in the messenger. (i mean that hair!?!)
bitch can wield a weapon, though. and as long as she doesn't have too much plot-furthering dialogue i think she could take leeloo. unless joan's a dyke. in which case leeloo's gauze covered breasts could make her falter. just sayin'
that being said, alice could take 'em both out.
turtle burns down the house
Charles Ingalls vs. That angel guy on Highway to Heaven
So ok. Let's get this straight. Both of these shows basically had the same cast. I mean fuck, almost the same theory and motive behind it. Someone out teaching someone else how to do something right in their lives. So pitting them against each other is kinda like kicking drunken bums on the street. Just something to do when you are bored. But really dude. These two need to go at it. They need to fight. Lets's look at them both.
Charles Ingalls - Well, first of all he hasn't had sex in years. See that's a motivating factor in fighting. The less you get your knob gobbled, the angrier you get. So I give him that. And that's not a bad thing to have. Sexual frustartion works in so many ways.
The angel dude from Highway to Heaven - Well, this is a tough one. First of all he doesn't need sex. Second of all, we really don't know how he died. He could have went down with a bullet in his head after taking out an entire elementary school on some crazed PCP fueled, gun fired up freak out. So he might be in there.
As a professional sports writer, I am going to have to stick with my guts here. Charles Ingels in the third round. Charles will come out and see everyone cheering for him, confused and not in for a fight. The angel packed with more PCP then jesus will start swinging at him. But, the sex drive, or loss of will keep him down. Angels with no sex drive. No bueno. Plus they got that whole "turn the other cheek" shit going on.
I'm going to have to say the angel hits the mat in under nine minutes as Charles stands above the crowd still wondering why he was here and if he will ever get a blow job again.
Michele steps on the mat next
Dirty Harry v. Philo Beddoe (Any Which Way But Loose)
Is it even a contest here? Seriously. The pre-fight conversation would go like this:
You are hanging around with fucking monkey? A primate? After all I went through to make us badass, you turn around and making a fucking buddy movie with an animal? A FUCKING MONKEY?
He's not a monkey. He's an orangutang. He's my buddy.
And then Dirty Harry takes out his .44 and points it at Philo. But first, he kills the god damn monkey. Orangutang. Whatever. Primate blood and brains everywhere. And then Dirty Harry kicks Philo's ass. Right before he blows a bullet through his head.
God, I hated those stupid monkey movies.
Shawna (FTTW Photography) puts on the foil
Vincent Vega (Pulp Fiction) verses Tony Manero (Saturday Night Fever)
Vincent may be a hit man who has no qualms about killing people for his boss, but Tony would win this fight. That disco dancing, along with "some" of that disco music, can kill off the best of them.
And there you go. The best that "Shawna, Who Never Watches Movies" can do.
So some of the writers of FTTW have picked their fights. Time to pick yours. What actor will you pit up against himself? First rule of FTTW Fight Club is....you talk about it. So tell us, who is gonna kick their own ass?