Yo Ho Hos!
by Turtle Jones
Talk like a pirate day.
Honestly, after a couple of years of doing this, it got tiresome. There’s only so many times you can tell the pirate movie joke. Only so many times you can say ‘arrrrrrrrrr’ before someone shoves their fist in your face. Only so many times you can dress like a wench to try to earn some extra cash. Five. Five times before they catch on that you’re not a real wench, in case you were wondering.
But still, we’re gonna talk about pirates. Why? Because someone asked us to. And we give you what you want. Within reason. Don’t ask for something like six extra inches on your penis, because everyone knows that you can only get that through email.
michele walks the plank:
Pirates. I was trying to think of what to write here. Pirate movies! But you know, there just aren’t a lot of good pirate movies. Sure, there’s Ice Pirates but I happen to know that Turtle is going to mention it, so I don’t want to do that.
Oh! Speaking of pirates and movies! Once I had this idea. To make the perfect movie. To take all the elements of every cool movie and throw them together in one glorious cinematic experience. And it all started with pirates. See, pirates are the ultimate in cool. They get to say things like “booty” and drink rum all day long and have loose women with big tits serve them beer and make people walk the plank. Yo ho ho, it’s a pirate’s life for me!
And maybe, just maybe there are also zombies. Because you can’t have a cool movie without zombies. The zombies appear after the ninjas jump out of the rum barrels, right while the pirates are doing their moonlight dance of debauchery on the poop deck. And just when you think it couldn’t get any crazier, the aliens land.
So we have pirates, ninjas, zombies and aliens. What else do we need?
Mimes! We need mimes! Because the pirates and ninjas and zombies and aliens all need a common enemy so they can join forces and eventually have a big ceremony at the end where they thank each other for their help in overcoming the intergalactic, transnational problem of mimes. They have lots of rum and beer and brain sandwiches served by wenches and sing songs of the seven seas that the pirates teach everyone. Because they’d like to teach the world to sing. In perfect harmony. See, pirates aren’t so bad after all.
It all started with this dude named Scott.
Scott sends me to a flat in London.
What a bloody mess. Smashed rum bottles, cracker crumbs, a shelf with a slew of books. I pull a book out at random. It’s dirty with blood. The cover says something about the magic word being "Yoohoo!" Oh. Wait. Yoho. Not Yoohoo.
Pirates. I should have known. Damn you, Scott.
Against my better judgment, I say it. Cause it’s like watching Candyman and the knowing that you are damn well gonna go look in the mirror after and start chanting his name. So I say it. What the hell? I’m on a beach and, shit. There’s a pirate ship. Well fuck me.
I know that somewhere between the stinking pirates and buried treasure there’s going to be a dark cave.
I’m likely to be eaten by a grue.
Fucking pirates. -M
turtle sails the high seas!!!
Really? International Talk Like A Pirate Day? What the hell is this?
Really, I have as much experience in this as I do inserting tampons. Into girls that is. I can do it to myself with a pen and some lube but for girls? Hell, why do you think I subscribe to "Menstruation Monthly?" If I have a fetish, I need a fix.
I always hate chicks saying, "Oh, I'm so horny" when they are bleeding. Sure. I'll fuck you. But, the next time I want chocolate cookies at night, you know I'm gonna pull this out of the "Turtle Favor Bag."
"Man, I could go for some cookies."
"Well, it is getting late."
"Really. That late? Blood. Covering my cock. Girl. Having an orgasm. Remember that? Looks like you have a date with the Pillsbury Doughboy."
Pretty straight forward when it comes to that. Hell, girls on their period save me money on lube, so why the fuck should I care? More money in the turtles’ pocket means extra peppers on that next slice of pizza.
And bloody sex is a small trade off for extra peppers.
Where was I at.....
Pirates! Arg and all that shit. Honestly we kinda let this one go as we felt like tonight. Last time I saw a pirate was some bad LSD trip, but I also saw a giant penis walking around with a string on it that said "pull me" so who the fuck knows what I saw that night. All I was know there were pirates. I've discussed Captain Saber Tooth before, and if you haven't read those stories, refer to the Underground. But, pirates, or Pirates...do I capitalize that? It's like spitting or swallowing. I don't really care whet you so as long as you don't try to kiss me after my man mustard is dribbling out of your mouth. Wear a fucking eye patch for all I care.
I'll board your ship and make you walk my plank.
So I guess this post has more turned into sex and pirates. I mean really. Think about it. The cabin boy wasn't around for nothing. No. The cabin boy was boarded at all times, matey! Avast ye matey! In fact my running theory is that all pirates were homosexuals with swords. Which is a pretty scary thing if you think about it. Richard Simmons running down the street with an eye patch and a sword.
Fucking nightmare scenario right there.
So let's see where we are at.
Gay pirates and menstruation.
I think there is a Gay Pirate convention this week.
If the Trekkies can have one...
The gay pirates who are menstruating can have one too.
It's a free country.
arggg! - T
So as you can see, there is not really a whole lot to talk about here. Pirates and talkng like them. But really, if you think about it, weren't most of them like Spanish or something?
Wouldn't that be "Yo quiero gold, matey?"
So this is the deal.
Tell us about your best pirate experience, and yes, we will even allow in Star Trek Convention experiences?
*Cue the ladies with the Johnny Depp things......
Vandals - Pirate's Life