space sex: the final frontier
by Michele Christopher
We were looking for something to write about today. Sometimes you have those days where nothing hits you right. So I asked a friend for an idea. He says “Hey, it’s the 40th birthday of Star Trek.” God bless his geeky little heart. Ok, fine. Star Trek turns 40. We’ll write about that.
Except we both hated Star Trek.
Well, ok. We’ll write about that. Turtle just asked me if Ricardo Montelban is dead. No idea. Ask me if he’s macho, though. Ricardo Mantelban es muy macho, si, pero Mistah Roarke canceles out-a Khan. Pero Desi Arnez con "Babbaloo" est immortales! Desi Arnez es macho muy bien! Desi Arnez est mas macho. Si, si, Desi Arnez. Nexte questione!
Anyhow. Happy Birthday Star Trek. Here’s our ode to you. Kind of.
Michele climbs aboard the Enterprise:
My mother forced us to watch this show. Not in its original run, but later on, in reruns. They were on at dinner time and we’d have the little tv in front of the table and every night we’d be subjected to Captain Kirk trying to stick his dick in some alien chick while we choked down our Salisbury steak. Sometimes it would be wrapped around a pickle. The steak, not Captain Kirk’s dick. Mom was weird with food, but not that weird.
I just couldn’t get into the show. No matter how much my mom tried to turn us all into Trekkies, we weren’t having any of it. Instead, the rest of the family spent dinner making fun of the show while mom kept telling us to shut up because Spock was saying something really deep and meaningful.
It’s not that I didn’t like sci-fi. I watched the Outer Limits and Twilight Zone and mom and I read a bunch of H.G. Wells books together. It's just....well, you know that one Star Trek episode? That one where they find a distant planet and they go explore it and they run into trouble and James T. falls in love and Spock is all "let's think logically here" and they narrowly avoid dying in outer space and if not for the courage of the fearless crew the Enterprise would be lost? Yea, that one. Face it, the show was as redundant as playing with Barbie dolls. No matter how many different dresses you put on Ken or how many ways you got Barbie's legs up in the air, it was just the same thing every day.
Besides, I’m a Star Wars geek. I can’t like Star Trek. It’s in the Code of Honor or something. It’s like a Yankee fan being a Met fan, too. You can’t do that. It’s just not right. You need to choose one or the other. I chose Star Wars. My mother just didn’t get it. Why? She would cry. Why have you forsaken me? She would come into my room and just start talking about Klingon and Spock ears and living long and prospering. She’d try to entice me with technical details about the Enterprise. I’d laugh. Come on, mom. I’ve got Tie Fighters. The Death Star. Yoda. AT-AT Walkers. Boba Fett. Chewie. Stormtroopers. Han Fucking Solo. Ok, ok, I have the god damn stupid ewoks but that’s nothing compared to tribbles.
And let’s face it, even when a Star Wars convention is at its geekiest, it still remains about 800% cooler than a Star Trek convention. Some chick dressed up as Princess Leia in a slave outfit v. some polyester uniform wearing guy with huge man boobs spreading his fingers? We. Win.
Anyhow. I was supposed to be talking about how much I hate Star Trek.
James T. Kirk was a manwhore. Seriously. What kind of example was he setting for the youth of America. Han Solo, he only fucked one chick. He was loyal and practiced monagamous, safe sex. Star Trek should have done a Very Special Episode at the end and had Kirk's dick fall off due to some alien sexually transmitted disease and a hundred strange looking females knocking on his door looking for their baby’s daddy. He’d be dickless and broke thanks to paternity suits. Lesson learned, kids. When exploring the final frontier, keep your dick in your pants.
I hate Star Trek. -M
Beam me up, Turtle
Oh. We aren't gonna make a lot of new friends on here today. I've been working on parts of cars and fucking around with all of this stuff lately on FTTW that I haven't really had time to go into any thought process of where to go with an idea much less if I want to write it. Shit, last night Michele put new cartoons in and I put in three stories. Plus she did her own story and I did the new Underground for Monday morning.
So some days, watching TV is all you want to do. So Michele told me that it was the anniversary of some show that I used to watch when, well hell, watch when nothing else was on. I would stare at this show and wonder how it got this huge fan base, huge conventions and why Kirk always got to fuck the cool aliens. 30 years ago he was screwing green broads? Nowadays, that would be called "screwing someone with Hep-C." I mean they went out of their way to have every race on this show. Every one was included. I didn't think they knew what they were getting when the hired Sulu. I think they just wanted an Asian guy but ended up getting a flaming homosexual Asian guy.
Gay Asians are funny. And they can cook!
So what have we got here? A drunk Scottish Engineer. Some way too over serious doctor who people call "bones" which in my opinion would be like calling me "Superstar Porn Action Man." I mean people know what you do, why do they have to make you a nickname on your job? What else did we have? We already talked about Sulu. He just lit on fire when he took his shirt off. There was some kid on there from another country. Can't remember his name. He had a yellow shirt thou. That means he wasn't gonna die. The black chick with the weird thing in her ear and Spock. Mr. Spock. He could "Spock" you. He was just always entertaining. I loved the Vulcan mind meld. That was fucking like Shakespeare. "I feel pain! My babies! I feel pain!" Much Like "Romeo and Juliet", Mr. Spock told the truth and was an incredible thespian. Thank god he went on to make "In Search Of" or my early 80's Saturday mornings would have been filled with things like playing sports or getting laid. But Mr. Spock! In search of something! I can't mow the lawn today, mom! Mr. Spock might find some secret Aztec treasure hidden in Europe protected by those statues from Easter Island! I have to watch! Lawns can wait! Zulu warriors and Spock finding them couldn't wait! You fool! I need to watch this!
What the hell was I talking about?
The only remaining thing about that show was one man who made it the greatest event ever. The man of mystery. The man of confusion, guilt, charms that could peel the panties off a sober woman coming out of an abortion clinic and get her legs into the air in the back seat of his car within five minutes, pounding her down with his Spanish lust.
That's right. You know whom I am talking about.
Mr. Ricardo Montalban.
I will tell you, I kinda wanted to do this post because of a rumor he was dead and as you all know, I hate writing obituaries on these damn sites, but somehow I am always the one writing them or giving the eulogy at the funerals. I am getting tired of that, so I started thinking about a world without Mr. Ricardo Montalban. No Mr. "whateverthefuckhisnamewas" on Fantasy island. No Tattoo. No midget calling someone "Boss" putting little people back in the discriminatory stages about 50 years. No weird ass fantasies with half ass would be porn stars. This was the primer for Beverley Hills 90120, Melrose Place and even American Idol. This was all because of a cool guy with a plan to conquer the world. With a bunch of broads in tow. Anyone else notice that he was like the only guy with a planet full of hot chicks? Kinda like an Mormon but one that smokes cigars.
If that episode didn't inspire Jim Jones, I don't know what did. Hell, after I watched it, started cutting my pubic hairs and placing them in a dish.
Sure. He failed on Star Trek, but fuck man, he ended up with his own personal island and a midget as his errand boy. An island that people came to for virtual LSD trip.
And all he had to do was wear his white suit and smoke his cigars.
And get laid.
Fuck Star Trek 2: The Wraith of Khan.
It should have be named Star Trek 2: Kahn Gets His Own Drug Induced Island With A Midget Who Tells Him When the Plane Comes - T
So that's it! Welcome to the day that makes some people hide and other people happy. Masturbation for TV shows or just smoking another cigar day.
For me it is just Friday.
So maybe I'm doing both.
Do you have a favorite Star Trek episode? Or are you more of a Star Wars geek? Choose your sides, guys.