Stupidest Lyrics Challenge - Big in Japan
by Turtle Jones

We have been challenged.

Dean Esmay posts today about the Most Vapid Rock Song Ever, and in the process calls us pansies and poseurs. I know bait when I see it. And we took it.

First, Dean - Smoke on the Water? Vapid? Come on, dude. It tells a great story. It’s total rock and roll attitude. Your place gets fucked up, you move on and find somewhere else to rock out. Rock and Roll never gives up, man!
It’s pretty easy to find stupid rock lyrics. One really needs look no further than Come as You Are for some of the stupidest lyrics in existence. But vapid is a whole other plane of stupid. Vapid is like, hmmm....empty calories.

You want vapid? Me and Turtle got it.

Michele gets stupid first:

Empty calories. Like.....sugar. As in:

Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar on Me

Oh yea. I win. Hands down.

Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on
Livin' like a lover with a radar phone
Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man?
Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light
Television lover, baby, go all night
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah

Yea dude. That’s what I’m talking about. Television lover? Razzle n Dazzle? Sugar me sweet? What the hell is going on here? Are you making dessert?

Oh it gets better. And you know what the worst part is? I love this fucking song. I blast it in the car. I remember one night pulling into 7-11 with this shit cranking and I was singing real loud

You got the peaches, I got the cream
Sweet to taste, saccharine
'Cos I'm hot, say what, sticky sweet
From my head, my head, to my feet

There were people in the parking lot. They just kinda looked at me. The look usually reserved for some guy in an Firebird who is rocking out to Journey. And I thought to myself, what the fuck am I singing? Sacharine? I’m sorry, but no self respecting rock song should have the word “saccharine” in it.

Do you take sugar? One lump or two?

Dude. That has to be the worst line in the history of all of rock and roll. Ever. Any time. I win.

I sat in the parking lot being stared at and I thought about the lyrics for the first time. And laughed. I laughed as I got out of the car and I giggled while I got my coffee and I’m standing there staring at the piles of sugar on the counter and I laugh out loud. I can’t help it.

And if I don't win for the song I at least win for what happened to me as I was standing there looking at the sugar. You know what's really awkward? When you look up and see someone that looks really familiar, but you can't place him, and then you're both standing by the coffee machine, contemplating the cup sizes, and suddenly it hits you that you are standing next to the guy gave your first, sloppy handjob to in 7th grade in the closet at Becky's party, with Zeppelin's No Quarter on the stereo. And you run out of the store as your finally remember why that song always makes you feel vaguely ill. That's awkward. And it got me thinking about Led Zeppelin instead of Def Leppard.

Stairway to Heaven. Oh yea, I'm calling that classic song vapid. Hell, more than half of Zep’s catalog is vapidness at it’s worst. No Quarter. Dazed and Confused. Ramble On. Misty Mountain Hop. Literary-inspired vapidness.

But nothing beats saccharine.

Not even pretentious songs about Gollum. -M

and special props to anyone who gets the connection between the pic and my post

turtle gets big in Japan

and in the process calls us pansies and poseurs

Turtle reads this and puts out his fourth cigar of the day before tossing his German shepherd out to attack random kids while putting on a new promo of Fu Manchu.

I am punker than thou.

No, really. I do smoke too much and that is an issue between the Michele and myself, but that's another story for another time.

Most vapid song?

Godzilla - Blue Oyster Cult/Soft White Underbelly/Whateverthefuckwewanttocallourselvesthisweek

Jesus. Sure the song rocks, but it's about Godzilla destroying Japan. No hidden messages here. Just destroying Japan. Whatever drugs they were taking back then, get me in on some of those, cause every time I watch a Godzilla movie I end up more confused than a Mormon preacher exploring a new town for the first time on Gay Pride Weekend.

Don't we just wait for the big guys to kill each other? Although it is funny as hell to watch the little tanks get destroyed. Godzilla just stepping on them and moving on. That's funny shit. Comedy gold right there. I think Godzilla redefined and reinvigorated the Japanese steel mining industry cause of his nasty habit of crushing tanks and buildings when he was bored. I swear, Godzilla must have kept the Japanese economy going. Godzilla2000-16.jpg

"Godzilla Fucked Us Up Again, Inc."

Help Wanted. Apply Inside

Drink some beers and watch those movies enough times and you will have a set of toy tanks on your carpet. I used to step on those when I came home from having tied one too many on. You can feel his power and rage as you see all these little tanks over your floor and you just step on them to get to the bathroom for the Godzilla Piss part of the movie then the Godzilla Passes Out On The Floor part.

Then of course the Godzilla Tries To Remember What Happened Last Night part of the movie.

I'm telling you, these movies were ahead of their time.

It also helps to have an Asian girl sitting on your couch with a WWII helmet pointing at you screaming while you crush the little tanks. But that's not necessary. It just makes it funny. Hell, maybe Mothra can come in and bring you more beer after two in the morning. And by "Mothra" I mean "Bob", your next door neighbor with a drinking problem.

The hell if I know.

Where the hell was I at?

Oh yeah.

Vapid songs.

Godzilla. A song that was just about some movie series that meant nothing. Maybe BOC hated Japan when they wrote this. Maybe there was some deep meaning to this. Maybe I missed something here.

Cause let's face it….

Japanese automobiles sucked in the 60's. - T

Blue Oyster Cult - Godzilla

So these were our choices for the most vapid songs we had. We limited it to "classic" songs, but hell, you guys can go anywhere. We made our decisions. What are yours? And saying "Cherry Pie" by that one hair band didn't really work for us.

Cause every one knows. Apple pie is the best.

So these are ours.

What are yours?


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I'm really disappointed BOC never followed that song up with one about Mothra.

Mothra is, by far, the most underrated of Japanese movie monsters.


Mothra is, by far, the most underrated of Japanese movie monsters.

I always liked The Bukkake Team vs Whorezilla better

or maybe that's a different movie.....


While I still believe My Sharona is pretty vapid, I ammended my entry at Dean's and have decided that any Beck song wins most vapid.


I'm convinced that most of that garbled English spam I get was written by Beck.


Most vapid, stupidest, lamest... choose your negative adjective- "Sweet Home Alabama". "Freebird" right up it's ass.


While we are bagging on southern rock, does anyone else think The Devil Went Down to Georgia is one of the lamest songs ever?


I have the master of all of them. Life's Been Good by Joe Walsh. You can tell me it's satire, but the Eagles were pure asshole evil.


I don't share the anti-Southern Rock sentiment. I do have a deep hatred for both Sweet Home Alabama and Freebird, but that has nothing to do with Skynyrd.


The ol' gulf coast anthems huh Cullen? Still here, still have to deal with em.

Also, that Esmay dude dissed Thin Lizzy and you guys? Not cool.


Life's Been Good by Joe Walsh

You nailed it. That song is downright insipid.


Down there a couple of months ago, Tim. Amazed to see how much things have come along.


But.... He's a Puma....

I can't believe no one brought up "School" by Nirvana... Great song, but no great lyrical shakes there....

And Skynnard has always sucked....


Biloxi's still pretty messy and the worst part is I have to go all the way there to get comic books. There are two shops within 10 miles of eachother there and the one that was in my town closed up and left.


I don't have the anti-southern rock thing goin on, really. I just think those two songs are retarded.


I'm not really anti southern rock. The Outlaws ruled. And Molly Hatchet! Flirting With Diaster!


i still like "working for mca" by skynard and "flirting with disaster" by molly hatchet

that's my sticking up for the south

don't push me any more or i'll start my rants about freebird and how bad that sucks


Tim, tell me you go to Diversions.

That was my shop when I was pre-16. Back when I was going there it was still a Zacchi's shop. She renamed it (held a contest and everything). I still stop by the shop whenever I'm down there.

My father in law lives down the street behind Action Island Comics. Literally. Baker Street's right behind there. He lives in a mobile home back there (the nicest one in the park) and he refused to leave the coast during the storm. Being there, you know how crazy that is. They received no damage -- amazingly.

Anyway, I hope you go to Diversions because it rocks. Or rocked, at least. Do you know if Dream Weaver's Guild still exists in Long Beach?


Anything by Staind. That guy needs to be put out of his misery, maybe he should take Nickelback with him.


Garbled lyrics are ok- don't forget Strawberry Letter 23. We share a love for that!


Oh yea, that song RULES!

I owe you an email, too!


Cullen, a few years ago Diversions and Jak's right next to it were many a day spent playing uh... Yu-Gi-Oh. Ha ha. Played at Jak's, bought cards at Diversions. That place has the coolest stuff in the world. I got all my Robotech toys from there.

Currently I buy my comics from Action Island but they don't give you bags to put them in. Does Diversions do that? If they do I will be heading back there.


Well, what do you expect from a song about masturbation?


Jay! Hey!

Yea, I've heard that the song was about masturbation.

I do NOT want to know where "lumps" comes into play there.


Oh what no one got that reference to the Bugs Bunny episode with the "One lump or two *HIT WITH A HAMMER*"?


Yay tim!

"I'll have tea. Coffee gives me a headache.."


Although many of the suggestions work, they at least are all better than the following:

Love In An Elevator - Aerosmith

"Love in an elevator
Livin it up when I'm goin down
Love in an elevator
Lovin it up till I hit the ground
In teh air, in the air, honey one more time now it ain't fair"
and the fantastic last line
"I'll chase you all the way to stairway, honey
Kiss your sassafrass"


Although this song has this killer riff thing going.....I would have to throw 'Black Betty' into the mix here


I think I have a winner.

Dilana Smith (the one currently on Rock Star Supernova) and her ridiculous song "Breakfast in Central Park"

All the nightbirds gather on Houston & Bleecker
Celluar phones, pagers & beepers
They go yeah, life’s a party you know
So bring your dry martinis your Liz Claiborne specs
Your Dolce & Gabbana your buds & your Becks
And go yea, lets’s get this show on the road
So go up to 57th to Central Park West
Put on your skates & a see-through dress
Like a Village reject with Manhattan class
Now get out of the powder room girl
And show me some New York ass!

It goes on and on. You can see the rest of this crapfest here(pops), and see the lyrics she wrote on the show in week 8...which may be worse, actually.


Vapid. Umm, Kids did everyone forget pretty much every song by Poison? Yeah, thats right, Poison should beat all of these with little to no questions. Who would even bother trying to defend them?


You have a problem with Talk Dirty to Me??

Cause baby well be
At the drive-in
In the old mans ford
Behind the bushes
Till Im screamin for more
Down the basement
Lock the cellar door
And baby
Talk dirty to me



not rock, more new wave and pop, but very very vapid.

Amadeus - FALCO

Wild Wild West - The Escape Club

Life is A Highway - Tom Cochran

and of course... Da Da Da - Trio


Len "Steal my sunshine"

My sticky paws were into making straws out of big fat slurpy treats
An incredible eight foot heap
Now the funny glare to pay a gleaming tear in a staring under heat
Involved an under usual feat
And i'm not only among but i invite who i want to come
So i missed a million miles of fun

let's lay of the cocaine there, girl


I have got to nominate just about any Primus song. Vapid as hell. And I have to defend Black Betty - it's an old marching song about a gun, so it makes a little more sense in that light I think.


i'm officially mad at thefinn and josh.

school=poignant NOT vapid


hate you both.

michele totally wins but rough boy by zztop should get a mention

What in the worlds come all over me?

I aint got a chance of one in three.
Aint got no rap, aint got no line
But if youll give me just a minute Ill be feelin fine.

I am the one who can fade the heat,
The one they all say just cant be beat.
Ill shoot it to you straight and look you in the eye.
So gimme just a minute and Ill tell you why
Im a rough boy, Im a rough boy.

I dont care how you look at me
Because Im the one and you will see
We can make it work, we can make it by.
So give me one more minute and Ill tell you why
Im a rough boy, Im a rough boy.

um... ya -- go get'em tiger...

wait... did i just show my age?


I gotta go with 'All I wanna do is have some fun' by Sheryl Crow.


Staic X: Bled for days

It's Meaningless
I Take The Hold
It's Mindlessness
I Bled For Days
Get To The Race
The Healing Of It Fucking
With Conceal
The Scab You Don't Want To Show
Into The Hate
I Channel All The Negative And
I Bled For Days Now
I Take The Hold
I Don't Believe It
Fuck Me, Read Me, Get Me
(Bled For Days)
Smile On My Rage I'm
Scarred By Age, I Bled
(Bled For Days)
It's Uselessness
I Make Weapons
Take The Hold

Yeah... When you listen it is like, "I have no clue what the hell he just said, but it totally kicked ass."

I also have to defend Primus. They kick ass... I mean who else could write a song about going to the DMV (pops)and make it sound good?


Ok, if you want to do Static X, go no further than Love Dump.

[i can't believe i'm letting you do this to me]
[i can't believe i'm letting you do this to me]

hand me a line
really hand me a line
really hand me a line
hand me a line
really hand it to me

i've always loved you
love dumpling
your shit's like chocolate cake and
your ass smells like a rose

i really hate you
love dumpling
now my bowels ache

[i can't believe i'm letting you do this to me]

drop down in a line
really hand me a line
really hand me a line
hand me a line
really hand it to me

That first Static X album kicked ass.


Oh, Primus is great. I don't knock them on that account. And I laugh my ass off to most of their stuff. But I had always defined vapid as simply meaningless. And they corner the market on that. But I'm an idiot. I withdraw my nomination for Primus.


Okay... Since I'm pissing people off....

"School" rocks... Don't get me wrong, I love the song (and apparently I rhyme...).... But the lyrics are retarded....

And I like Primus... I fucking love Tim Alexander in the most heterosexual, "fuck me, he's a good drummer" way..... But the lyrics are stupid.... With Primus, it was never about the lyrics anyway.....

And sense I'm pissing people off... I'd like to nominate anything that's ever come off a Dashboard Cofessional album....


ok josh AND finn both back on my to do list...

(just kidding dynamine and mrs. josh)


Anything by Tin Machine or The Firm, with the exception of "Satisfaction Guaranteed".

Almost twenty years later and I still want my money back.


Lawyers in Love by Chris Cross Jackson Browne is the most insipid, meaningless song there is. I heard an interview with him once where he said, "It doesn't mean anything. It's just a song".

Last night I watched the news from Washington, the capitol
The Russians escaped while we weren't watching them, like Russians will
Now we've got all this room, we've even got the moon
And I hear the U.S.S.R. will be open soon
As vacation land for lawyers in love

Those are the lyrics that make the most sense.


So how about them Beatles? I am the freakin Walrus? Or anything Yoko Ono has done?


Anything by Coldplay...


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