Stupidest Lyrics Challenge - Big in Japan
by Turtle Jones
We have been challenged.
Dean Esmay posts today about the Most Vapid Rock Song Ever, and in the process calls us pansies and poseurs. I know bait when I see it. And we took it.
First, Dean - Smoke on the Water? Vapid? Come on, dude. It tells a great story. It’s total rock and roll attitude. Your place gets fucked up, you move on and find somewhere else to rock out. Rock and Roll never gives up, man!
You want vapid? Me and Turtle got it.
Michele gets stupid first:
Empty calories. Like.....sugar. As in:
Def Leppard - Pour Some Sugar on Me
Oh yea. I win. Hands down.
Love is like a bomb, baby, c'mon get it on
Yea dude. That’s what I’m talking about. Television lover? Razzle n Dazzle? Sugar me sweet? What the hell is going on here? Are you making dessert?
There were people in the parking lot. They just kinda looked at me. The look usually reserved for some guy in an Firebird who is rocking out to Journey. And I thought to myself, what the fuck am I singing? Sacharine? I’m sorry, but no self respecting rock song should have the word “saccharine” in it.
Do you take sugar? One lump or two?
Dude. That has to be the worst line in the history of all of rock and roll. Ever. Any time. I win.
I sat in the parking lot being stared at and I thought about the lyrics for the first time. And laughed. I laughed as I got out of the car and I giggled while I got my coffee and I’m standing there staring at the piles of sugar on the counter and I laugh out loud. I can’t help it.
And if I don't win for the song I at least win for what happened to me as I was standing there looking at the sugar. You know what's really awkward? When you look up and see someone that looks really familiar, but you can't place him, and then you're both standing by the coffee machine, contemplating the cup sizes, and suddenly it hits you that you are standing next to the guy gave your first, sloppy handjob to in 7th grade in the closet at Becky's party, with Zeppelin's No Quarter on the stereo. And you run out of the store as your finally remember why that song always makes you feel vaguely ill. That's awkward. And it got me thinking about Led Zeppelin instead of Def Leppard.
Stairway to Heaven. Oh yea, I'm calling that classic song vapid. Hell, more than half of Zep’s catalog is vapidness at it’s worst. No Quarter. Dazed and Confused. Ramble On. Misty Mountain Hop. Literary-inspired vapidness.
But nothing beats saccharine.
Not even pretentious songs about Gollum. -M
turtle gets big in Japan
and in the process calls us pansies and poseurs
Turtle reads this and puts out his fourth cigar of the day before tossing his German shepherd out to attack random kids while putting on a new promo of Fu Manchu.
I am punker than thou.
No, really. I do smoke too much and that is an issue between the Michele and myself, but that's another story for another time.
Most vapid song?
Godzilla - Blue Oyster Cult/Soft White Underbelly/Whateverthefuckwewanttocallourselvesthisweek
Jesus. Sure the song rocks, but it's about Godzilla destroying Japan. No hidden messages here. Just destroying Japan. Whatever drugs they were taking back then, get me in on some of those, cause every time I watch a Godzilla movie I end up more confused than a Mormon preacher exploring a new town for the first time on Gay Pride Weekend.
Don't we just wait for the big guys to kill each other? Although it is funny as hell to watch the little tanks get destroyed. Godzilla just stepping on them and moving on. That's funny shit. Comedy gold right there. I think Godzilla redefined and reinvigorated the Japanese steel mining industry cause of his nasty habit of crushing tanks and buildings when he was bored. I swear, Godzilla must have kept the Japanese economy going.
"Godzilla Fucked Us Up Again, Inc."
Help Wanted. Apply Inside
Drink some beers and watch those movies enough times and you will have a set of toy tanks on your carpet. I used to step on those when I came home from having tied one too many on. You can feel his power and rage as you see all these little tanks over your floor and you just step on them to get to the bathroom for the Godzilla Piss part of the movie then the Godzilla Passes Out On The Floor part.
Then of course the Godzilla Tries To Remember What Happened Last Night part of the movie.
I'm telling you, these movies were ahead of their time.
It also helps to have an Asian girl sitting on your couch with a WWII helmet pointing at you screaming while you crush the little tanks. But that's not necessary. It just makes it funny. Hell, maybe Mothra can come in and bring you more beer after two in the morning. And by "Mothra" I mean "Bob", your next door neighbor with a drinking problem.
The hell if I know.
Where the hell was I at?
Godzilla. A song that was just about some movie series that meant nothing. Maybe BOC hated Japan when they wrote this. Maybe there was some deep meaning to this. Maybe I missed something here.
Cause let's face it….
Japanese automobiles sucked in the 60's. - T
Blue Oyster Cult - Godzilla
Cause every one knows. Apple pie is the best.
So these are ours.
What are yours?