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The Cemeteries Are Full Of Dimwits by Dan Greene
Stupidity isn’t always completely necessary in a horror movie, but it helps explain a lot of situations and it definitely helps the body count. I don’t only love the idiots that die in the movie, it’s the idiots who die before the movie even starts. They’re usually necessary. Those legions of undead have to come from somewhere. The legions of undead are full of idiots who didn’t have the sense to get away. Shit should never have turned out like this… those stupid fucking people…. Jesus, just walk away, just walk. That’s why it’s so satisfying when they get ripped apart or shot in the head. If they’re dumb then it just feels better. Take that Hare Krishna guy in the original Dawn Of The Dead. They don’t show his history but you know how he bought it. He walked up to someone and said “Love Will Overcome All” or “A Small Donation Will Set You Free.” The point is that he probably walked up to someone. Rama Mageesh promised him eternity but now he gets to crave human flesh until his own flesh rots away. Everyone knows this guy. And of the four main characters in Dawn Of The Dead, who bought it? The stupid ones. The flyboy, Steven, jumped at every opportunity to act like an idiot, and I’m surprised he lasted as long as he did. Fucking dolt. That other guy, the cop, well he lost it at a crucial moment and he paid for it. It’s truly unfortunate when cops die in horror movies. Truly. Send more cops. Here’s another good example, Burial Ground. Now there’s a piece of work. Holy shit this crew is stupid. They should have arrived at that tropical island (you know, the one from which they’d never escape) on a short yellow bus. They’re not half as smart as the zombies that kill them and they prove their worthlessness again and again. Weirdest looking kid I’ve ever seen in my life. Look at that kid. That’s supposed to be a kid? I’ll believe in zombies first. This kid gets all upset because of the walking dead or something, and goes to his Mom for comfort. Get this, he tells her how he needs to touch her, and how she used to hold him to her breasts when he was little. Then he goes for her tits. Mom smacks him down and he cries. The whole scene is pretty damn weird, and more unsettling than the blood and death around them. Later the kid gets killed, becomes a zombie and finds his Mom. The lady figures that maybe it’s a good idea to let the kid have a go at her after all - now that he’s a fucking zombie - and she ends up getting a tittie bitten off. She must have been out of her mind because nobody is that stupid. Besides the obvious result of being dead, she’s got a gaping hole where her right tit used to be. When she starts to rot, that hole is going to be one of the first places the maggots settle into. That’s just going to be unattractive. Stupid corpse. Stupidity is rampant everywhere, but especially in the underafternetherworld, so what’s the scene you think of? What’s your favorite display of horror stupidity? Who didn’t listen when you told them not to go in there? Misfits - Night of the Living Dead
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The laws of horror stupidity apply really well to a zombie movie. You see, if you’re smart you can stay alive for a long time, but no matter what you do, you’re most likely going to be eaten anyway. Zombies can’t run because their bodies are all rotted and shit, but that’s okay. They’re able to take their time because they have eternity to catch you. Zombie movies usually have that sense of inevitable doom. You will run out of places to go and they’ll probably get you. It’s going to spread, everyone may be turned and the world as we know it might end. But every minute, there’s an idiot born who will die before you.
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Comments
" These are the type of zombies the Nazis always wanted."
Ok, now that's just fucking brilliant. Awesome article Dan!
Posted by: Uberchief | September 13, 2006 8:47 AM
I love zombies. I've mentioned here before that my ultimate life goal is to actually become a zombie.
It runs in the family. The pic of the zombie kid in this post? That's my son.
Great post, Dan!
Posted by: michele | September 13, 2006 8:54 AM
that's a classic line if i ever heard one... great job, dan... you've made me understand shawn of the dead a little more.
also, michelle, nice zombie kid you got there..
Posted by: kali | September 13, 2006 8:55 AM
Fantastic job, Dan!!!
Posted by: thefinn | September 13, 2006 9:30 AM
Thanks guys, you're all as sweet as the flesh of the living.
Posted by: Dan | September 13, 2006 9:38 AM
Zombie movies always freak me out, but for some reason I watch them anyway.
Posted by: Ernie | September 13, 2006 9:43 AM
The zombie apocalypse is coming. Prepare now.
Posted by: Cullen | September 13, 2006 10:52 AM
the thing thaat always confused was why was there never zombie dogs?
why was it always human zombies and not zombie squirrels?
just somethings i think about right when i wake up
Posted by: the turtle | September 13, 2006 11:20 AM
The thing that always drove me nuts was that nobody ever used fire.
Granted, if you shoot them enough, massive trauma will do the job. But, you have to shoot them a gazillion times.
I always want to yell at the screen, "Get some flammable liquid and make some Molotov Cocktails." It's low-tech, area affect (Perfect for the zombie crowd scenes, there's at least one or two in the movie) and it'll char the dead guys to ash.
Some of the zombies will be new and damp, but the older ones will be drier and help the other ones catch. I've lit campfires on this principle.
Posted by: Remo Williams | September 13, 2006 11:27 AM
When the zombie apocalypse comes I am screwed because I have no firearms, just a compound bow and that's not gonna do shit against a zombie. Dang things.
Posted by: Ernie | September 13, 2006 11:28 AM
There were zombie dogs in the "Resident Evil" movies.... Dobermans, if I remember correctly...
Posted by: thefinn | September 13, 2006 11:30 AM
there were?
well i'll be damned
zombie dogs.
learn something new everyday
Posted by: the turtle | September 13, 2006 11:34 AM
When the zombie apocalypse comes I am screwed
Learn my zombie apocalypse motto.
Assimilate or die.
Posted by: michele | September 13, 2006 11:40 AM
I think you mean die to assimilate....
Posted by: Dan | September 13, 2006 11:41 AM
Survive the zombie apocalypse.
Personally, I don't believe that zombies have an eternity to catch you. By nature of their being, they are decaying. Eventually they will rot away -- undead or no. All you have to do is outlast them.
Come Halloween time, I'll try and get Michelle and Turtle to post my Surving the Zombie Apocalypse Powerpoint Presentation.
Posted by: Cullen | September 13, 2006 11:46 AM
You could look at it that way.
I'm basically going to throw myself into a crowd of zombies and let fate take its course.
Posted by: michele | September 13, 2006 11:50 AM
Oh we will totally post that, Cullen.
You have no idea how zombie obsessed I am.
I want to write about zombies tonight now.
Posted by: michele | September 13, 2006 11:51 AM
Literally speaking Cullen, you are right of course. We're just looking at it from different angles. The individual body might rot but the plague keeps going.
See, the idea of the zombie plague is considered by many to be a statement of society's inability to..... just shut up Dan.
Posted by: Dan | September 13, 2006 12:31 PM
Commies. Zombies are commies.
Posted by: Cullen | September 13, 2006 1:13 PM