Letter to the Editor of Dsyntery Weekly
by Michele Christopher
Dear Mr. Rhobe Rae:
I want to start by saying how much I love your publication. I look forward to opening my fresh, crisp copy of Dysentery Weekly every Friday afternoon. However, I am writing today to inform you of some aggregious historical innacurracies in an article from your August 28 issue entitled, "Midgets throughout the Ages."
1. You state that, as early as 40,000 years ago, midgets were domesticated by humans to serve purposes such as plowing, feet washing, and foot stoolery. However, there is ample evidence that Neanderthal man domesticated midgets before Homo sapiens existed. Dr. Arthur Cramden of the National Institute of Midgetry states in his 1997 report entitled, "The Short Folks: Man's Best Friend Revisted" that midgets were commonly used by Neanderthal man in his hunting expeditions because "they had the innate ability to scramble into underbrush that would have been difficult for a full-sized man to penetrate" (Cramden, 1997). This, of course, would have occured at least 50,000 years ago, which contradicts your estimates. While it is true that midgets were first domesticated as pets 40,000 years ago (as a result of the invention of the ball and the game of "fetch") it was not the first time they were domesticated in history.
2. Midgets were not, as you attest, a major force in the Battle of Agincourt. This is impossible, because in England during the early fifteenth century, all midgets were conscripted to circus duty by the age of three. It's possible that Henry drafted some of the more specialized midgets (for instance, acrobat midgets who could easily baffle the enemy with their unrivaled movements) but not likely, as Henry V was well known for his desire to keep all circuses running during the war, thereby supporting the fragile morale of his homeland (the state of which has been linked directly to theif guilds made entirely of sneaky midgets by Taylor and Tomtree in their 1974 article, "The Rise and Fall of our Neighbors to the South", and disputed by Hannigan in his 1998 article, "Taylor and Tomtree are Morons") in tact.
3. The first midget in space was not Gustaf "Wigglbotham" Troeller. He may have been the first midget sent into space in Western civilization, but it is well publicized that the Chinese used midgets in rocket flights that, because of the diminished weight of the passengers, were able to reach heights above the surface of Earth equidistant to what is now considered "outer space."
While some of the inaccuracies I point out may seem trivial, you must remember that we have to treat the history of our little friends with care and delicacy. It has been marred by ignorant stereotypes, mildly inappropriate genocide, and we must not repeat the mistakes of our forefathers by bathing modern midgets in a light shining with lies and innacuracies. We must let our light outshine that of the past, and let our flame burn on the fuel of the true nature and history of our glorious friends close to the floor, the midgets.
Uber answers more of your dsyentery questions at Uber's Corner
uber kills me everytime
Posted by: the turtle | September 11, 2006 1:04 PM
This is fucking brilliant.
Posted by: BrokenFiction | September 11, 2006 1:18 PM
I think that this post was in horribly poor taste.
Was it not only two and a half years ago since we ended the tragic midget vs. dwarf wars?
How easily we all forget.
Posted by: Cullen | September 11, 2006 1:37 PM
Mr. Husky Livingstone, I salute you.
Posted by: michele | September 11, 2006 1:48 PM
"Mildly inappropriate genocide"..... I'm crying over here. Outstanding and informative.
Posted by: Dan | September 11, 2006 2:05 PM
When I read your posts, I feel better. I feel normal. I feel well adjusted. Of course, I'm laughing so hard I'm about to vomit, but that's the price we pay.
Thank you Uber.
Posted by: Bob | September 11, 2006 2:36 PM
um. ok but what do short people have to do with bloody diarhea?
Posted by: kali | September 11, 2006 2:36 PM
foot stoolery. ahahahaha. uber, you're warped. (and i mean that in the best way possible)
Posted by: kali | September 11, 2006 2:39 PM