PRODUCED BY - Stories straight out of Hollywood - where there is no I in fuck you Saturdays, by Jay

So kids, ya came back to read more. Right on then. I was talking to a pal of mine the other day, and we got on this whole deal about how the industry could fuck up a grilled cheese sandwich. See if you took the bullshit we call a “pitch meeting’ and applied it to real life, it would go like this…sorta…

Writer: So I was going to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

Studio Monkey: Hey, grilled cheese sounds great. You just never see anyone make a real grilled cheese anymore.

Writer: Yeah, that’s why I am going to make one.

Studio Monkey: Ya know what, instead of making just a grilled cheese, how about you put some peanut butter on it? You know, like that other place does, but they use jelly instead of cheese.

Writer: That’s because Jelly goes well with peanut butter. I think a grilled Cheese would be good, and simple. Bread, some butter and cheese, grill it just so and bingo, a light, but satisfying snack. Everyone can relate to it, it’s a staple of our childhood. Nobody ever puts peanut butter on a grilled cheese, cause, well its kinda gross and wouldn’t taste good.

Studio Monkey: Yeah, but this other guy I know, he put salsa on his grilled cheese once, and said it was awesome. So we should put peanut butter and salsa, and then it would be a really hip and cool sandwich, it would have pizzazz.

Writer: I don’t really follow what you are saying, it doesn’t make sense. That sandwich would suck, nobody would eat it, because it sounds awful It doesn’t even sound like food anymore.

Studio Monkey: Yeah, but think about it, we would make this super cool sandwich, and marketing could create a buzz about how cool peanut butter, salsa and cheese is.

Writer: Look, I am making a grilled cheese sandwich, because I like grilled cheese sandwiches. I don’t like that other thing you suggested, and don’t know anyone who would.

Studio Monkey: You must not be a very good writer.

Writer: Fuck off.

That’s kinda how it goes. I mean you hear stories, like Kevin Smith talking about the nightmare that was his Superman reborn deal, and you can help but think Who the fuck are these dildos. They are called Studio Execs. They, for the most part, ruin everything.

Guess what else. Most of them never made a film, most of them don’t know fuck all about filmmaking, they likely listen to Britney Spears and think shes cool. In fact, Most Studio Execs are the K-Feds of the industry. They just kinda suck the life outta ya, and glom onto what once might have been a great thing, but now is a worthless can of bum vomit. They make you hate them for being stupid. Its like in the ol days when villages had idiots. Well, all those idiots became Studio Execs. Why do you think we have so much ass and cabbage on the screen? Yup, cause these asstards think they know whats cool. They think they know what we want to see. Oh please, could we have another fucking movie with that no talent hack of a prick tease, Jessica Simpson? Fucking get real. I really wanna punch the dickhead who thought that was a good move. Prolly the same guy who said “Hey, lets put those two asswads from American Idol in a film. Well unless that film is “Super Ass Gang Bang 7”, nobody wants to see those two in anything but a volcano. Just sayin.
So some examples. Dragonheart was meant to be Henry IV with a dragon, I know this because I know the guy who wrote it and he’s fucking brilliant. They ended up making that Dennis Quaid (Randy’s dumbass brother) and Barney film. What a fucking waste.

Speaking of dragons. Reign of Fire, that shitfest of fuckall wasted film time, yeah, was a lot like Aliens in this kids, Matt Greenbergs first draft. It was fucking great and I wanted to see that movie. What did the Studio do, yup, make a grilled cheese, salsa and peanut butter sandwich. This is why every fucking exec should be required to go to film school, see every great film like Touch of Evil, Lawrence of Arabia, To Kill a Mockingbird etc. They should read a fucking book written by people who know how to tell a fucking story, they should always be over 35, and have been in the industry for a minimum of 10 years, and produced at least 3 films, all indies. Then they should have to get certified, like a real pass or fail thing, by Kevin Smith, Steven Spielberg (fuck off, he’s still got it and will always be great) Steven Soderberg , Ridley Scott and because he’s fucking smart, Steve Buscemi. That what I think. I also think Renny Harlin should be run outta town like the lame ass lousy bad filmmaker he is. He gets a pass because he made Long Kiss Goodnight, but how could anyone fuck up a Shane Black script. Its not possible. Fuck, I’m sure Roger Corman watches Renny’s films and thinks, “WTF is wrong with this douchbag”? I mean, the cocktard made a bad pirate movie. HOW DO THEY LET HIM WORK EVER AGAIN?

And by the way, if you have not seen it, see the film noir, Brick. Abso-fuckin-lutly brilliant filmmaking. No bullshit, this was so well written, and directed, and Joseph Gordon Levitt ( the kid on 3rd rock from the sun) knocks it outta the park. This gives me hope, that the kid who made this will not get sucked up into a shit spewing system like the studios and make great films his whole lifetime.

Ok, that’s my thing for this week. Next week, I’ll continue with the script, and talk about Porn. Now I am going to go make a Grilled Cheese and drink a beer. As always, send hate mail, boobies or whatever to me, and if it is hate mail, say so in the subject, cause I read that first. Unless it says Boobies. Then I read that first. Oh, and where the fuck is that chickie with my cup of joe.

| Permalink | Del.icio.us It | Fark It | Digg It| Stumble It!