I’ve been looking for a new job and have been having problems with some of the interview questions I’ve been asked.

During an interview I was asked if I could think outside the box. I beckoned the interviewer out of her 10′ x 10′ office into the 50′ x 50′ room full of cubicles. I beckoned the interviewer out of the 50′ x 50′ room full of cubicles into the 30′ x 30′ lobby of the 130′ x 130′ office building. I beckoned the interviewer out of the 30′ by 30′ lobby of the 130′ x 130′ office building into the 50′ x 50′ parking lot. I beckoned the interviewer out of the 50′ x 50′ parking lot and onto a small, triangular section of grass at a nearby intersection and said, yes.

During an interview I was asked why I wanted to work at that particular company. I said it wasn’t necessarily a matter of want and that that particular company had said they’d had a job available and if they didn’t would they please stop wasting my time.

During an interview I was asked how much money I was looking to make. I said I wasn’t sure but it had better be enough to cover my crack habit, my alimony payments, my mortgage payments, my wife, my girlfriends, and my recent out-of-court settlement concerning the incident at the bar with the dwarf, the foosball table, the keg and the pool cue.

During an interview I was asked what my 5-year plan was. I said I wanted to win the lottery and live a life of leisure, but, failing that, I wanted to work as little as possible while making a lot of money.

During an interview I was asked what my family, friends and former coworkers would say about me. I said I wasn’t sure but we could call them up if he wanted.

During an interview I was asked what it was like to be a tree. I said they were slackers who played around outside all day - soaking up the sun, swaying in the breeze and sleeping for six months of the year. I said they were trespassers who should be dealt with harshly for their lack of respect of peoples’ personal property. I said they were litterbugs who should be fined for not picking up after themselves in the fall. I said they were nasty things that housed rodents and insects. The interviewer then asked what kind of tree I would be. I said Poplar.

During an interview I was asked - after taking an IQ test, a personality test, a math skills test, a vocabulary matching test, a grammar test, a mechanical aptitude test, and a drug test - why I thought they should hire me. I said because I had already put in a full day’s work.

During an interview I was asked if I would consent to taking a drug test. I said I sometimes had problems distinguishing between irregularly shaped sugar cubes and crack cocaine and had forgotten my bong, but if they were willing to lend me one of theirs, I was willing to give it my best shot.

During an interview I was asked how I handled stressful situations. I picked up the interviewer’s computer monitor, threw it through the window, banged my fist against a wall, cried in a corner and lit up a joint.

During an interview I was asked what my biggest mistake was and how I’d fix it. I said my biggest mistake was taking out student loans so I could go to college to learn what to do while sitting in front of a computer so I could get a job working in a cubicle all day so I could afford to pay back my student loans. I said I’d fix it by building a time machine, going back to the day I graduated high school and throttling my younger self until he agreed to forget about college and bought a ticket to Hawaii where he’d learn to surf instead.

During an interview I was asked what I was most proud of in my life. I said I was most proud of holding the high score for Asteroids down at the video arcade for an entire summer. When the interviewer suggested I should have, perhaps, said something more along the lines of “having kids” I responded that having kids was easy - that just involved doing something I enjoyed doing anyway, whether or not kids came of it, and besides, billions of people had been doing that kind of thing for hundreds of thousands of years - but holding the high score in Asteroids for an entire summer, now that took real skill and determination.

During an interview I was asked if I would be willing to work overtime to finish a project, if I would be willing to work through the night and on weekends - even sleeping at the office if I had to - to finish a job, if I would be willing to do anything and everything to meet a deadline, if I would work under extreme pressure and endure harsh criticism all in the name of making the company look good.

I asked the interviewer if they’d be willing to let me work undertime and still pay my salary, if they’d be willing to let me have my nights and weekends free - even letting me sleep in on cold, dark, wet, work days, if they’d be willing to do anything and everything to let me get home on time, if they could handle me slacking off at work and making fun of them behind their backs at the bar with my friends, all in the name of making me feel better.

They said no.

Willhelm shows up on FTTW weekly and will probably never get a job. But, we like him anyways

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