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But I'm Lactose Intolerant!
by Turtle Jones
So it's Saturday morning! We not really, when we write these we are almost asleep the night before we post these, but hey hell, close enough.
We wanna talk about desserts. Not what's your favorite type of anything, but favorite type of ice cream.
What is your favorite ice cream?
turtle scoops the truth
Tummy aches and hormones come around every once in awhile. These can be taken care of in a lot of ways. For my tummy aches, I just stop smoking cigars, and for someone else's hormones, she eats ice cream.
See, that just isn't fair. I lose something and she gains something. Girls get it so easy. At least with hormones, all you do is bleed. Hell, we have to listen to you bitch for three days so don't be saying we have the easy way out. I remember the old days when the Indians would send the woman folk out to the "PMS TeePee" because they were unclean. Well, fuck yeah. I do that too. The girl sleeps in the car when she is a-bleedin. Woo woo and all that shit. Here are my car keys. Don't run the battery too low listening to bad music tonight and try to keep the blood to a minimum.
God, I'm an insensitve prick sometimes. But, I need my sleep. So I found the best way to placate woman is with ice cream
Vanilla Ice Cream
Clearly the best ice cream there is. We aren't going into the pie wars thing that happened earlier cause as far as I am concerned, most of you eat some weird ass pie and won't bow down to the fury and anger that is apple pie, so I gave up there. Some of you people have issues and I'll just let it go. I mean, I compare vanillia ice cream to a woman's menstruation cycle and you guys are telling me about some kind of Napoleanic type of war over apple pie. Fuck man. I can barely brush my own teeth much less spell Napoleanwhateverthefuck War.
Gimmie a break. If I was that smart, I'd be up on stage with Alex Trebek asking him if he knew how loud the sound of a bullet is when it goes into his brain while he asked me about "Charo" from the Love Boat. Damn, I need to get on that game show. I think verbally threatening any game show host should be legal. Well, maybe not legal, but be a minor penality. Some lock up. Game Show Contestants Who Threatened To Shoot The Host In The Head jail. All the cool people would be there. No one would have to ask why they were locked up. They would just have to say the hosts name. "Bob Barker." "Alex Trebek." See that would be a cool prison cause you would have people battling on the 20 yard line cause they threatened a bigger host than you did.
At the end of the day all of them could get dinner and talk about the days battles on the game shows.
Split some vanillia ice cream and thinking about buying a new gun.
Because The Family Fued needs to end now.
And they are the ones to do it. - T
michele piles it on:
Ice cream. I'll say it right out loud here. Ice cream gives me gas. Wicked stomach pains, lots of gas. What can I say. My body doesn't really enjoy milk type products. But, it's ice cream. I sacrifice every once in a while and dig in.
We have a lot of ice cream places around here. Carvel. Baskin Robbins. Cold Stone. They all have their merits, but they all have their downside, too. For Cold Stone, it's the fact that they have to sing all the damn time. You give them a tip, they sing. You say thank you, they sing. You drop your cone on the floor, they sing. One time I put a dollar in the jar and said this dollar is for you NOT to sing and the dude broke out into a song about not singing.
Baskin Robbins, I don't bother with anymore. They are attached to either Dunkin Donuts or some other store, maybe a Pizza Hut or Kentucky Fried Chicken. I hate those double stores. They confuse me. I go in looking for a banana split and come out with a personal pepperoni pizza.
Carvel? I don't even know if there really is a Carvel around here anymore. I used to go to one down the block from me that was run by two angry German sisters who would yell at us in German and totally rip us off on the sprinkles. I think they didn't like me cause I'm Italian. Germans and Italians have a long running feud, in case you didn't know. But turtle and I are going to put an end to that, West Side Story style. When he brings this Italian home to his parents they will see that love overcomes even the longest running feuds. And then everyone will sing.
Ok, ice cream. That's where I was headed with this.
I like my ice cream at home. See, I really don't eat that much, per the aforementioned gas thing. But sometimes - read: every 28 days or so - I want some ice cream. I don't know what it is. I bleed, bitch and want ice cream. Some people know how to deal with this, some don't. Some people are smart and know that ice cream is the answer. Either way, I keep a half gallon of Eddy's vanilla bean in the freezer just for times like this. But I'm no barbarian. I don't eat my ice cream plain. I must follow my ice cream eating ritual. A ritual that is geared to satisfy every little craving that comes with PMS.
First you get the peanut butter. Take about three tablespoons of it, put it in a bowl. Microwave it for like 40 seconds. Voila, you have peanut butter soup. Put that aside for a second. Take out the maraschino cherries (surely you always have maraschino cherries in the house?), the whipped cream, the hot fudge and a banana. Throw all that shit on top of a bowl of vanilla bean ice cream. About ten cherries should do it. Ten or twelve tablespoons of hot fudge. The whole banana. About half a can of whipped cream. Oh, this better be a big bowl you are using. I forgot to mention that. If you have sprinkles in the house (and what good American doesn't?) pour them on top. Hmmm. What else could we add here? Ohhh there's butterscotch sauce in the fridge! Throw it on! Ok, when you are all done with that, spoon the peanut butter soupy stuff onto the concoction.
Now, just sit and stare at it a bit. Marvel at your creation. Survey it. Name it. Richard Dreyfuss and his potatoes have nothing on your motherfucking mountain of sweetness. Forget about aliens. You are going to see Jesus after you eat this, it's that good.
After you are done giving thanks to your chose deity for providing you with such amazing food products, dig in.
Well. This is what I do. I swirl the toppings around so they mix together. Take big spoonfuls of cherry, fudge, butterscotch, bannas, whipped cream and peanut butter. Oh sweet god is that good. More. More. Wipe mouth on sleeve. Dig again. Lick spoon. More. Damn, this shit is good. Lick the hot fudge off your fingers. Dig in again.........ah shit. The toppings are all gone. Dessert is done.
I really don't like ice cream. I just like the toppings.
See, it's the same way I make a martini. Poor some vermouth in a glass. Open the bottle of gin. Eat six olives out of the jar with your fingers. Drink gin straight from the bottle to wash down the olives. Throw vermouth down drain.
Ice cream, martinis, what's the difference? In the end it's the same result.
I waste a lot of food. - M
So these are our favorite desserts. We know we don't want to start the pie wars again so we just want to ask you one question.
What is your favorite ice cream?