Hi, I’m the Pool Boy
by Jay Scott
So last year I was at AVN learning about the adult entertainment industry. My plan was to go into this new frontier, make a crapload of dough and move on. Now having been in the mainstream industry for over 12 years, I knew that if I made this move it would be a one way street. No turning back. So I went on a field trip. A Discovery Channel like adventure into this world of sex sells, sex as a commodity and sexuality used as currency in the 12 billion a year thing we call porn. Yeah, that billion with a “b”. So fuck it I thought, I have been a producer (thus the clever name I use, aren’t I witty?) which, while I was, I musta been cursed. I’ll save that one. That’s a whole other story, as I did manage to make a pretty good go of it for awhile.
AVN. The trade show of adult film. Here you find distributors, production companies, talent and neat things like a dildo attached to a fucking power drill. Yeah, you might have seen this thing…or not. I can’t even begin to think what the fuck the guy who made this was thinking. Reaching his hand up his girlfriends skirt must have felt like feeding a camel. I mean a fucking drill. Dude. Step off the bong and take a god damn nap.
So here I was. Asking questions, meeting fun and interesting people. In fact, I remember standing in this area outside smoking. This very attractive, very non porn star, but hot chickie and I making small talk as the both of us smoked. Yeah, a convention of porn, and I’m the guy outside having a smoke with apparently the only other chick in the place who smoked. Go figure. Anyways. She’s very nice and I’m just being my normal clever and witty self. We chat about nothing special. It was all very innocent. So I aint trying to make time, or get in anyone’s pants, I’m just there to learn a few things and see what the world of porn is going to teach me. It’s a very secretive industry. Know that now. People who get into it figure it out as they go, this I found out fast. So I’m smoking with this chick and she says to me “So are you going to the awards show?” I say, we are having dinner at Lawry’s that night and really didn’t plan on it. She replies with - and I quote - "Awww, that’s too bad, I’m up for best anal scene".
Now. I have been chased by a lion, attacked by a wild Zebra, had the Secret Service “intercept me” before I got close to Marine One, flown in a P-51 Mustang, smoked a cigar with Bill Cosby and even ruined Christmas once. None of that prepared me for this situation. It wasn’t what she said, it was how she said it. It was like she was going to be in a spelling bee.
Say you wanna have dinner?
Well, mom and dad must be very proud.
I, of course, chose none of those. I had a sudden realization. Porn is a serious business. They know what the fuck they are doing, because someone somewhere decides what it takes for a scene to be “best (insert any sex act here)” Yeah, I know what you're thinking, I wanna talk to my High School counselor about that not being part of career day too, but let's not get sidetracked.
I said, "Well I hope you win and good luck."
She was very pleasant for the rest of the time we smoked and every time I saw her later, she waved and would introduced me to her girlfriends, telling them I was into shooting like Vargas painted (Google Vargas for those not in the know). That’s my thing by the way.
So after having talked to a lot of porn stars and people in the industry I can tell you this. Almost 90% of the girls I spoke with are smart. Real smart. They know the business well, and they have a plan. A serious plan. Most of the girls in the industry are sweet and charming. People you would want to have over for a barbeque or dinner parties. Almost everyone is polite and not stuck up, no matter how famous. That’s an important thing to note. I later realized the girl I was chatting with was seriously porn famous. Amazing. Try and imagine Jennifer Aniston standing around being normal like that. Yeah, not fucking likely. So like I was saying. Normal, smart, fun and interesting people.
The people who work in porn are, in my opinion, much more sane and normal than those who work in the mainstream industry. Read that again. It true. The fine folks who work in the mainstream entertainment industry are mostly asshats, with few exceptions, like my pal with whom we did 20 questions with last week.
Oh, and in case you didn’t know, not once during the entire AVN awards did anyone thank Jesus. Just another thing that endears me to the people in the adult industry. They thank people like co stars and boyfriends and girlfriends and some even thank moms and dads. So forget what you hear. People in porn are way more normal than the folks whom we put on the cover of People magazine or US fucking Weekly. See, cause in the adult industry, at least you know who’s fucking you.
And when they do fuck you, well, that story always has a happy ending.
/rim shot please.
Next week, who knows, might have an awesome interview.. As always, if ya wanna complain or send me pictures of your boobies, email me. Bow chika wow chika wow chika wow.