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How I Raised an Asian Baby to be my Accountant Part II
by Michele Christopher
We at fasterthantheworld.com want to say that we think stay-at-home mothers are some of the strongest, most important people in the world - TRR
The first day without Lester was hard. I hadn’t had a drink since he showed up, and this was the first time I felt like I could get away with getting a little drunk.
I went walked down the street to the nearest convenience store. Inside, I found a nice, cold bottle of Zinfandel. Not exactly as strong as I used to drink, I thought to myself, but it might be time to take it easy. After all, Lester would be home in less than seven hours, and then it would be time to sit and play, then eat dinner together, then clean up the kitchen, then study tax laws with emphasis on exemptions.
On my way up to the counter, I noticed that they had new confections in the freezer. “Baun-bauns,” I said out loud, reading the label on the new, apparently-German frozen candy. “Vanilla ice cream scoops wrapped in chocolate shells,” read the description. I was sold.
By the time I got back to the apartment, I had the candy and the wine, as well as some flowers and a little good-smelling lotion I bought to pamper myself. After putting everything in its place (and spending an hour cleaning the kitchen which was an AWFUL mess) I turned on the TV and sat down with my glass of Zin and some baun-bauns. Judge Judy was on, and the jury was IN.
Judge Judy raised hell this time. There was the one guy who ran into his sister’s car while he was having sex with his girlfriend’s mother, and then the other guy who worked at a pet store where he rented prostitute monkeys to bachelor parties in Mexico. After that, I remember something about a goat, and the next thing I knew, I woke up beside the empty bottle of Zin, chocolate all over my shirt, with Lester poking me in the face.
“Wake up Dad!” he said. “I want to tell you about my first day of school!
“Of course you do!” I said as I threw up a little in my mouth. Take my advice—if you quit drinking for a couple of years, don’t down a bottle of Zinfandel in four hours—especially if you have a kid to take care of.
“Well, first we all introduced ourselves and told what our parent’s did, and I said exactly what you told me—Mom’s a whore and Dad’s a writer!”
“And then they asked me what my favorite subject was, and of course I said torte reform...”
“Oh, you’re going to fit right in...”
“And I met a girl!”
“Does she have big tits?” I asked.
”Nevermind, nevermind. So you had a good first day at school?”
He smiled, and looked at his shoes. “It was more fun than staying at home.”
I went to hug him. “It’s supposed to be more fun,” I said, stroking his hair. “You meet new people, you get to learn about all sorts of new stuff aside from economic policy and escrow standards, and what’s more, there’s chicks with tits.”
“Chicks with what?”
“Nothing. Just remember this—you are going to learn a lot at school. But you also need to have fun.”
He nodded as if he understood. But he didn’t understand. The kid didn’t even understand that it was useless to order a cheeseburger without cheese. But he knew the tax code, and he knew exemptions, and he was going to make a hell of a kindergartner.
Next week: How I Raised an Asian Baby to be my Accountant Part III
Ted Rhobe Rae fantasize about a threesome with him, Judge Judy and the bailiff from Moral Court.