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How to Cheat on Your Wife and Why You Shouldn't
by Michele Christopher
Please welcome our guest author Ted Bronson, who will appear here from time to time.
O.K. guys, we have all been there. Things at home are boring or stressful or otherwise making you nuts and you think that all you need to do is pick up a little strange wool and you'll feel young/handsome/in control again. Guess what. It ain't gonna happen!!
What you are gonna feel instead is even more stress trying to balance your mistress with your wife and kids and job and everyone will feel it and get suspicious and pissed and your old lady is likely to pull a Bobbit on your ass.
Think guys, your wife has put up with enough of your shit by now don't you think? Even if she works, statistically, she still does most of the housework. If you have kids, she probably does most of the care giving--- taking them to and from school, soccer, doctor, whatever. She gives them their baths, feeds them their dinners, packs their schoolbags, does all the laundry in the house, and all the other myriad jobs that come with raising YOUR kids. You OWE her to not fuck around. You OWE her to be there for your kids. In short, you owe her your time and cheating on her is like stealing from her what is her due.
Besides, cheating on your wife WILL be found out, eventually. We as guys generally think too much with our dicks and not enough with our heads and you will make a mistake eventually. Finally, when you do fuck up, it makes the rest of us look bad. Whenever my wife tells me about the girl at work who has slept with every guy in the office, married or not, it casts the shadow of suspicion on all the women I work with at MY office. With that said as a disclaimer, this article will give you some ideas on how to cover your tracks a little better so that you WON'T make us all look like assholes.
First and foremost, DON'T FUCK SOMEONE YOU WORK WITH!!! I cannot stress this enough. The stereotype is there for a reason. Yeah, things suck at home and the sweet little copygirl has been making eyes at you and trying to get you to help her 'fax' in the mailroom for weeks now. DON'T DO IT!! This same little twiff is the one who can bust you for sexual harassment just as soon as you forget her birthday or don't sign off on her promotion recommendation form, or anything else she sees as the tiniest slight. So then you lose your job, your wife and kids, your reputation, and in some places face jail time or lawsuits on top of all that.
This, guys, is a classic form of screwing yourself. My wife tells me about a guy she works with that tried to kiss the receptionist, in his cubicle, in the middle of the work day, while other people were a mere 3 feet away behind a partition. This guy is a rock with lips. Sharp as a bag of marbles. Just plain dumb. Fortunately for the guy, the receptionist laughed him off and walked away, telling no one but my wife of the incident. Besides being dumb, this guy is very lucky. A good rule of thumb: If she works in the same building, don't try to pick her up. Of course, that means trying to score somewhere else.
Remember, your wife probably knows down to the penny how much you get paid, how much is in the bank, and reads all the credit card bills. Since we all know how much it takes to support a girlfriend, how can you possibly expect to start suddenly having one? I have a friend who had a credit card his wife knew nothing about. He had the statements come to his office, he kept it in a drawer in his office, had it completely hidden. Or so he thought. After about a year of running around on her with this little piece he picked up at a lunch counter, he had quite a credit history on that little piece of plastic. Motels, lunches, gifts, etc. Then they decided to move into a new apartment. Of course the guy didn't think anything about it when asked to provide credit references and give a home number for a contact point. So when his credit report comes back and the wife hears about this card, she does some investigating thinking it is a case of identity theft. She manages to bully the credit card company into faxing her a history on the card. She sees everything, including all the gifts he bought that she didn't receive. Needless to say, the guy is now single and that is the only card he has left, his mistress left him, and his grown kids won't speak to him. So how can one get around this? Easy. CASH. Take out X dollars every week for 'incidentals' to include gas, lunches, smokes whatever. The wife will agree naturally to limit what you are putting on Mr. Plastic and think nothing of it. Be sure to bring home change every day and put it in a jar or something to prove your 'economizing' is working. But what she won't know is that you are really spending it on slapping uglies at lunch. Course, it means you are going to have to give up your real lunch and smokes or whatever. Remember, this is going to work only as long as you don't forget a receipt in you pocket or go to the ATM more often that SHE thinks you ought to.
Next, if you suddenly get a cellular phone after not having one forever, you damn sure better get your wife one first, for her 'safety'. And for damn sure don't give the little lunch counter girl the number, just use it to call her. But be sure to get a trace-block on it so the 69 she does on you isn't *69. I have another married friend who was sitting down with his wife when the cell phone rang. It was the husband of the girl he was shagging. The guy made it sound innocent, and asked for the wrong name, explained that he found the number 'cleaning out his boss' files' and thought he may be a potential customer. Turns out his little fling was foolish enough to leave his name and number programmed into HER phone and hubby got curious. This brings up two other points: 1) if at all possible, find a married woman to diddle with- she has as much to lose as you, if not more, and is less likely to try to destroy your life: or 2) find someone who is content being the other woman because she is fucking several other guys at the same time she's fucking you.
As with ANY chance encounter though, make absolutely certain she can't get knocked up. This can mean finding an oral artist and being happy with that, only having anal sex, or even better, getting a vasectomy. Nothing ruins a night at home with the in-laws and grandparents faster than a process server knocking on your door with a paternity suit. But even if you take all these precautions, WEAR A GODDAMN RUBBER. A dose will make you not only suddenly single, but a laughingstock as well. Not to mention possibly dead or a murderer if you give your wife AIDS.
Big things here NOT to do. Statistically, when a guy starts fucking around, he makes the same mistakes as the million guys before him.
1. He starts to work out. Don't you think your wife will notice when you suddenly start going to the gym, losing weight, etc. when for X number of years you have just been the thing she vacuums around?
2. He starts to lose interest in having sex with his wife. No matter how hosed your marriage is, if you stop having sex with your wife completely, she is gonna think something is up.
3. He starts making changes in bed and wanting more sex. The first time I ever tried to finger my wife's ass while giving her head, she almost divorced me because she wanted to know where I was getting ideas like that. Same when I quit smoking and realized that my appetite for more than food had increased.
Needless to say, I would never go around behind my wife's back. I am deeply committed to our relationship, love her with all my soul, and don't want to lose my kids' respect. But even with all that going for me, she sometimes gives me the skunk-eye. Hell, writing this article has made her have doubts and she KNOWS better.
Finally guys, and this is the biggest thing so pay attention, no strange pussy you ever pick up can give you all the things your wife does. No way. No how. Not ever. The only thing another woman can offer you is sex--not the love, support, friendship, and stability that your wife can. The risks are too high, you make all men look like pigs, and you throw away your own self-respect. But, if you feel like you just gotta go get some freak, that you just can't keep up your end of the bargain you made with her, that in the final analysis you have failed to keep the lizard brain at bay, then be honest enough to tell her and ask for a divorce. A divorce like that will cost you a lot less than it will after you get caught. And you will get caught. Don't kid yourself, buddy. Women are smarter than we are, talk more about their sex lives than we do with their girlfriends, read more and watch more, and are more suspicious because historically they have more to lose.
Ted Bronson has a wife, two kids and a clean credit history
Awesome! Now you know any woman who reads your article is going to FORCE her husband to read this. :)
Posted by: Andrea | October 30, 2006 6:55 AM
The thing that throws me off here is the helpful tips included in the middle...
Posted by: Kory | October 30, 2006 9:00 PM
why even cheat? that's why god created hookers.
Posted by: baby huey | October 30, 2006 10:19 PM
It's not cheating if you pay for it?
Posted by: michele | October 30, 2006 10:24 PM
it's cheating, but it is--at least i assume--much easier to go through it without being found out.
Posted by: baby huey | October 30, 2006 10:26 PM