Wild Celebrity Kingdom
by The Pop Culturista

This week on Wild Celebrity Kingdom we take a look at a species containing one of the most treacherous and predatory females known to science, specifically Hollywoodus Emaciatus.

Our first specimen is one we haven't seen in a while. First tagged back in 1984, this used to be a prime example of H. Emaciatus, rippling with muscle and quite ferocious. She appears to have aged somewhat severely, however, no doubt due to her poor diet and even poorer mating habits.



Our next specimen is a relative youngster in this tribe, but already shows signs of extensive use by the male of the species, Hollywoodus Bloatedegodae. She appears to sleep little, and eat even less, all of which combine to make her look years beyond her true age. Sad to say, but this one probably will not make it past the next dry season.




Our next specimen used to be one of the most gregarious of this species, cavorting mindlessly with another scary specimen, Hermaphroditicus Pleasepayattentiontomecera. She managed to escape his clutches, however, which is fortunate for her as this scientist hears that they are in the habit of sacrificing the ones they no longer want and making clothing out of them. Her escape notwithstanding, this specimen now looks dreadful, clearly having been a victim of the sparse foraging available to Hollywoodus Emaciatus this season. Hopefully she can hang on until the rainy season and the return of El Cateringiño.



Here we have a relatively healthy specimen that has seen some hard times lately, narrowly escaping capture by a very frightening species, Scientologistus Bugfuckidae. She's rebounding nicely though, has recently taken up with a new companion, a member of Cowboycera Gayus, but he doesn't appear to be providing for her very well as she's extremely thin now. She might also become a casualty of the famine times if we do not act to save her.




This still-pretty female was not as fortunate the previous specimen. She has been firmly ensnared by Scientologistus Bugfuckidae, and has already been forced to procreate with one of them. Jim? Are you throwing up? Sorry, Jim, I forgot to warn you about this. I know it's horrible to contemplate, and I fear what the result of their mating will look like, but we must act for the preservation of all species, right Jim? Jim...where are you going with that gun? Jim??

That's all the Wild Celebrity Kingdom we have for today. Thank you for visiting with us and helping save all the wild and wonderful species out there!

Jim...?

Comments

i wonder what roseanne barr's genus name would be?

man, i need to go back to bed

these are the thoughts that cause nightmares

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Next time you are out hunting celebs, tell Jim that it's ok to shoot Lohan. It would be a mercy killing.

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