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The Sweet Stuff
by Michele Christopher
Candy. I don't eat a whole lot of it, but when it comes to this time of year, I can't help thinking a lot about it. Maybe even craving it. I wait for my kids to come home Halloween night (yea they are too old to wear costumes but not too old to grub candy from neighbors and relatives) and when they go to bed I go through their bags, hoarding the good stuff. Hey, I'm just trying to save myself money on dental bills. And trying to save my kids from a bout of acne. Don't bother telling me that chocolate doesn't cause toothaches or zits. Because I need to justify my candy theft and I will deny your words.
So what do you look for in the bag? What's your all time, absolute favorite candy? Here's ours.
Michele takes a bite:
Reeses Peanut Butter Cups
Damn, I love me some peanut butter. I'll eat it right out of the jar with a spoon. Sometimes I forego the spoon entirely and just stick my finger in the jar and grab a scoop of peanut butter. Lick it right off my finger. Yes, that's me in the picture. Good stuff. Now take that peanut butter and wrap it in chocolate and you have a gift from god that should be holier than communion wafers. See, I believe it's a gift from god for one reason. It cures PMS. The saltiness of the peanut butter plus the chocolate is better than 40 Midols and an orgasm sometimes. Just biting into one of these fuckers, feeling the smoothness of the peanut butter on my tongue, the sweetness of the chocolate in my throat, the tantalizing taste of both of them swirling around my mouth to make the most pleasurable aural experience since my birthday.
On the flipside, there's always that candy that you come across that makes you want to hold up a cross and a jar of holy water and scream for your priest to come form an exorcism. Or maybe that's just me. Cause I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure that coconut is born of the devil. It is Satan's plaything.
Evil sidekick to Almond Joy. Purveyor of all that is evil in the world of candy. Harborer of the dreaded coconut flakes. Now, I should tell you - I can eat a real coconut. Right out of the shell. That's good shit. But this flaked garbage? No bueno. I don't know what happens to it between the shell and the cleaver, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with Satan taking a piss on it. And everyone knows that Satan piss is the opposite of holy water. Hence, my theory about coconut, and by default, Mounds, being the devil. Plus, who the fuck names their candy Mounds? Because all I can think of is, well.....sex. And I don't want to confuse sex with coconuts. Although once I wore a coconut bra during a bachelorette party. But still, that has nothing to do with coconut covered candy. The anti-christ is coming and he's chewing on your Mounds.
As an added bonus, we're gonna give you some weird candy, too:
Frooze. Lollipops. Sure, they may look innocuous to you, but once you get the wrapper off, all bets are off. I wish like hell I had the pictures I took of these lollipops a few years ago. Because then you can see the drips. Yes, the drips. See, Frooze are filled Real Fruit Juice! But when you unwrap these things and realize how very phallic looking they are and you see how the Real Fruit Juice sort of drips and oozes out of the tip of the lollipop, you think, ummm...are these for children or for young women who want to turn on an unsuspecting date? I actually imagine a PYT (that's pretty young thang to you youngsters) standing there in a Catholic schoolgirl uniform, sucking the daylights out of one of these things and she pulls it out of her mouth and you can see the Real Fruit Juice slowly creeping out of the lollipop and onto her tongue and...
sorry. I needed a minute there.
Weird candy, dude. What were they thinking? - M
turtle hated Willy Wonka
OK. I'm running a little late here tonight so let's get this thing going fast. Cigars need to be smoked and I guess it would be cool if I saw my dog tonight. At least sometime before I move it would be kinda nice to see her. But, I can't do anything about that right now.
Maybe later I'll go out and smoke in front of my car. Meh. She is somewhere around here. I'll find her.
But enough about me.
Let's just say the worst candy of all is the candy that drew divisions among the candy world.
Oh I hated these. Refered to as schoolyard ammunition. We would hurl these at each other and try to take the eyes out of another kid. Two flavors seperated by a common wall. Two gangs waiting on each side of the box. Sugary sweet and disgusting. The candy that was not eaten became a weapon on the blacktop.
All of Willy Wonka's candy was made to hurt children. Not one of those types of candy is safe for human consumption. All of it was made for the sole purpose of putting a kid's eye out or knocking out their tooth.
And god forbid a Red Nerd got mixed up in the Blue Nerds turf.Everything was fucked up then.
See, when I eat candy, I like it to be fun. Not like watching "Colors" on TV. I don't need to look at a box of sugar and think of some gang warfare going on in Los Angeles.
Chik o Stik
Like Butterfingers? Like the inside? This was pure. It was uncut. It was the insides. Sure it had coocnut on it and sure it got caught in your teeth. But this was pure. I have no idea what the fuck a chicken had to do with it, or the coconut for that matter, but this was good stuff. Pure roach food. Eat this while watching TV and the next day you will get secrect surprises on your couch.
Pure sugar with a sugar stick to dip in it? Wow. That is pretty out there. I mean. I guess it is good cause you can get your daily diabetic fit in. I think they give this to kids who have been bad at school. Just to watch them shake. - T
So there's the candies we think about near Halloween. What treats do you look for or avoid?
Late Night Typing is written under the influence of too much sugar