But It's Got a Great Personality
by Michele Christopher

Thinking of what to do tonight, we realized we hadn't done a car post in a while. But both of us were on the run today and we didn't have time to come up with something spectacular, so we came up with something unspectacular instead. Butt ugly cars.

turtle breaks something, again

Cars are meant to sturdy. Tough. Things that would and can take a real beating. I mean really, cars are supposed to be an extension of your cock. You may not believe it but the Rev. Turtle is here to tell you it's true. Cars equal cocks and every guy knows that and has read it in the big book of How To Prove You Have a Big Cock By Having A Big Car. Published by Little Brown 1996.

So why in the good name of christ would you get a small one? Car not cock. I was born with the merchandise I walk around with so why would I want to adversitse it? Look at me! My penis is small!

So my car is the Ford Festiva

Oh jeez, this car was just made for mocking. ALF00041.gifTaking a shower in the boys' locker room was bad enough.I mean hell, there only 20 guys saw your lack of manliness (is that a word?) but to drive one of these cars around, you showed everyone you were going out to buy tampons for your girlfriend or that you like to watch TV court shows. While I might be admitting I have done both, let me swear to you that My Cock is massive and thinks ahead. It is a massive cock. It is so big I fear My Cock will sprout legs one day and leave me. After all, My Cock can do anything. It has been talking lately about running for President because My Cock thinks things are going down the shitter in this country. My Cock has a seven point program to turn this country around and My Cock is the one to do it.

My Cock will stimulate this economy and make it come to it's strongest potential.

My Cock will meet leaders of other countries and discuss trade negotiations and will let us win this war.

I have no idea where I was going with this so I think it's better if we end it now. - T

michele does lunch:

I don't understand this car. I don't understand why someone would want to drive around in it. I'm wondering. There was an idea. The idea was passed around the office. The people who listen to the idea people nodded their approval. A car was made.

The Toyota Scion xb

It's a fucking box. Not just a box. It's a lunchbox. That's exactly what it looks like. Like it should have a handle on top and maybe a picture of Optimus Prime on the side and a matching thermos. The ads for this should say "holds one PB&J, one snack pack pudding, a thermos of milk and an apple!"


Maybe one of the designers was having some car-idea block and was listening to Huey Lewis's Hip to be Square when he got this idea. Or maybe it's me. Maybe this car is way freaking cool and I just can't see it. Because I see a lot of them on the road. Lots of boxes driving up and down the turnpike every day. And I keep thinking. Why? I want to roll down my window and lean over and ask the guy in the box next to me "Why do you think this is a nice looking car? What made you buy this thing? What the fuck were you thinking, mate?"

I saw one dude driving a boxcar and he couldn't have been more than 25. Sunglasses on, hair all slicked back, ten dollar tan. A real player. You can just tell these things. But he's driving one of these Scions. I'm thinking you're not going to pick up too many chicks when you are driving a car that looks like it came from a Playmobil set. Or the school cafeteria.

The Scion. Lunchbox on wheels. Seats six. Sandwiches. -- M

Ugly cars. I'm sure there are people who think the cars we picked out are great. After all, people drive them. But at the risk of insulting a lot of people, what do you think the ugliest car is?

Late Night Typing is written way too late sometimes.



where the hell did i go with that one?


Turtle, I have no idea where you were going, but the trip was fun. As always.

As for ugly cars, c'mon Aztec anybody? friggin hell, ooh you could even get it with a tent out of its ass.


Worst new car:
The Dodge Caliber. Who's the ad wizard who came up with that one? Lets take this massive looking front end, monster thing we got going on and put it on a fucking AMC Pacer. Dumbasses.

Worst recent car:
Honda Elemtent. I'm not sure I ever learned that "Sucks Shit" was on the periodic table, but Honda is certainly attempting to prove it.

Still in the running: Chevy Puke-a-lanche, Pontiac Aztec.


Ha, Chris! I was typing mine while you were posting yours.


Am I the only one who thinks that the Scion has a certain boxy charm ? I can't explain why, but I think they're kinda cool looking...


I knew a guy once who owned 6 Festivas. One ran and the other 5 were mined for parts.

Why he didn't set them all on fire I'll never know.

Dodge Shadow? Also Das Suxor.


AMC Marlin
Mercedes C230 Coupe
Honda Del Sol


Hey Cullen.

So not quite on the thread, but.....

Minivans, they are pieces of shit. Most of them are ugly too.

So what to do about it?

Well, I am organizing, for next spring, a minivan grass track racing event -- full contact. Bring your own minivan -- I suggest picking one up cheap somewhere cos you won't be driving it home.

All I need is a fool with a field.


i'm with michele. Now, for me to turn and barf at a Toyota product is tantamount to treason for me, because i love the yotas, have had them for the past 15 years, and i know the famous 22R engine inside out, backwards, forwards, can rip one apart and put it back together with a minimum of blood sacrificed to the tool gods, etc. But, the Scion... looks fucking stupid. Like the Element.


I have an element, and though ugly, its awesome for the beach and carrying all my crap!


my 4runner carried five people AND all their crap to the beach, four hours away for a weekend. What the fuck do i need a box on wheels for? Hell i even got to take mine out ON the beach...


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