We Thought It Was White Boy Day
by Turtle Jones

LATE NIGHT TYPING - Michele and Turtle write a couple of nights a week. Whatever's on their mind.


Chick flicks. Guy flicks. Chicks with dicks. Welcome to wonderful world of gender based movies! We took the opposite approach. What if a guy watched a chick flick? Vice versa? What would happen? Here we go...

turtle hangs his head low

Ok. Usually I light a cigar after I write and think about what I have done. Face it, alot of this stuff is done late at night and gets sucked into the system before I really look at it. So while this article gives me a chance to think about what I am going to write, it also gives me a chance to suck some nicotine into my lungs. I have finally come to the conclusion that quitting cigarettes while picking up cigar smoking is pretty much the equivalent of a guy who fucks dogs suddenly switching to screwing cats.

Small difference. But really the same. I understand that now. Except now I get people pissed when I fire up a cigar I get to blame it all on the Cubans. Virginia gets a free pass on this one. Commie cigars.

But chick flicks. Sometimes I watch them. I'll admit it. Sometimes girls can only take so much LOTR before they need to get laid. That means you need a chick flick. Football will not get girls legs up in the air. I can say that I have never had my cock bobbed while watching golf, either. There are some sacrifices you have to make to get to the nubbins.

I can make those sacrifices.

So when it comes to those movies, I watch them only because someone will think I'm sensitive. That I really care about anything but her hips buckling on my mouth as I hold her down thinking I am Ricardo Montoblan. I am "Da Boss". I am sucking my "Tattoo".

My god that was vulgar for a Monday morning.

But like I said my favorite chick flick has my favorite actor in it and a lesbian scene so what the fuck?

Let's go with this one.

Ghost

I have no idea why chicks dig this one. Christ. ghost.jpg My mom almost had an orgasm watching Mr. Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore kissing before I told her it was really Whoopi Goldberg kissing her. A few rewinds of the tape and Mom turned white. I mean yeah, it's Whoopi making out with her, but hey, I'll fucking take Charo kissing Aunt Bee from Mayberry as long as my snake spits at the end of the night. You see, I have a very vivid imagination and can make anything into a fantasy. Too bad Aunt Bee is dead or we would have a cool reunion show on the Love Boat. Charo and Aunt Bee. On the Love Boat. Licking nubbins. I would have sticky socks for a week.

My god, that’s vulgar.

So anyways, this movie is cool cause it has Mr. Patrick Swayze in it. The most underrated actor of all time. And he is stressed to get back to his woman. To save her. See dude. Chicks dig that kinda shit. I don't know why. If you show them a movie like this and watch their reactions, it’s like a car wreck with a promise of sex afterwards. You have to watch it to get to the good part.

It's all about the friction during the fiction. - T

Michele gets in on the action

I got off easy here. See, I’m supposed to write about a guy flick I like, while Turtle has to write about a chick flick he likes. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say this is going to be much harder on him than it is on me.

I’m an action flick kind of girl. I generally don’t go for romances or period pieces or anything that tugs at your heartstring or stars Meg Ryan as a bright yet ditzy woman with love problems.

I like explosions. I like car chases. I like blood and guts and gore and ten state shooting sprees and random, gratuitous violence mixed with random, gratuitous sex.

I like guy flicks.

So, this is easy for me. Or is it? Now I have to pick one movie out of hundreds that I like enough to write about. Ok, I got it.

True Romance.

Here’s a movie that has everything. Not only does it run on about 5000 megawatts of pure violence, but it’s got the nastiest villains this side of Mean Girls. The cool thing about this movie is it’s a love story. But it’s not one that’s forcing me to watch Julia Roberts try to emote and it doesn’t make me feel like I’ve been warped into the Lifetime Channel. It’s a love story, but it’s pretty damn dark.

If you’ve never seen this movie, this is all you need to know: It’s got Christian Slater. Val Kilmer as Elvis. Brad Pitt in one of his briefest, yet best rolestromance.jpg. Bronson Pinchott in an absurd scene with cocaine. Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken in one of the most intense scenes every put on film. Samuel Jackson. And Gary Fucking Oldman out villain-ing even himself.

There’s twists and turns and double crossing and drugs and beatings and death and Patricia Arquette beating the fuck out of James Gandolfini. It’s everything I ever wanted in a movie. Because really, if you just give me Gary Oldman and a cool car wreck, I’m set to go. But this thing goes to 11. If good movie scenes were like sex, True Romance would be giving me more multiple orgasms than my last shower head.

Plus, it’s got laughs. And romance.

Yea, ok. It’s a love story. So maybe it is kind of a chick flick.

At least it doesn’t have Meg Ryan.

My name's Elliot, and I'm with the Cub Scouts of America. We're selling uncut cocaine to get to the jamboree. -M


So as you can see, some of us were unfairly biased in the admissions of these movies. It's up to you to figure out who was. But, these are our movies. The ones that we like but, really can't admit we do.

We told you ours.

What are yours?

Comments

The reason it's so hard to write about a chick flick you like is because chick flicks suck. :P

Also one of you cheated. Ghost is definitely a chick flick, but...

"True Romance" is not a guy flick!!!! How many women fo you know that hate it? It's a cross gender flick. There's the violent Tarrantino stuff and the romantic comedy, which would totally be a chick flick if it had to stand on its own.

If you want to go with things Quentin Tarrantino scripted, Reservoir Dogs is a pretty good example of a guy flick.

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I love Resevoir Dogs. Not my favorite Tarrantino flick (Kill Bill or Four Rooms would be up there), but a good example of a guy movie.

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"I love Resevoir Dogs. Not my favorite Tarrantino flick, but..."

BLASPHEME!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Is The Princess Bride a chick flick? It has Andre the Giant and he's on my wife's short list, so....

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Turtle's absolutely right... Sometimes you have to suffer through a little "Four Weddings and a Funeral" or "My Big Fat Grrek Wedding" to get a little lovin' from that special someone...

I'll freely admit to having watched hundreds of chick flicks. But sometimes, the sacrifice is too much. Sometimes you end up giving up a little bit of yourself, just to get something from somone else. And it hurts.

I'm speaking, of course, about "Moulin Rouge"... It's 97 long and very painful minutes of bad singing and dancing (with beautiful sets, mind you) that makes my damn head spin. But I watched it....

"Four Rooms" is a freaking blast... Tim Roth can do no wrong in my mind....

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"Nell" was too much. I never should have watched that.

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I just watched the movie "North Country" with Charlize Theron. (Need I say more? Damn she's hot!)

Anyway... It was a well done movie, based on the true story of a woman who sues a large Taconite Mill for having no policy against and encouraging Sexual Harassment of female workers.

Well, the entire time I am watching it I am thinking to myself, "Why do these women think they belong working there?" I then asked the woman watching it with me and she was offended. When I asked why, she started spouting about equal rights and how women can do anything a man can do. So, I asked her to pee standing up without getting her leg wet. We laughed and she reminded me that from time to time, when I have a morning winky, I can't always do that either.

Anyway, back to my point. I totally understand equal rights, the wrongs of sexual harassment, etc. But that doesn't change my opinion that the women simply didn't belong there. She then asked "how I could be so narrow minded?" I then reminded her of the time when the gay guy was suing Hooters because he was turned down for a job because he was a man, and it was the women who worked for Hooters who banded together to assist their employer in making a court believe that he simply DID NOT BELONG THERE.

She replied with, "Really? I didn't know about that." The case was closed.

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One of my favorite movies is still Fight Club. For chick flicks I like Knight's Tale- kinda goofy, but I love it.

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People give Rob Reiner shit for being kind of a douche but when he is gone the world will remember him for Spinal Tap and the Princess Bride.

Is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind girly?

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Man I hate Ghost. Although it may have less to do with the movie than with the fact that the night my parents rented it my mother hit me with the phone and I ran away from home (for the night, calling from every change of location so they wouldn't worry... damn I was a good kid).

I do have a secret love though, Jean Claude Van Damme. I will watch anything that man is in. I also own (on DVD) all the "American Ninja" movies.

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hells no, eternal sunshine... ain't girly, it's just rad!

the great thing about true romance is it's so fucking ambiguous as to it's guy flick?/girl flick? status. suuuure, it's fucking violent as hell, but it's also got a achey beautiful love story. i love that movie.

and finn, you know you loved moulin rouge. i think i saw a tear or two when we watched it....

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Eternal Sunshine... and all Charlie Kaufman movies rock.

Moulin Rouge is considered torture in 47 states and two territories.

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i dunno about most girls but LOTR is very likely to put me in a feet in the air kinda mood. viggo mortenson and orlando bloom- yum.

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