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We Thought It Was White Boy Day
by Turtle Jones
Chick flicks. Guy flicks. Chicks with dicks. Welcome to wonderful world of gender based movies! We took the opposite approach. What if a guy watched a chick flick? Vice versa? What would happen? Here we go...
turtle hangs his head low
Ok. Usually I light a cigar after I write and think about what I have done. Face it, alot of this stuff is done late at night and gets sucked into the system before I really look at it. So while this article gives me a chance to think about what I am going to write, it also gives me a chance to suck some nicotine into my lungs. I have finally come to the conclusion that quitting cigarettes while picking up cigar smoking is pretty much the equivalent of a guy who fucks dogs suddenly switching to screwing cats.
Small difference. But really the same. I understand that now. Except now I get people pissed when I fire up a cigar I get to blame it all on the Cubans. Virginia gets a free pass on this one. Commie cigars.
But chick flicks. Sometimes I watch them. I'll admit it. Sometimes girls can only take so much LOTR before they need to get laid. That means you need a chick flick. Football will not get girls legs up in the air. I can say that I have never had my cock bobbed while watching golf, either. There are some sacrifices you have to make to get to the nubbins.
I can make those sacrifices.
So when it comes to those movies, I watch them only because someone will think I'm sensitive. That I really care about anything but her hips buckling on my mouth as I hold her down thinking I am Ricardo Montoblan. I am "Da Boss". I am sucking my "Tattoo".
My god that was vulgar for a Monday morning.
But like I said my favorite chick flick has my favorite actor in it and a lesbian scene so what the fuck?
Let's go with this one.
I have no idea why chicks dig this one. Christ. My mom almost had an orgasm watching Mr. Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore kissing before I told her it was really Whoopi Goldberg kissing her. A few rewinds of the tape and Mom turned white. I mean yeah, it's Whoopi making out with her, but hey, I'll fucking take Charo kissing Aunt Bee from Mayberry as long as my snake spits at the end of the night. You see, I have a very vivid imagination and can make anything into a fantasy. Too bad Aunt Bee is dead or we would have a cool reunion show on the Love Boat. Charo and Aunt Bee. On the Love Boat. Licking nubbins. I would have sticky socks for a week.
My god, that’s vulgar.
So anyways, this movie is cool cause it has Mr. Patrick Swayze in it. The most underrated actor of all time. And he is stressed to get back to his woman. To save her. See dude. Chicks dig that kinda shit. I don't know why. If you show them a movie like this and watch their reactions, it’s like a car wreck with a promise of sex afterwards. You have to watch it to get to the good part.
It's all about the friction during the fiction. - T
Michele gets in on the action
I got off easy here. See, I’m supposed to write about a guy flick I like, while Turtle has to write about a chick flick he likes. I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say this is going to be much harder on him than it is on me.
I’m an action flick kind of girl. I generally don’t go for romances or period pieces or anything that tugs at your heartstring or stars Meg Ryan as a bright yet ditzy woman with love problems.
I like explosions. I like car chases. I like blood and guts and gore and ten state shooting sprees and random, gratuitous violence mixed with random, gratuitous sex.
I like guy flicks.
So, this is easy for me. Or is it? Now I have to pick one movie out of hundreds that I like enough to write about. Ok, I got it.
If you’ve never seen this movie, this is all you need to know: It’s got Christian Slater. Val Kilmer as Elvis. Brad Pitt in one of his briefest, yet best roles. Bronson Pinchott in an absurd scene with cocaine. Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken in one of the most intense scenes every put on film. Samuel Jackson. And Gary Fucking Oldman out villain-ing even himself.
There’s twists and turns and double crossing and drugs and beatings and death and Patricia Arquette beating the fuck out of James Gandolfini. It’s everything I ever wanted in a movie. Because really, if you just give me Gary Oldman and a cool car wreck, I’m set to go. But this thing goes to 11. If good movie scenes were like sex, True Romance would be giving me more multiple orgasms than my last shower head.
Plus, it’s got laughs. And romance.
Yea, ok. It’s a love story. So maybe it is kind of a chick flick.
At least it doesn’t have Meg Ryan.
My name's Elliot, and I'm with the Cub Scouts of America. We're selling uncut cocaine to get to the jamboree. -M
We told you ours.
What are yours?