by Turtle Jones

It's Friday night! Yay! We have new writers coming in and we have new slots filled. This thing is getting bigger by the day. I think FTTW writers are in every time zone in the world now but the one Hawaii is in and we are getting them next. We see what we want and we grab it. If you want to be a part of this, contact us and we can go from there cause this place is only getting bigger. 10-20-06_1454.jpg

We want to say thank you to Josh from Dishful of Metal for sending one of the Editors of FTTW a few bottles of Rooster Sauce as a housewarming present. Thank you Josh. That was a cool thing you didn't have to do, but you did it, and that's cool.

Thank you.

But on with the show. We wouldn't be FTTW without your daily dosage of ramblings that are induced by a strict chili dog diet and lack of sleep. We must go on.

Tonight we are talking about annoyances. Yeah, sure, we are supposed to let it go but sometimes they nail you. Nail you so hard you just can't forget them and make you want to make the motherfucker dance to the tune of automatic weapons.

Well, maybe not that bad.

Annoyances. Name your top three

turtle can't sleep

This one is easy for me. I can open my door and smoke a cigar and find 10 things I hate. I get annoyed easily with things I see. Some things are easy to just notice. Others take a while to think about. But, just for what is going on right now, I'll tell you what annoys me.

Car Horns

Not like in the city where you hear them constantly. These are the ones when someone comes up to pick someone up in the morning. I mean you did buy the damn cell phone for a reason. beep.gifWhy don't you call them instead of blaring the goddamn thing at 5 in the morning. Am I supposed to sit here and go "Hey wait! That one is for me! I need to go!" For christ sake, if you have 6 people beeping their horns at an apartment complex when you don't even remember your cell phone, how the hell are you gonna accomplish anything but waking me up?

People parking in handicap spaces

Say what you want, but I really think it is lame when people park in a spot for 10 minutes cause they "just need to get somebody". I'll admit I do have a bias on this one and living right next to a parking lot doesn't help. I wake up and check FTTW, then go smoke a cigar and watch these people park in and out while I'm sitting on my porch. It annoys me so much. I mean really, I am the first in the public bathrooms to grab the wheelchair stalls but my cock needs space. Medical condition. But, these people just park there cause they are lazy. One day I'm just going to trash one of their cars for this.

Kids paying handball against my bedroom wall

I'm starting to see a theme here. Yes. I hate being woke up. Yes. I can't fall back to sleep.

I think that's the basic theme of FTTW. "I'm done now so don't wake me up." Seems to work for all of us. The thing about handball against the wall is it is so god damn loud. Balls hit my house at like ten in the morning. Jesus, I'm still wondering where I am at ten in the morning. These kids are playing it and somehow my dog is out there with them. I have to wonder if she even came home the night before. Did the dog even come home? And Michele wants me to be her kids step dad. She might wanna rethink that.

But, these balls and these kids annoy the living fuck out of me.

Anyways, things are changing cause soon I'll be living in a house with a full size pool table with an Italian Chef and a French stewardess from Jet Blue with my soul mate right down the street.

And they like dogs.

And you guys think I'm kidding. - T

michele is ready to rock:

Annoying things. Well, I could write all night about this. I’m kind of easily annoyed. Lots of things make my skin crawl, make my head ache, make me want to stab someone in the eyes with a spork and just watch them as they bleed out. It’s not hard to annoy someone who is wound tighter than a duck’s ass.

No, I have no idea what that means.

Let’s just stick to the things that annoyed me today. It’s easier that way. We’d be here all night otherwise.

People who get on the elevator before anyone has gotten off.

I’m on the elevator. Door opens. My floor. I go to get out. About five people standing behind me would like very much to get out too, mostly to get away from the dude who reeks like a five day bender of booze, cigarettes and sweat. But can I get right off the elevator? No. No, I can’t. Why? Because some chick dressed oh-so-appropriately for court in a “Your Boyfriend Says Hi” tshirt and jeans so low you can tell she’s not a natural blonde is pushing her way onto the car before you’ve had a chance to take a single step. Not just pushing on, but doing it with an attitude. Like I was born in her way.

Listen. There are rules here. Unwritten rules, but rules nonetheless. You let people off before you get on. It’s just the way life works. It’s part of these innate things you know from birth. Maybe not everyone will be as tolerant as I was. I only held it in because I had my work ID on. The lady who called you a “skanky, selfish pig” wasn’t as subdued about it as I.

Ok. Next.

Taking up two parking spaces.

This really is a variation on the elevator thing. It’s about selfishness and self-centeredness and thinking that there is no one else in this world except for you. You and your huge ass Hummer or Expedition that you bought because, well, how the fuck else are you going to let the neighbors know you are better than them. Listen, asshole. If you can’t park the thing right, you shouldn’t be driving it.hummer.jpg I mean, if your car is so fucking big that you can’t maneuver it into a single parking spot, then maybe you should be thinking, hey this car probably wasn’t made for trips to Shop Rite for a quart of organic milk. Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look driving through suburbia in a fucking Hummer? Because I’ll tell you, when we see you taking fifteen minutes to get into a spot and you end up just giving up and parking diagonal in two spots instead, we are mocking you. Hard. Especially when you need a fucking stepstool to get out of the damn car.

Oh, and for you other jackholes that park your IROCs in two spots because you think your lame ass car is so fucking special that you need to make an imaginary force field around it? Die in a fire.

Last one.

This didn’t happen today but I was reminded of it by a song I heard.

Concert shit

First of all, don’t come out on stage and say “How you doing tonight New York?” We know where the hell we are. We don’t need you to tell us. And don’t tell us we are the greatest audience you ever played for because half of us were at the show in Philly the night before and we know damn well you used the same line on them. And don’t ask us if we are ready to rock and roll because, really, would we be standing shoulder to shoulder with sweaty strangers in a small club that smells like vomit, piss and stale smoke if we weren’t ready to rock? Just once I’d like to see someone say, Hey no. I just realized I am not, indeed, ready to rock. I’d like go home now. I would applaud that guy. And lastly, the encore. Stop it, ok? All that god damn time you spent listening to the crowd scream your name and stomp their feet? Yea, it’s good for your ego, I know. But you could have spent that time playing another song instead of making us beg and plead like some musical BSDM game. And then you come out and play that song we all knew you were going to play anyhow.

By the way, I hate your most popular song. It’s fucking annoying. - M

So that's what annoys us. Sure some of ours are extremely personal and others are just cause we like to bitch, but they are ours.

What really pisses you off?

Late Night Typing is written by Michele and Turtle, angry individuals who only take it out on those who deserve it.



i hate car horns

i even hate that picture. god, they are annoying


I hate it when people aren't honest. Don't say you are going to call if you don't plan on calling. Just say Bye. Don't say, "Oh we should hang out sometime". You don't mean that shit really so why say it? And by no means tell a person that their child is cute when they clearly aren't. Not all babies are cute and someday as a nation we are all going to have to face the music and instead say,
"Ah, you have a baby!" Rusty nails anyone?


I hate it when people put their email address in their email signature. If I get an email from you, I think I have the address. It just seems like such a waste of time.


1. People, in the year 2006, who are just now getting on the internet. You know who I mean. That Great Aunt who got WebTV from her kids for her birthday. You're Grampa Karl up in da Yoop? Them. The ones that send you every. single. freaking. lame-ass email that you've been cringing and yelling at your computer for for the past 10-11 years. Every single, "Send this on if you love Jesus." post. Every single, "If you agree, you're a real American." post. Every single "Send this on to ten people and you, a kid who's dying in Borah Borah, Mr David Cluck-Cluck Boobassee from Nigeria and Pete Rose will get 10 million dollars from Bill Gates." message.

Pisses you off just thinkin' about it, don't it?

2. And then there's Porn Friend. You know EXACTLY who I mean. The guy or gal that sends you pictures of cocks and tits or pictures of plants or other things that LOOK like cocks and tits. And it's always that person you just don't know that well, so you really can't tell them to piss off, but somehow your name got on their email list and you can't get off it even when you move.

And finally, there's the emails from the ex-girlfriend who thinks you still give a fuck about her life. Sigh. I know, I'm a bastard, you don't have to write back. But if I get one more fucking picture of this chick's kids, family reunion barbeque, or Mom(???!!!) I think I'm going to try and unwind a duck's ass. We broke up 25 years ago! Let it the fuck go!

Thank you, that was quite a nice way to start the day. I almost feel capable of entering a WalMart now.


. The guy or gal that sends you pictures of cocks and tits or pictures of plants or other things that LOOK like cocks and tits

hahha. I have one of those.


Ooh! There's another one - thanks Timmer.

I HATE WAL-MART! I refuse to go there. Refuse.


My smart half is a manager at a local WM. What i really, REALLY hate is people, who, when i tell them that, go on a big ol spiel about WM. I'm all "Stop. I've heard it. And most of what you're about to tell me is not true anyway, but I really don't give a shit." and sometimes it's like they feel sorry for me, but i'm the one who doesn't HAVE TO have a job and spends all her time smoking dope, drinking whiskey and playing music, taking pictures, drawing, and doing whatever the hell i want.


i don't go to walmart simply because the two local stores are dirty, messy and filled with the dregs of society.

I don't get people who go off on the "walmart is evil" thing.

We live in a capitalist society. Deal with it.


Dregs of society is right. I always feel as if I've just landed on another planet.


I hate walmart cuz it's gross. And crowded. And disorganized.


You know when I LOVE WalMart? After 10:30 P.M. and I'm Christmas Shopping for Boyo. It's DEAD in there and you can get the folks stocking the shelves to check to see if they've got stuff in the back for you with no hassle at all. They're happy to help.

Here's to the nightshift at WalMart between now and Christmas. Bud needs to do a "Real American Hero" commercial on them.


Dog shit. On the sidewalk in front of my house. My son's not old enough to know not to step in it and I'm too dumb not to until I've had my coffee....


eXTReMe Tracker