by Turtle Jones
It's Friday night! Yay! We have new writers coming in and we have new slots filled. This thing is getting bigger by the day. I think FTTW writers are in every time zone in the world now but the one Hawaii is in and we are getting them next. We see what we want and we grab it. If you want to be a part of this, contact us and we can go from there cause this place is only getting bigger.
We want to say thank you to Josh from Dishful of Metal for sending one of the Editors of FTTW a few bottles of Rooster Sauce as a housewarming present. Thank you Josh. That was a cool thing you didn't have to do, but you did it, and that's cool.
But on with the show. We wouldn't be FTTW without your daily dosage of ramblings that are induced by a strict chili dog diet and lack of sleep. We must go on.
Tonight we are talking about annoyances. Yeah, sure, we are supposed to let it go but sometimes they nail you. Nail you so hard you just can't forget them and make you want to make the motherfucker dance to the tune of automatic weapons.
Well, maybe not that bad.
Annoyances. Name your top three
turtle can't sleep
This one is easy for me. I can open my door and smoke a cigar and find 10 things I hate. I get annoyed easily with things I see. Some things are easy to just notice. Others take a while to think about. But, just for what is going on right now, I'll tell you what annoys me.
Not like in the city where you hear them constantly. These are the ones when someone comes up to pick someone up in the morning. I mean you did buy the damn cell phone for a reason. Why don't you call them instead of blaring the goddamn thing at 5 in the morning. Am I supposed to sit here and go "Hey wait! That one is for me! I need to go!" For christ sake, if you have 6 people beeping their horns at an apartment complex when you don't even remember your cell phone, how the hell are you gonna accomplish anything but waking me up?
People parking in handicap spaces
Say what you want, but I really think it is lame when people park in a spot for 10 minutes cause they "just need to get somebody". I'll admit I do have a bias on this one and living right next to a parking lot doesn't help. I wake up and check FTTW, then go smoke a cigar and watch these people park in and out while I'm sitting on my porch. It annoys me so much. I mean really, I am the first in the public bathrooms to grab the wheelchair stalls but my cock needs space. Medical condition. But, these people just park there cause they are lazy. One day I'm just going to trash one of their cars for this.
Kids paying handball against my bedroom wall
I'm starting to see a theme here. Yes. I hate being woke up. Yes. I can't fall back to sleep.
I think that's the basic theme of FTTW. "I'm done now so don't wake me up." Seems to work for all of us. The thing about handball against the wall is it is so god damn loud. Balls hit my house at like ten in the morning. Jesus, I'm still wondering where I am at ten in the morning. These kids are playing it and somehow my dog is out there with them. I have to wonder if she even came home the night before. Did the dog even come home? And Michele wants me to be her kids step dad. She might wanna rethink that.
But, these balls and these kids annoy the living fuck out of me.
Anyways, things are changing cause soon I'll be living in a house with a full size pool table with an Italian Chef and a French stewardess from Jet Blue with my soul mate right down the street.
And they like dogs.
And you guys think I'm kidding. - T
michele is ready to rock:
Annoying things. Well, I could write all night about this. I’m kind of easily annoyed. Lots of things make my skin crawl, make my head ache, make me want to stab someone in the eyes with a spork and just watch them as they bleed out. It’s not hard to annoy someone who is wound tighter than a duck’s ass.
No, I have no idea what that means.
Let’s just stick to the things that annoyed me today. It’s easier that way. We’d be here all night otherwise.
People who get on the elevator before anyone has gotten off.
I’m on the elevator. Door opens. My floor. I go to get out. About five people standing behind me would like very much to get out too, mostly to get away from the dude who reeks like a five day bender of booze, cigarettes and sweat. But can I get right off the elevator? No. No, I can’t. Why? Because some chick dressed oh-so-appropriately for court in a “Your Boyfriend Says Hi” tshirt and jeans so low you can tell she’s not a natural blonde is pushing her way onto the car before you’ve had a chance to take a single step. Not just pushing on, but doing it with an attitude. Like I was born in her way.
Listen. There are rules here. Unwritten rules, but rules nonetheless. You let people off before you get on. It’s just the way life works. It’s part of these innate things you know from birth. Maybe not everyone will be as tolerant as I was. I only held it in because I had my work ID on. The lady who called you a “skanky, selfish pig” wasn’t as subdued about it as I.
Taking up two parking spaces.
This really is a variation on the elevator thing. It’s about selfishness and self-centeredness and thinking that there is no one else in this world except for you. You and your huge ass Hummer or Expedition that you bought because, well, how the fuck else are you going to let the neighbors know you are better than them. Listen, asshole. If you can’t park the thing right, you shouldn’t be driving it. I mean, if your car is so fucking big that you can’t maneuver it into a single parking spot, then maybe you should be thinking, hey this car probably wasn’t made for trips to Shop Rite for a quart of organic milk. Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look driving through suburbia in a fucking Hummer? Because I’ll tell you, when we see you taking fifteen minutes to get into a spot and you end up just giving up and parking diagonal in two spots instead, we are mocking you. Hard. Especially when you need a fucking stepstool to get out of the damn car.
Oh, and for you other jackholes that park your IROCs in two spots because you think your lame ass car is so fucking special that you need to make an imaginary force field around it? Die in a fire.
This didn’t happen today but I was reminded of it by a song I heard.
By the way, I hate your most popular song. It’s fucking annoying. - M
So that's what annoys us. Sure some of ours are extremely personal and others are just cause we like to bitch, but they are ours.
What really pisses you off?
Late Night Typing is written by Michele and Turtle, angry individuals who only take it out on those who deserve it.