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The Price is Right, Bitch!
by Michele Christopher
The Price is Right!
Yes! this was an amazing game show. Not only did you get to see someone who cared about you, but mocked you at the same time. Bob would look down on the audience and shame them for not making it up on stage. Almost mocking. You didn't make it therefore you suck. And he was always concerned about dogs and cats. Never got that one, but anyways, lets talk about what we are here to talk about tonight.
Name the Best Game on The Price is Right
and for an added measure
Name the Worst
turtle spins the wheel first.
Well, it's pretty easy for me. I used to watch this game every morning before or after I went to school. Still I watch the reruns. I hoped everyday one game would come on. And when it did, that was magic.
That Game With the Yodeling Guy Climbing Up A Cliff
This was funny. Not only would you lose, but you killed a guy. And you were assulated by yodeling as he was climbing to his death. That was what was cool. The yodeling as the death came closer because you couldn't remember the price of fucking cream cheese. You realized that a man died because you didn't know the price of cream cheese right? He is dead cause those fucking coupons skewed your god damn reality and now we all have to hear this yodeling cause I guess you like saving 30 cents on cream cheese and standing over a dead Swedish climber who just wanted to sing songs to you and climb his mountain. You killed him.
It was always funny watching him fall because the contestants never really got what was going on here.
Yodeling equals death. Cream cheese coupons will kill a man.
Well, at least he is Swedish, but that's beside the point.
The one I hated.
It was that one with the car and the bag where you had to pull out the chips and name what place they where in the line up and if you were wrong the number went back in the bag.
You know it.
That game should have been named "You Are Fucked And You Won't Be Getting A Car Today." The look of excitment of being shown a new car then the look of utter disappointment as they rolled the game out. The look of "Oh. You are so fucked," from the crowd made this game the evil spawn of sperm that it is. This game is completly evil. This was the kid on the block the beat your son up after he won a baseball game. There was no redeming value in the game.
It might be fun to play, but you aren't gonna get anything from it. - T
Michele takes a seat on contestant row:
By writing about this, it's admitting that I watched enough Price is Right to actually have a favorite and least favorite pricing game. Well, yea. I did watch a lot of it. There were times I was unemployed and times when the commute to college was too daunting and I stayed in bed watching tv instead and times when the black cloud of life hovered over me and the only time I would peek out from under the covers was when Bob Barker appeared on my tv or the times when a whole bunch of us were slacking the days after high school away and we'd watch the show through the mind haze of booze and pot. Come on. It's the Price is Right. We all love it. We've all cut out of school at least once and found ourselves watching and waiting for Plinko. You're lying if you say no.
So I'll just be the bigger man out of all of us and go ahead an admit that yea, I had a favorite game.
You thought I was going to say Plinko, didn't you? See, everyone says Plinko. How predictable.
I liked Any Number because of the suspense. Will she get the car? The piggy bank? Ohmygod there's only two numbers left and she can either win A dollar fortysomething or a Toyota Hatchback. Personally, I'd rather have the chump change. But you're looking at the tv. Waiting for her to say the number. She's wringing her hands. Looking back at the audience. Everyone is yelling out numbers. She's got a 9 and a 3 left and some idiots in the peanut gallery are yelling out SEVEN! Do they do that just to fuck her up or are they just not paying attention? Maybe it's the relatives of the person this chick beat to get up here by betting A FUCKING DOLLAR on the bedroom furniture. God damn, I hated those dollar bettors. Fucking cowards. Fun suckers. Bastards. So anyhow, I know what the lady is thinking. Most car prices end in nine. So it's gotta be the nine. But then she thinks, well, they could be fucking with me. Making me think it ends in nine when it really ends in three. Bob is looking at her like, let's get a move on lady, this show needs to end so I can go backstage and get my daily blowjob from Janice. You didn't know that? How do you think she kept her job? I mean, they made her assist on that yodeling game the day after her husband went missing in the Swiss Alps. If that doesn't say "We hate you and you better suck Bob's old, decrepit penis just to keep your job," I don't know what does.
So. The lady says three.
The piggy bank lights up.
Bob Barker fucks a stranger in the ass for fun and profit, again. God bless Bob Barker.
So as much as we had favorite games, we all had those games we hated, too. Those games where they would announce it and the audience would groan and the contestant would look really disappointed and Bob would look like "fuck you, it's my show and if I want you to play shitty games that are impossible to win and are designed to just make you look like the stupid hick you are, I'll fucking do it." Bob is a man of many faces. "You are an idiot." "I hope you lose." "Man, your tits bounced real sweet on the way up here." "Suck my dick, Janice." Bob is a horny old man. And mean, too. One time, Bob thought up a game called Shoot The Granny, where they would call up some grandma looking person to COME ON DOWN! and as she approached the contestant row, all the other contestants that were already sitting would turn around and aim Official Price is Right shotguns right at Granny and start shooting. Whoever pegged her, won the round and would get to spin the motherfucking wheel. They only played this game once, on September 15, 1978, before the anti-gun lobby threatened to shut down Bob Barker's empire.
Ok. My least favorite game.
Ok, I told you, I was not at my best when I watched this show. These things may or may not have happened. I'll be damned if I know if they are true or not. But it's what I saw on my tv. -M
Michele and Turtle like to sit around the house and say PLINKO! repeatedly.