The Price is Right, Bitch!
by Michele Christopher

The Price is Right!

Yes! this was an amazing game show. Not only did you get to see someone who cared about you, but mocked you at the same time. Bob would look down on the audience and shame them for not making it up on stage. Almost mocking. You didn't make it therefore you suck. And he was always concerned about dogs and cats. Never got that one, but anyways, lets talk about what we are here to talk about tonight.

Name the Best Game on The Price is Right

and for an added measure

Name the Worst

turtle spins the wheel first.

Well, it's pretty easy for me. I used to watch this game every morning before or after I went to school. Still I watch the reruns. I hoped everyday one game would come on. And when it did, that was magic.

My favorite.

That Game With the Yodeling Guy Climbing Up A Cliffcliff6.JPG

This was funny. Not only would you lose, but you killed a guy. And you were assulated by yodeling as he was climbing to his death. That was what was cool. The yodeling as the death came closer because you couldn't remember the price of fucking cream cheese. You realized that a man died because you didn't know the price of cream cheese right? He is dead cause those fucking coupons skewed your god damn reality and now we all have to hear this yodeling cause I guess you like saving 30 cents on cream cheese and standing over a dead Swedish climber who just wanted to sing songs to you and climb his mountain. You killed him.

It was always funny watching him fall because the contestants never really got what was going on here.

Yodeling equals death. Cream cheese coupons will kill a man.

Well, at least he is Swedish, but that's beside the point.

The one I hated.

Three Strikes

It was that one with the car and the bag where you had to pull out the chips and name what place they where in the line up and if you were wrong the number went back in the bag.

You know it.

That game should have been named "You Are Fucked And You Won't Be Getting A Car Today." The look of excitment of being shown a new car then the look of utter disappointment as they rolled the game out. The look of "Oh. You are so fucked," from the crowd made this game the evil spawn of sperm that it is. This game is completly evil. This was the kid on the block the beat your son up after he won a baseball game. There was no redeming value in the game.

It might be fun to play, but you aren't gonna get anything from it. - T

Michele takes a seat on contestant row:

By writing about this, it's admitting that I watched enough Price is Right to actually have a favorite and least favorite pricing game. Well, yea. I did watch a lot of it. There were times I was unemployed and times when the commute to college was too daunting and I stayed in bed watching tv instead and times when the black cloud of life hovered over me and the only time I would peek out from under the covers was when Bob Barker appeared on my tv or the times when a whole bunch of us were slacking the days after high school away and we'd watch the show through the mind haze of booze and pot. Come on. It's the Price is Right. We all love it. We've all cut out of school at least once and found ourselves watching and waiting for Plinko. You're lying if you say no.

So I'll just be the bigger man out of all of us and go ahead an admit that yea, I had a favorite game.

Any Number


You thought I was going to say Plinko, didn't you? See, everyone says Plinko. How predictable.

I liked Any Number because of the suspense. Will she get the car? The piggy bank? Ohmygod there's only two numbers left and she can either win A dollar fortysomething or a Toyota Hatchback. Personally, I'd rather have the chump change. But you're looking at the tv. Waiting for her to say the number. She's wringing her hands. Looking back at the audience. Everyone is yelling out numbers. She's got a 9 and a 3 left and some idiots in the peanut gallery are yelling out SEVEN! Do they do that just to fuck her up or are they just not paying attention? Maybe it's the relatives of the person this chick beat to get up here by betting A FUCKING DOLLAR on the bedroom furniture. God damn, I hated those dollar bettors. Fucking cowards. Fun suckers. Bastards. So anyhow, I know what the lady is thinking. Most car prices end in nine. So it's gotta be the nine. But then she thinks, well, they could be fucking with me. Making me think it ends in nine when it really ends in three. Bob is looking at her like, let's get a move on lady, this show needs to end so I can go backstage and get my daily blowjob from Janice. You didn't know that? How do you think she kept her job? I mean, they made her assist on that yodeling game the day after her husband went missing in the Swiss Alps. If that doesn't say "We hate you and you better suck Bob's old, decrepit penis just to keep your job," I don't know what does.

So. The lady says three.

The piggy bank lights up.

Bob Barker fucks a stranger in the ass for fun and profit, again. God bless Bob Barker.

So as much as we had favorite games, we all had those games we hated, too. Those games where they would announce it and the audience would groan and the contestant would look really disappointed and Bob would look like "fuck you, it's my show and if I want you to play shitty games that are impossible to win and are designed to just make you look like the stupid hick you are, I'll fucking do it." Bob is a man of many faces. "You are an idiot." "I hope you lose." "Man, your tits bounced real sweet on the way up here." "Suck my dick, Janice." Bob is a horny old man. And mean, too. One time, Bob thought up a game called Shoot The Granny, where they would call up some grandma looking person to COME ON DOWN! and as she approached the contestant row, all the other contestants that were already sitting would turn around and aim Official Price is Right shotguns right at Granny and start shooting. Whoever pegged her, won the round and would get to spin the motherfucking wheel. They only played this game once, on September 15, 1978, before the anti-gun lobby threatened to shut down Bob Barker's empire.

Ok. My least favorite game.

Three Strikes


This game is like the antithesis of Any Number. Same concept, where you have to fill in numbers to win a prize. Except there was only one prize. And instead of picking the numbers out of your own head, you grabbed them out of a bag. And in the bag were three Xs. Do you know the sound an X makes when it surfaces from the bag? BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. For a PIR contestant, I don't think there is a sound so full of mockery. It's like you are standing there in front of an audience of thousands, maybe millions, and this BZZZZZZZZZZ is sounding and suddenly that cardboard X is like a finger pointing at you and saying LOSER! And that's only the first BZZZZZZ. The second time you get an X, it's more like Bob has invoked his buddy Satan and Satan is standing on stage next to you saying something like "When you die and get to the pearly gates, God is going to be so fucking disappointed in you for blowing this game, that you know what sound you will hear? That's right. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. See you in hell!" And then the third BZZZZZZZZ comes and you know that you have failed at the Price is Right, failed at life and it seems like the whole studio audience, plus Bob and Janice and the other chicks and the people on contestants row are all standing up saying BZZZZZZZZZ and you think, god damn, I should not have snorted Sudafed before I came up on stage. And then Bob whispers in your ear that all is not lost. You can "come on down" with him anytime, if you catch his drift. Wink, wink. You notice that Bob is sporting a bit of the hard on there and you look down at his crotch and then up at him and tell him, hey bob, maybe you want to spay or neuter that thing before it bites someone.

Ok, I told you, I was not at my best when I watched this show. These things may or may not have happened. I'll be damned if I know if they are true or not. But it's what I saw on my tv. -M

Michele and Turtle like to sit around the house and say PLINKO! repeatedly.



Great post.

I loved the Price is Right. I remember the many days I would stay home from school and I always watched this, unless I accidentally slept through it. The rest of the day was generally a waste, unless I got to watch a very special episode of Saved by the Bell in which Jessie got addicted to caffeine pills that apparently were filled with fucking crack, or maybe Zack had to learn to love a fat girl.

Otherwise, it was Scooby Doo cartoons, which creeped me the hell out for some reason, or Cubs baseball, which just didn't do it for me. (Oh, what would daytime TV be without WGN?)

But oh how I loved Price is Right. And yes, Three Strikes was an evil, evil game. And yes, also, the people who bid a dollar were terrible people. I also hated those assholes who would bid one dollar over somebody else's bid. Have some balls, for god's sake, and come up with your own number. Those people who made those bids also, it seemed, usually grinned in a way that looked like they were taking a painful shit because they knew they were scum (or maybe were just afraid of the other contestant jumping them in a back alley after the show.) I think that made me hate them more.

There was also the fun with the final showcases, in which one was always a new living room set while the other package was a yacht, a private island, eight cars and a beautiful man/woman ready and willing to do whatever despicable sex act you wanted (personally tested and approved by Bob himself.) I always wondered what was wrong with the people who had the choice to skip the living room or bedroom set and go to the good package but bid on it anyway. Had they never seen the damn show before? Maybe their couch had recently collapsed. I don't know.

Ah, Price is Right. Those were the days.


I always liked the end of the show, when the showcases came on, and one or both would come with a stupid story, acted out by the bob-ettes. Aren't they Known as "Barker Beauties?"


Well, at least he is Swedish, but that's beside the point.

Actually, he was probably Swiss. I know I'm a dick for pointing that out, but what can I say? I'm a stickler for details.

I always liked the Clock Game, because there are two kinds of players: those who are methodical and know how to win, and those who are just completely fucking random and shout out any number that comes to mind. The latter are often my favorite type of contestants--senile old people who simultaneously seem to love the show and have absolutely no clue as to how any of the games actually work.


aren't swedish and swiss people the same?


I need to do more research before I write these


I watched the show all the time as a kid and I can't remember the name of a single game.

I guess I like the one where they had to match a price with a product. That was OK.


Switzerland. Sweden.

I can't remember any of the games, either.


My favorite Price is Right game wasn't played very often but on the rare occasion when they would play it I would squeal with a girl

a gleeful girl.

The name of the game was called: Hit Bob Barker in the head with a 20 pound sledge and you win a prize.

Shit, that may have just been a dream I had - because when I hit him his head exploded forth with candy and booze. Much like a pinata.


Bob Barker is my hero - getting sued for sexual harrassment north of 70 years old? Pure awesome.

Actually the thing I like best about Price is Right is that the whole show (except for the actual prizes and contenstants) seems like it was sealed in amber in 1968. The music, the set design, even the concept of "Barker Beauties" are totally late 60s, and hopefully they'll never screw with them as long as Bob's still the host.

Favorite game: I'm going with Turtle, I always loved the yodeler game (Cliff Hangers, I think is the name). Especially because it always reaffirmed my obvious superiority over the morons they had on as contestants.

Least favorite: I have to go with Three Strikes as well (although I looked up a page listing every pricing game ever to make sure first). The difficulty just seems off-the-scale unfair, and everyone knows it, which is probably why it mostly comes up when a car is the prize.


Aren't they Known as "Barker Beauties?"

they are known as those only when Bob wants to be sued again


eXTReMe Tracker