There Be Some Scary Guitarists
by Michele Christopher
You know, rock and roll guitarists are, for the most part, pasty, skinny dudes with little muscle tone who got beat up a lot in high school. Maybe it’s the dedication to their instrument (yeah, right) or all the drugs (ding-ding-ding), but whatever the case, there are a lot of scrawny six stringers out here.
And then there are the exceptions to that rule. Fat, built or just plain not-scrawny, there are many guitarists that don’t fit the stereotype that Eddie Van Halen and Randy Rhodes set. And then there are those, who for some reason or another (or several) have gone beyond the pale in contrast to the typical guitarist image. So, in this Halloween themed edition of BIAAtG, I present the following list of scary guitarists.
1. Zakk Wylde
This is what Zakk used to look like in his early days with Ozzy.
This is what he looks like now:
He went from someone who looks like they might have been the prison bitch to looking like the prison butch. It’s not hard for me to believe that Zakk regularly gets wasted and kicks people in the head. Maybe he doesn’t, but it’s a fun thing to think about. Especially if the kick-ees are members of Def Leppard and especially if it’s that one-armed drummer dude because that would be damn funny.
Scott Ian is not scary himself, but it has been said that his goatee has developed a consciousness and that when Scott sleeps the goatee roams the Earth seeking the blood of the innocent.
Did you ever see that episode of the Tick where the Tick gets a mustache and it begins dragging him around and doing stuff in his sleep and it turns out that the mustache has sentience and it winds up hooking up with a dude who has a sentient beard? Well, Scott’s goatee is like that. Except it’s like if the goatee from that episode was a Dr. Frankenstein goatee and created a monster goatee on Scott’s face. That’s what this is like.
We should all fear that goatee. I mean, have you seen an episode of VH1’s I Love the XXs lately? You remember that dude who used to do that thing? Haven’t seen him in a while have you? It was the goatee dude.
Admit it. You find that blank, plastic face and KFC bucket combination disturbing. And that’s not an easy thing to do. I mean, just look at Slipknot. There’s a bunch of guys that proved to us that just by putting on scary masks and playing hardcore metal doesn’t make you any less of a dork. Idiots. But I digress.
A KFC bucket and a damn plastic mask. I mean, it just feels like this is a guy who’d be backing up Michael Myers in Halloween: A Very Guitar Massacre or some shit. Add to that that the guy’s a really good guitarist and you have a freaking creepy combination.
4. C.C. DeVille
Come on. Do I really have to say anything here? I didn’t think so.
5. Keith Richards
Definitive proof that the walking dead exist. Although the dude is scary as fuck, and looks like he smells really bad, you gotta hand it to a guy that risks total evisceration by sunlight to put on a show for his fans.
Kerry King of Slayer, for the exact same reason as Scott Ian, except that Ian’s goatee kicked the shit out King’s beard and therefore won the spot on the list. Chris Holmes from WASP, cause anyone who could survive both drinking that much and that scene in Decline of Western Civilization Part II deserves to be feared. Dave Mustaine because anyone who can be that much of a prick and still put out music that damn good is pretty spooky. Joe Perry of Aerosmith, there is some doubt as to his walking dead status but you should probably stake his heart just to be safe.
Cullen is the best looking guitarist this side of the Mississippi. He writes daily over here.