There Be Some Scary Guitarists
by Michele Christopher

You know, rock and roll guitarists are, for the most part, pasty, skinny dudes with little muscle tone who got beat up a lot in high school. Maybe it’s the dedication to their instrument (yeah, right) or all the drugs (ding­-ding-ding), but whatever the case, there are a lot of scrawny six stringers out here.

And then there are the exceptions to that rule. Fat, built or just plain not-scrawny, there are many guitarists that don’t fit the stereotype that Eddie Van Halen and Randy Rhodes set. And then there are those, who for some reason or another (or several) have gone beyond the pale in contrast to the typical guitarist image. So, in this Halloween themed edition of BIAAtG, I present the following list of scary guitarists.

1. Zakk Wylde

This is what Zakk used to look like in his early days with Ozzy.

This is what he looks like now:

He went from someone who looks like they might have been the prison bitch to looking like the prison butch. It’s not hard for me to believe that Zakk regularly gets wasted and kicks people in the head. Maybe he doesn’t, but it’s a fun thing to think about. Especially if the kick-ees are members of Def Leppard and especially if it’s that one-armed drummer dude because that would be damn funny.

2.Scott Ian
Scott Ian is not scary himself, but it has been said that his goatee has developed a consciousness and that when Scott sleeps the goatee roams the Earth seeking the blood of the innocent.

Did you ever see that episode of the Tick where the Tick gets a mustache and it begins dragging him around and doing stuff in his sleep and it turns out that the mustache has sentience and it winds up hooking up with a dude who has a sentient beard? Well, Scott’s goatee is like that. Except it’s like if the goatee from that episode was a Dr. Frankenstein goatee and created a monster goatee on Scott’s face. That’s what this is like.

We should all fear that goatee. I mean, have you seen an episode of VH1’s I Love the XXs lately? You remember that dude who used to do that thing? Haven’t seen him in a while have you? It was the goatee dude.

3. Buckethead

Admit it. You find that blank, plastic face and KFC bucket combination disturbing. And that’s not an easy thing to do. I mean, just look at Slipknot. There’s a bunch of guys that proved to us that just by putting on scary masks and playing hardcore metal doesn’t make you any less of a dork. Idiots. But I digress.

A KFC bucket and a damn plastic mask. I mean, it just feels like this is a guy who’d be backing up Michael Myers in Halloween: A Very Guitar Massacre or some shit. Add to that that the guy’s a really good guitarist and you have a freaking creepy combination.

4. C.C. DeVille

Come on. Do I really have to say anything here? I didn’t think so.

5. Keith Richards

Definitive proof that the walking dead exist. Although the dude is scary as fuck, and looks like he smells really bad, you gotta hand it to a guy that risks total evisceration by sunlight to put on a show for his fans.
Honorable Mentions:
Kerry King of Slayer, for the exact same reason as Scott Ian, except that Ian’s goatee kicked the shit out King’s beard and therefore won the spot on the list. Chris Holmes from WASP, cause anyone who could survive both drinking that much and that scene in Decline of Western Civilization Part II deserves to be feared. Dave Mustaine because anyone who can be that much of a prick and still put out music that damn good is pretty spooky. Joe Perry of Aerosmith, there is some doubt as to his walking dead status but you should probably stake his heart just to be safe.


Cullen is the best looking guitarist this side of the Mississippi. He writes daily over here.



guitarists have broke the ugly stick


The current incarnation of Eddie Van Halen is the scariest thing ever.


There’s a bunch of guys that proved to us that just by putting on scary masks and playing hardcore metal doesn’t make you any less of a dork.

I've seen them without their masks on.

They are dorks.


Wow. Scary. Very appropriate for Halloween!



I posted that picture of Eddie on my blog a while ago and made fun of him. Then I found out he had cancer and I felt kinda sorry for him for a minute.


Imagine if some of these guys got together and formed a supergroup. The vortex of spooky would engulf the world.


Next up: What our Supergroup could sing about...


I just want to go on record as saying that EVH is a god in our home.

But really. That's kinda letting yourself go there, Eddie. Plus, he's just been a dick in general lately.


Ok. If you guys come up with an ALL UGLY supergroup, I will do some mad photoshopping.

We'll have an album cover ready by this afternoon.


Bassist - Geddy Lee or Lemmy
Drummer - Nicko McBrain or Ginger Baker
Guitarist - Any of the above
Lead Singer - Iggy Pop or Shane McGowan
Shout Out Man - Flavor Flav


Drummer: Robo
Bass: Billy Sheehan
Guitar: Above
Singer: Seal


Not ugly per se, spooky. Geddy Lee is just ugle and Lemmy is beyond reproach. Billy Sheehan however is spooky lookin' AND a $cientologist.


I seem to be noticing alot of people saying Lemmy is ugly or scary.

I think Lemmy looks cool.

but thats just me


and as far as Superbands of scaryness

it's already been done

4 non blondes


//it's already been done

4 non blondes//

I think that was the Superband of suck.


The "all-ugly super group" needs a name. Also, I agree that it would be funny for the one armed drummer to get his ass kicked. Cripples who have overcome adversity in ways that I don't particularly enjoy getting kicked back down into adversity rocks. Somebody should make an inspirational documentary on that subject.


"all-ugly super group" needs a name

ELO? Meshuggah?


I'll vote for Ace Frehley. Here he is in my Halloween Supergroup called "Reese's Skidmark":

Shane MacGowan (The Pogues)
Ace Frehley (Kiss)
Geddy Lee (Rush)
Bill Ward (Black Sabbath)




And they say us micks don't get prettier as we get older...

Ha! I say...


Geez. Geddy Lee doesn't look half bad next to the rest...God, did I just say that?


Please reconsider the bloodcurdling mullet.


The mullet is still better than bad teeth. Ugg. That mouth just screams bad breath. *shudder*


I'm collecting guitar tutorials videos and its clear to me now that Randy Rhoads influenced way more bad hair stylists than guitarists.

hey guys, lets call the band "The Spraynets"

cool text Cullen, thanks!


There (i thought i had lost the picture), thats the one i was looking for. Want an ugly rockstar with a bad hairdo, heres one of my fav.
can you imagine looking back on your life and having to face this? poor guy...


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