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by Jay Scott
So I was thinking about what I was going to write about this week, and had writers block all week long. I couldn’t write anything. All these ideas and then the old hard drive freezes. So then I went over a few notes I had made and couldn’t make anything out of them. What the fuck was I thinking with notes like:
The Monkey Story
So here I am with writers block again. It’s the suckiest suck that ever sucked. I hate writers block. Its not like you set down to write a letter to your Granny whatsherface and suddenly, writers block. Dear Grandma, I was just writing to….oh fuck, I cant think of anything to write.
I wanted to just throw out something I think we all have a thought about. Film Clichés. Yup. To cure my writers block, I am going to talk about the thing that we all agree on. Clichés.
Dumb Ass Horror Film Gimmick
You know. Scary storm. Girl in panties and a see through tank top, all alone. Its raining, but for some reason the house she’s in the only fucking house in the entire god dam town that still has fuse from the turn of the century. Jesus H. So power goes out, and dumbass needs to go to the shed/basement/moon to replace a fuse. I have yet to meet a single human being who would do that. Most people would just say fuck that, I aint going in that dark ass shed. So Its good to know most chicks are not that stupid. Then again, someone is buying Paris Hiltons CD, so I could be wrong.
WTF is that bullshit. Most times in life its boy meets girl, boy acts like a total dipshit, boy loses girl, boy bangs the next chick dumb enough to go out with the asshat who blew it with the first girl., girl moves on and marries a doctor and has babies and forgets all about boy. If its girl meets girl, well then cue the 70’s funk music. Giggity Giggty!
I don’t really get this about films. Yeah, I know chicks dig, well chick flicks, but lets get real. If some dude leaves a clever note on your car, or becomes a secret admirer, well we call that stalking. Also of note, why do chicks buy into this? They spend most of their time fucking blowing off (not in a good way) the decent guys and hooking up with the dipshit no matter how much of an ass he is. Even after he fucks the other girl. But hey, who the hell am I to judge. I just wish chick flicks would get real. Enough making guys think you end up with the good guy if he stays true and good. Yeah, I have issues. Fuck off.
Bad Guy Reveals All
Hey Super Villains. Shut the fuck up with the storytelling about how your plan works. Apparently these bad guys have never seen a movie. Ever. All that technology in the “Super Villain Lair of Doom” and they don’t get HBO? That really bugs me. If I became a Super Villain, I’d shoot first and write a book about it later. Infact, I wouldn’t do a lot of talking to the hero. Nope. You know the deal.
Hero: “Before you kill me, tell me how you did it”
Puppy/Cat/Horse Gets Home
You have seen the one where the cute animals makes that journey across the country to get back to little Timmy. Yeah, right. Tell that to the poor kid in Louisiana trying to get his dog back from some asshats in another state who ended up with his pet, but lost him because of the worst fucking natural disaster in history. That dog isn’t trying to go anywhere but to sleep all day. Google it. True Story.
I’m sure there are many more, but by now your probably thinking I phoned this in anyways. Writers block. If it were a movie, I get a neat montage right now, showing me pacing, doing funny things around the house, singing in the shower, more pacing, tossing pens in the sir, the Eureka, and idea. Yeah, No montage here. Just the end to another long day.
So there ya have it, this weeks little slice of heaven. I did star writing this week on a screenplay I have been bouncing around in my head for a few years. So I work slow. Whatever. As always, hate mail gets read first. Otherwise, leave a comment so I know at least 2 of my 3 readers read this. Hey, is it ironic that I wrote a whole thing about writers block because I had writers block? Ironic indeed!