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You Know Elvis Can Eat A Whole Turkey
by Turtle Jones
Well, it seems the Halloween theme has started early here at FTTW. Themes and stories and all that kind of stuff coming on already. But, we here at LNT always have to think. What's something new to do? That won't be covered by everyone else?
Yes. The ones you love to hate. The ones where years later you can look at your friends and tell them that you knew it wasn't true. Laugh at them cause you always knew it was fake. These are our favorite urban legends.
What are yours?
turtle writes on the mirror with lipstick first.
What are mine? I have been entertained my whole life with urban legends. They have always made me smile. I love snopes and all those sites. Upon looking over all the ones I was thinking about, one stuck out. This called me.
Oh like you didn't know this was coming.
Elvis is alive
I'm going to be the first to say yes, Elvis is alive.
This is not a rumor. I speak the truth. He walks among us common folk. He speads his word to all who need to hear his message. There are many things about Elvis you don't know. Proof that he is still among his flock. Elvis walks the street at night talking to the common folk preaching his hatred of Mariah Carey while he works for the highway repair department during the day. The amount of amphetamines, or "his little babies", that Elvis has consumed over his lifetime has turned him into a super charged never dyin' burnin' hunk of highway helper. This is not the '68 Elvis. Recognizing him is not easy. He is the one with the hand that shakes and complains about his first born son as he hits the road crew and puts on his orange vest, determined to rid the world of his spawn. Or at least help the suspension of the cars of his flock.
Elvis could fix potholes and fix your soul.
If you don't believe his corrupt seed is still destroying rock and roll, look at K-Fed. Look at Jessica Simpson. That was his seed hitting the insides of the very heart of rock and roll and turning it out like a beer with a cigarette butt in it. You see the thing with Elvis is, he knows he is doing it, but needs to gather his army to take over heaven. It's like god is punishing him for all his years of sin and he is forced to pick up trailer trash every night and enter their doublewide. To take over heaven and finally die.
Forced to walk the streets at night and work on the highway during the day.
Elvis is everywhere. - T
*all of turtles theories and books can be purchased at www.iamfuckingtired.com
Michele shows you proof.
I love a scary story. I especially when I’m told a scary story by someone who completely believes that story is true. And at the end of their tale, I tell them to go to snopes.com. Really, the look of disappointment on their face is entertaining. “So you mean no kid was abducted and had his organs cut out and replaced with sheep organs and was sold on the black market to the president of a well known police organization for use as a sacrifice to Satan?” “No.” “Damn.” Truly. Being disappointed because your story about a child being tortured isn’t true? Idiot. And I know. You heard it from your cousin whose best friend’s brother’s math teacher knows the uncle of the baseball coach of the kid who was kidnapped. Impeccable sources there, buddy.
I think I’m such a skeptic now because I was fed such bullshit when I was a kid. Every scary, creepy or shocking story every told to me turned out to be a sack of lies. It’s not that I wanted it to be true that earwigs crawled in some lady’s head and had a million babies in her brain, I was just pissed that these people lied to me. They told me they knew someone who knew someone who saw this shit happen. Or who lived next door to where it happened. So not only did I believe them (why would my babysitter lie to me?) but I passed these stories on to other people. I put my reputation on the line because I thought Bubble Yum was really made of spider legs. Fuckers.
But hey, most of these stories are still around. And people are still believing them. That’s why I get seven emails a day from my mother warning me about some thing that has been debunked 500 times already. “Mom. Dad told us that when I was like seven. And I found out it wasn’t true when I was ten. Get with the times.” Just because “oven” has been changed to “microwave” and “the kids from Life cereal” has been replaced by “the kid from Wonder Years” doesn’t mean they are any truer than they were back in the 70's.
One of my other favorite legends isn’t creepy or scary at all. Just funny in retrospect. It has to do with Rod Stewart, Elton John, a stomach pump and a gallon of sperm. But I’m sure you have heard some variation on that. Here’s my favorite urban legend:
A couple goes out during the day for whatever reason, and hires a neighbor to watch their baby. The neighbor is a young, dirty hippie who has a young, dirty hippie boyfriend. They tell the hippie couple, "hey, think you could throw this turkey in the oven for us at 4:00? kthnxbye." And they go out. And the dirty hippie teenagers smoke some of that evil wacky weed and get really, really stoned. At 4:00 they remember about the turkey and put it in the oven.
Later, the couple comes home. Smells something cooking. But hey, what’s this? Why is the raw turkey still on the counter? What’s that cooking in the oven? And why does it smell so much like burning...............OHMYGOD THE HIPPIES COOKED MY BABY!
Yea, dude. They put the baby in the oven.
I don’t know about you, but I never in my life smoked pot that was so powerful that I would mistake a baby for a turkey. However, having been only about ten when I heard this and still two years away from my first taste of Columbian Gold, I was amazed not at the fact that the baby was cooked alive, but that pot could do that to you. So I said that to my babysitter, who had told me the story. She sighed. Shook her head. “Little one. The moral of this story has nothing to do with the way marijuana can take over your brain. It’s about hippies. Dirty hippies who take drugs and say things like 'fuck the establishment, man.' You can’t trust them. Hippies are evil and will eat your children.”
“But, they didn’t eat the kid.”
So what’s your favorite? Which urban legends gave you a bit of a scare when you were a kid? Or still scares you. The guy with the hook? The couple who ran out of gas? The mysterious hitchhiker? Richard Gere’s gerbils?
Oh, and when you go to bed tonight, check your pillow for earwigs before you sleep.