As I’m writing this it’s one thirty in the morning and I’m nursing a hangover because my friends and I decided the best way to start a Saturday was with binge drinking at a shitty little dive bar in Northern California. While I was downing my third shot of Jameson whiskey before noon I checked my email on my phone to see that the good folks here at FTTW had emailed me back regarding my proposal to be a contributing author. Note to FTTW staff: Yes, during the entire email exchange between us that fateful day where you asked me to write a weekly column here I was absolutely shit faced hammered. Fortunately, for me, when they were handing out geek super powers I was given the ability to write emails, on a tiny phone keypad, flawlessly whilst inebriated. That’s how I roll.

In order to understand how this is all going to play out you must first have a basic understanding of who I am, how I found FTTW and what I plan to put here.
-My name is Travis-

I was born and raised in Sacramento, CA and, thusly, still believe it to be one of the best places on the face of the earth. I’m six feet, three inches tall, average build, angry and sarcastic most of the time. I drink too much coffee and liquor and I’m a firm believer that the second you expose yourself to anything beyond your control you forfeit the right to be offended. I’m twenty six years old, but I act like I am twelve as often as possible. I think a lot of people take themselves way too seriously. I’ve done public speaking since I was ten years old and, accordingly, find myself with the succinct ability to prove any point that I set my mind to. I also find, however, that a well placed use of the word FUCK can sometimes get your point across even better. I believe I have a unique and sardonic sense of humor that gives me a radical perspective on life. (not radical as in outstandingly different, but radical like the way the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles use the word. I’m that kind of radical) Currently I work as personal security for some important people in California, but due to security reasons I can’t say whom. I have been fortunate enough in my life to participate in anything that has ever caught my interest, including but not limited to: comic book illustration, writing, directing, acting, playing in several bands (several = 2), public speaking, and amateur professional wrestling.

I stumbled upon Faster Than The World – I love that expression “Stumbled Upon” by the way, it’s a holdover that applies itself oddly to the internet; as if I was walking down the street, slipped, tripped, and my dick fell into this magical world of the interweb. As I was saying: I came across Faster Than The World completely because of the chick over at rockstarmommy . If you’d like to start placing blame anywhere, you can start with her. Like any honest writer on the internet I was envious of her traffic and begged and pleaded with her to link my site. I also bribed her by attaching a picture of Optimus Prime beating Yanni to death with a fake wiener and a sculpture of Pac-Man that I had made out of leftovers from a dinner at Chevy’s.

Obviously, as you can see, my penchant for making first impressions, in the worst of possible ways, has gotten me far in life. I was reading her site one day when she linked to an article she had written over here. After further inspection I decided that I would throw my name into the hat and fired off this email.

To The Good Kind Folks at Faster Than the World –

My name is Travis and I am interested in writing for your site. I am a loud mouth, opinionated, alcoholic misanthrope with a penchant for derisively spouting my mouth off with little or no concern for the repercussions (if I had a press packet, that quote would totally be in there – but written in the third person to give it credence and credibility)

I currently run a website – www.howtokillpeople.com – where I run my mouth off on a number of topics.

I proceeded to link a list of articles I had written and, probably going against their better judgment, they accepted. And it’s that acceptance email that I answered, while shit faced hammered, that has lead me to write this introduction.

And the final piece of the puzzle: What am I going to do with this allotted space? After running my website for a little over two years I decided that I would start a “blog” and in doing so I sat down and wrote out a manifesto …and less than six months later I find myself repeating that very act. I’ll be honest and say that I am basically going to wing it until I find my stride here. I will endeavor not to duplicate material that is posted on How To Kill People because nothing sucks more than turning on the television and finding the same program on several channels. That is, of course, unless it’s something important, like an address from the President or the all Playboy Playmate episode of Fear Factor. Sometimes material that I think is of interest or noteworthy will cross over to here and sometimes I will use this as a means of expanding upon thoughts I’ve brought up elsewhere, but for the most part this will be all new and original stuff – although I’ve been told that I’m not allowed to photoshop fake wieners onto pictures of any of the staff or other contributing writers…but sometimes, in order to get your material out there, you have to sacrifice the little things.

Now if you’ll excuse me, the sun is starting to come up, my eyes are burning and I’m pretty sure that my liver is attempting to secede from the union that is my internal organs.

Travis

Travis is currently seeking enlightenment at the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels and a three day trial membership to clubjenna.com

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