My Name is Travis
by Michele Christopher
As I’m writing this it’s one thirty in the morning and I’m nursing a hangover because my friends and I decided the best way to start a Saturday was with binge drinking at a shitty little dive bar in Northern California. While I was downing my third shot of Jameson whiskey before noon I checked my email on my phone to see that the good folks here at FTTW had emailed me back regarding my proposal to be a contributing author. Note to FTTW staff: Yes, during the entire email exchange between us that fateful day where you asked me to write a weekly column here I was absolutely shit faced hammered. Fortunately, for me, when they were handing out geek super powers I was given the ability to write emails, on a tiny phone keypad, flawlessly whilst inebriated. That’s how I roll.
In order to understand how this is all going to play out you must first have a basic understanding of who I am, how I found FTTW and what I plan to put here.
I stumbled upon Faster Than The World – I love that expression “Stumbled Upon” by the way, it’s a holdover that applies itself oddly to the internet; as if I was walking down the street, slipped, tripped, and my dick fell into this magical world of the interweb. As I was saying: I came across Faster Than The World completely because of the chick over at rockstarmommy . If you’d like to start placing blame anywhere, you can start with her. Like any honest writer on the internet I was envious of her traffic and begged and pleaded with her to link my site. I also bribed her by attaching a picture of Optimus Prime beating Yanni to death with a fake wiener and a sculpture of Pac-Man that I had made out of leftovers from a dinner at Chevy’s.
Obviously, as you can see, my penchant for making first impressions, in the worst of possible ways, has gotten me far in life. I was reading her site one day when she linked to an article she had written over here. After further inspection I decided that I would throw my name into the hat and fired off this email.
To The Good Kind Folks at Faster Than the World –
I proceeded to link a list of articles I had written and, probably going against their better judgment, they accepted. And it’s that acceptance email that I answered, while shit faced hammered, that has lead me to write this introduction.
And the final piece of the puzzle: What am I going to do with this allotted space? After running my website for a little over two years I decided that I would start a “blog” and in doing so I sat down and wrote out a manifesto …and less than six months later I find myself repeating that very act. I’ll be honest and say that I am basically going to wing it until I find my stride here. I will endeavor not to duplicate material that is posted on How To Kill People because nothing sucks more than turning on the television and finding the same program on several channels. That is, of course, unless it’s something important, like an address from the President or the all Playboy Playmate episode of Fear Factor. Sometimes material that I think is of interest or noteworthy will cross over to here and sometimes I will use this as a means of expanding upon thoughts I’ve brought up elsewhere, but for the most part this will be all new and original stuff – although I’ve been told that I’m not allowed to photoshop fake wieners onto pictures of any of the staff or other contributing writers…but sometimes, in order to get your material out there, you have to sacrifice the little things.
Now if you’ll excuse me, the sun is starting to come up, my eyes are burning and I’m pretty sure that my liver is attempting to secede from the union that is my internal organs.
Travis is currently seeking enlightenment at the bottom of a bottle of Jack Daniels and a three day trial membership to clubjenna.com
what did we get ourself into on this one
welcome to FTTW Travis
and don't shoot anyone
Posted by: the turtle | October 26, 2006 12:20 AM
that sure is one big wiener...
Posted by: kali | October 26, 2006 9:18 AM
were you were drinking at The Zebra or the Round Corner?
I know Sacramento
well, I know dive bars
Posted by: the turtle | October 26, 2006 9:44 AM
Fake tits are ok, though.
Just so we're clear here.
Posted by: michele | October 26, 2006 9:51 AM
Kali: thanks, i've got great genetics
turtle: lori's little shack up in rocklin...but the zebra is often my homebon the weekends
Posted by: Travis | October 26, 2006 9:52 AM
i was Round Corner when i wanted to be left alone and The Tavern when i wanted to talk to people
hey, dollar beers at the Tavern
plus i didn't like that bartender at the Zebra. I don't need nipple pinches when i want to just get numb
Posted by: the turtle | October 26, 2006 9:57 AM
Dude you had me at Jameson. Welcome.
Posted by: Dan | October 26, 2006 10:09 AM
Lori's is the best place to go to be left alone.
It's also the best place to go in order to boost your self esteem. Even when drinking there at ten am I still felt like I was in a better place in life than the rest of the patrons...some of which had been there since it opened at six.
Dan: Thanks. I like booze.
Posted by: Travis | October 26, 2006 10:14 AM
I hate to say this, but if that's really you in the photo with the six-shooters ... you look so much like my brother in that shot that I'll never be able to take you seriously.
Posted by: Cullen | October 26, 2006 10:16 AM
Yeah dude, that's me.
Posted by: Travis | October 26, 2006 10:19 AM
Wow. You look a lot like my brother.
Posted by: Cullen | October 26, 2006 10:52 AM
are either of them single?
Posted by: kali | October 26, 2006 11:01 AM
I'm not click the link to find out.
Posted by: Travis | October 26, 2006 11:09 AM
Anytime giant robots start beating on faux new age gurus/musicians, I'm in...
Welcome to FTTW, Travis...
Posted by: thefinn | October 26, 2006 11:44 AM
dude. nice one. she's a keeper!
Posted by: kali | October 26, 2006 11:51 AM
Definitely a keeper.
And you only look like my brother in the photo here, not on in your post at your site. So I no longer here his voice in my head when I read your stuff.
Posted by: Cullen | October 26, 2006 12:14 PM
dude i was the one he was drinking with at 11am, i bought him those shots of jameson, so i feel somewhat responsible....so to all the people at FTTW, im sorry
Posted by: ryan | October 26, 2006 12:30 PM
With his discerning, sage-like views, towards a world that deserves more hatred and retribution, How could you not appreciate this mans work? Believe in the power of sarcasm my friends.
Posted by: Dan Schrum | October 26, 2006 12:36 PM
thanks for the compliments guys. to be honest she's way to good for me
and dan, thanks dude
Posted by: travis | October 26, 2006 12:58 PM
And for the record I've never shot anyone.
I've stabbed someone in the leg with an antique sword.
But never with the shooting
Posted by: Travis | October 26, 2006 6:23 PM