An Action Figure Thanksgiving
by Michele Christopher
First, the turtle tracker.
He stopped in Salt Lake City today and is now on his way to Laramie, Wyoming. We're trying to work this so he gets on a driving during the day/sleeping at night schedule, and this should do it. He also realized the whole sleeping in your car thing just wasn't gonna work. Thank jeebus. It was kind of hard for me to sleep, knowing that he was out there in the cold sleeping with a gear shift up his ass and a Cheat doll that kept going off in the back of the car. I suppose it was hard for him to sleep, too, come to think of it.
So, tonight's topic.
Being that I covered Halloween and then went right to Christmas and Valentine's Day, I'n feeling a little bad for Thanksgiving. I didn't mean to skip it, really. I'm just trying hard not to think about it, mostly because my mother's house is going to be the House of Chaos this year, with the People Yelling Really Loudly taking over. However, I can look toward Thanksgiving 2007, which, presumably, is when Turtle and I are going to get married. Cranberry wedding cake, anyone?
I don't have much to say about Thanksgiving except to say that I really like food and this particular holiday features a lot of it. Other than that, what I have you for is a Thanksgiving Special, not unlike the Charlie Brown special. Well, very unlike the Charlie Brown special. Because there is no toast, no popcorn, no Over The River and no obvious moral. Unless "don't fuck with Spawn" is a moral.
I wrote this when I realized my action figures come alive at night. Or maybe I wrote this when I was drunk. Who knows.
Spawn stands up, glass of whiskey in his hand.
He-Man runs from the room crying
Spiderman: Oh, for Christ's sake!
They all gather in the living room to watch the game. Fifteen minutes later, there's a crashing sound. He-Man comes swinging through the window on a rope, his feet aimed for Spawn's head. He swings down on top of Spawn. They tumble to the ground and when Spawn stands up, his cape is ripped in half.
Spawn runs from the room, still yelling obscenities.
Skeletor: Well, another fine Thanksgiving this is turning into.
Everyone moves towards the dining area while He-Man lingers, looking around.
Evil Ash: What's the matter He-Man, looking for your balls?
They meet the others in the dining area.
Madman: Tada! I present to you the most amazing Thanksgiving meal ever!
Several Street Fighter guys bring in plates heaped with food and set them on the table.
Madman: Edward Scissorhands, would you do the honors, please?
Edward finishes slicing the meat and everyone clamors for the different plates. They dig in right away.
Spawn: Hold up! I would like to make a toast before we all stuff ourselves full of this food.
He stands and raises his glass of whiskey, Asuka at his side.
Hans Solo: I have a bad feeling about this...
He-Man and everyone else stop chewing, stop talking and look up at Spawn, forks in midair. Spawn cackles.
Spawn: Enjoying the meat, He-Man?
Chaos ensues. Everyone is either puking or running out of the room. He-Man faints. And Boba Fett calmly sits and passes himself some more meat.
Buddy Christ: Another Thanksgiving shot to hell.