An Action Figure Thanksgiving
by Michele Christopher

First, the turtle tracker.

He stopped in Salt Lake City today and is now on his way to Laramie, Wyoming. We're trying to work this so he gets on a driving during the day/sleeping at night schedule, and this should do it. He also realized the whole sleeping in your car thing just wasn't gonna work. Thank jeebus. It was kind of hard for me to sleep, knowing that he was out there in the cold sleeping with a gear shift up his ass and a Cheat doll that kept going off in the back of the car. I suppose it was hard for him to sleep, too, come to think of it.

So, tonight's topic.

Being that I covered Halloween and then went right to Christmas and Valentine's Day, I'n feeling a little bad for Thanksgiving. I didn't mean to skip it, really. I'm just trying hard not to think about it, mostly because my mother's house is going to be the House of Chaos this year, with the People Yelling Really Loudly taking over. However, I can look toward Thanksgiving 2007, which, presumably, is when Turtle and I are going to get married. Cranberry wedding cake, anyone?

I don't have much to say about Thanksgiving except to say that I really like food and this particular holiday features a lot of it. Other than that, what I have you for is a Thanksgiving Special, not unlike the Charlie Brown special. Well, very unlike the Charlie Brown special. Because there is no toast, no popcorn, no Over The River and no obvious moral. Unless "don't fuck with Spawn" is a moral.

I wrote this when I realized my action figures come alive at night. Or maybe I wrote this when I was drunk. Who knows.

A Very Special Action Figure Thanksgiving

Spiderman: I still don't see why we all have to have Thanksgiving
together. Superheroes, villians, goth people - it's a recipe for disaster!
Batman: Ha! Remember last year? Mark McGwire's head popped off in that free-for-all.
Boba Fett: Yea, the free-for-all that you started!
Skeletor: Shut up, Fett. You were the one that made us play drinking games. It's your fault.
Madman: Now, now, lets not rehash last year. I say we start this year off with something nice. How about we all go around the table and say what we are thankful for?
Evil Ash: Oh, geez. We all gonna hold hands and sing Kumbaya, too?
Buddy Christ: You got a problem with that, bad ass?
Evil Ash: Sorry, Jesus.
Madman: Ok, Spawn, why don't you start?

Spawn stands up, glass of whiskey in his hand.

Spawn: I'm thankful for that outfit Asuka is wearing today. Hubba Hubba!
He-Man: Hey! You can't talk about my girlfriend like that!
Spawn (laughing maniacally): Yourgirlfriend? I've been sleeping with her for three weeks!
He-Man: Liar!
Asuka: Umm....
He-Man: NOOOOOO! Say it isn't true!!
Asuka: Ummm....
Spawn: Told ya!

He-Man runs from the room crying

Spiderman: Oh, for Christ's sake!
Buddy Christ: Hey, I had nothing to do with this, man.
Madman: Well, let's wait on dinner a bit until we all calm down. Let's watch some football.

They all gather in the living room to watch the game. Fifteen minutes later, there's a crashing sound. He-Man comes swinging through the window on a rope, his feet aimed for Spawn's head. He swings down on top of Spawn. They tumble to the ground and when Spawn stands up, his cape is ripped in half.

Spawn: You son of a bitch! You mother fucking asshole! You are dead! Do you hear me? DEAD!
He-Man: Yea, I'm shaking in my boots, you girlfriend stealer!
Spawn: My fucking cape. I can't believe it. You'll pay for this you asswipe!

Spawn runs from the room, still yelling obscenities.

Skeletor: Well, another fine Thanksgiving this is turning into.
Death: I think it's rather amusing.
Sandman: You would.
Boba Fett: Is that food ready yet? I'm starving.
Madman: The turkey should be just about cooked. Let's go back into the dining room.

Everyone moves towards the dining area while He-Man lingers, looking around.

Evil Ash: What's the matter He-Man, looking for your balls?
He-Man: Shut up, you freak. Hey, has anyone seen Battlecat?
Green Goblin: I think I saw him fucking your girlfriend. HAHAHAH!

They meet the others in the dining area.

Madman: Tada! I present to you the most amazing Thanksgiving meal ever!

Several Street Fighter guys bring in plates heaped with food and set them on the table.

Madman: Edward Scissorhands, would you do the honors, please?
Edward (mumbling): Every year, it's Edward cut the turkey, Edward cut the pies.
Spiderman: That is the hugest turkey I have ever seen. I can't wait to dig in.
He-Man: Where the hell is Battlecat?
Spawn: Really. He was just dying to dig into his plate.

Edward finishes slicing the meat and everyone clamors for the different plates. They dig in right away.

Spawn: Hold up! I would like to make a toast before we all stuff ourselves full of this food.

He stands and raises his glass of whiskey, Asuka at his side.

Hans Solo: I have a bad feeling about this...
Spawn: I thought I would not be able to eat this meal, I was so depsondent over He-Man ripping my cape. But there are ways to get over things. A little action from Asuka here didn't hurt....
He-Man (his mouth full of food): You bastards! Do you have to announce it?
Spawn: You know, He-Man, they say revenge is a dish best served cold, but I would much rather serve it hot.
He-Man: What the hell does that mean?
Spawn (mimicing He-Man): Has anyone seen Battlecat?

He-Man and everyone else stop chewing, stop talking and look up at Spawn, forks in midair. Spawn cackles.

Spawn: Enjoying the meat, He-Man?
He-Man (staring down at his plate in horror) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Chaos ensues. Everyone is either puking or running out of the room. He-Man faints. And Boba Fett calmly sits and passes himself some more meat.

Buddy Christ: Another Thanksgiving shot to hell.

Late Night Typing will be back to normal by next week. I swear.




I-80 from Cheyenne to Chicago just plain sucks. Frequent stops. And no, you're not going in circles, those really are three different silos and barns that you pass seemingly over and over and over and over and over again in Nebraska and Iowa.

Stop at Amarillo BBQ in Bellevue Nebraska vs Famous Dave's. Dave's is good, Amarillo is better. Their ribs are smoked for three freaking days.

Have Michele email me if you stop in Cheyenne.


Laramie is home to The Lillingtons!



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