Ted Rhobe Rae is unable to write this week, as he is dealing with a joint lawsuit brought against him by Child Protective Services and the Association for Protection of Midget Rights. Below, Uberchief dishes out advice in the form of a fable from the magical land of Deep Forest, where animals can talk, get drunk, and contract venereal disease.

Dear Uberchief,

In middle school, I threatened a kid with a knife (with no intention of following up, of course). He ended up reporting it to the school, and we had a meeting with the Guidance Counselor and my parents.

Naturally, I lied my ass off and said I didn't do it, and that it was all a misunderstanding. So he got in trouble for lying. I saw a report in the newspaper the other day, and it turns out he's now in jail for trying to steal the shoes from a hobo (he was on drugs at the time). Should I feel bad about this?

Thanks,

Troubled Liar

Dear Troubled Liar,

Thanks for your note. Your situation reminds me of the story of Gary Grasshopper. Long, long ago, when the air was clean and there was no such thing as Internet pornography, Gary Grasshopper lived with his Mom and Dad in a hollow underneath Big Tree. Big Tree was the strongest, biggest tree in all of Deep Forest, and because of that, all the other animals would come to the Grasshopper hollow when weather was bad.

One day, Mom and Dad Grasshopper had to go out for food.

“We're leaving you alone in the hollow," said Dad Grasshopper.

“That's right," said Mom Grasshopper. "If it starts raining and other animals come by looking for shelter, you be sure to let them in and give them something warm to eat.”

“Yes ma'am," replied Gary Grasshopper as his parents closed the door behind them.

"Alright!" thought Gary to himself. "I can do anything I want!"

First, Gary went to the cupboard and ate all the sweets he could find. Then he went to the cabinet and ate all the junk food he could find. Finally, he got into Dad's "special" cabinet and drank an entire bottle of something called "Rum" that tasted like rubbing alcohol. Just as he was finishing the bottle, he heard a loud BANG of thunder. He put down the bottle and turned to the window to see that it was raining outside. As was to be expected, there came a knock at the door. He threw down the bottle and hurried to answer it.

“Gary!" said Percy Porcupine as Gary opened the door. "Are your parents here?”

Gary shook his head. "They went out for food. Can I help you?"

“Well," said a now-shivering Percy, "I was on my way home when this storm blew in. Can I come inside and sit for awhile?"

Gary nodded and stumbled out of the way. Percy walked inside and saw what a mess the house was. There were sweets wrappers everywhere, junk food containers spilled all over the floor, and an empty bottle of rum rolling slowly across the table.

"Gary!" yelled Percy. "Have you been drinking?"

Gary tried to shake his head, but it felt heavy. He could feel himself falling toward the ground, and before he knew it, he had passed out drunk.

When Gary woke up, he had a horrible headache and his face hurt from where he fell on it. After looking around, he realized that Percy was still there, fast asleep and snoring in the chair beside the fire. Gary knew that porcupines are prone to sleep soundly, and he knew what he had to do.

Soon, the rain let up, and not long after that, Mom and Dad Grasshopper came home to find Percy Porcupine passed out by the fire with an empty bottle of rum in his hands, and Gary working his best to clean up the mess he had made.

"What on earth?" roared Dad Grasshopper, startling Percy from his nap.

"Gary, what happened?" demanded Mom Grasshopper.

Before Percy could say anything, Gary shook his head, put his hands on his little grasshopper hips, and said, "I'll tell you what happened. I let that damn porcupine in just like you told me to. Well, he came in here, ate all the food in the kitchen, drank a bottle of something from your special cabinet, tried to sodomize me, and then passed out over there."

“What?!?" screamed Percy. "I never, ever..."

But it was too late. As soon as Gary mentioned sodomy, Dad Grasshopper sprung into action and, avoiding contact with Percy's quills, pinned him down and yelled at Mom Grasshopper to call the cops. Before long, federal agents arrived at the house and arrested Percy on child molestation charges. All that day, and indeed, for the rest of his life, Gary's parents let him do anything he wanted, for they felt so bad that their son had almost been raped by a porcupine. And Gary enjoyed every single minute of it.

The moral of the story is: it may feel good to lie, and it may feel even better to lie and not get caught. But it feels the best when you lie and someone else suffers for it, and you come out clean. AND THAT'S OK.

Thanks again for the letter. I'm glad your knife-wielding days are behind you.

Yours truly,

Uberchief

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