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"Customer Service, How Can I Help You ?"
I used to work in customer support. It was a learning experience, I’ll say that much about it. I took a lot of crazy calls in that job. Many of them were not fun at the time, but after 10 years you can look back at them and shake your head and laugh.
The following is a totally true call. I did not make this shit up. The dialog is paraphrased, but the story is 100% true. Enjoy.
Ernie: Hi, thanks for calling [company] customer support, this is Ernie, can I help you?
Somewhat edgy sounding customer: Hi, yes, I have a major problem here and I hope you can help me.
Ernie: Ok. Go ahead, are you having a problem with your system?
Somewhat edgy sounding customer: Well, here’s the problem. I completed the offline version of my project down in Miami and now I’m back in New York and I need to finish it.
Ernie: Ok, that should not be too difficult. Do you need help with that process?
Somewhat edgy sounding customer: No. Well, yes. Ok. Here’s the problem, I left my disk with all the project information down in my hotel in Florida and now I’m back in New York.
Somewhat more edgy sounding customer: So I need help.
Ernie: Ah… I’m not really sure what I can do for you there… you left your disk in the hotel in Florida and now you’re in New York? What do you expect me to do here?
Somewhat frantic sounding customer: What do you mean? I need you to help me get my project back!
Ernie: Um, okayyy. Have you called the hotel? Maybe they found the disk and…
Frantic and angry sounding customer: Listen. I called here because I need your fucking help ok? Is this fucking [company] customer support or isn’t it?
Ernie: Well yes, it is, but I’m not sure how I can help you here. I can’t get your information off of a disk in a hotel somewhere in Florida for you. I would suggest calling the hotel and seeing if maybe they can locate the disk for you. Maybe they could overnight it to you…
Frantic and angry sounding customer: Are you fucking kidding me? What about my fucking project??
Exasperated Ernie: I’m sorry sir, I’m here to provide technical support for your computer system, I can’t retrieve a project off of a lost disk… Do you have a backup copy with any of the information you are missing?
Pissed off sounding customer because he just shot himself in the foot and still needs to redirect the blame to someone other than himself for losing the disk with all his project information on it: Let me talk to your fucking boss.
Ernie: Sigh… One moment.
Ernie no longer answers your stupid questions.