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God Damn That Was Funny by Michele Christopher
Since Michele is out doing something that involves her kid, I am the lucky one to pick tonight’s topic. This is a topic that I have been told to hold back on and I might have snuck some of the topic in a few LNT's a long time ago before I was asked not to use it, but fuck, she's gone for another hour and by the time she gets back, I'll be watching TV or fighting with this ebay bitch about our T-Shirts. Yeah. They are still coming. Don't ask. Cause it's getting ugly. But, be that neither here nor there, let's move on to the banned topic. Or rather not the banned topic, but the topic that my answer seems a tad bit, um, well, cruel and sick. What was the funniest thing you have ever seen? This is a tricky one. This requires some thought, cause if a movie was the funniest thing you have ever seen or America's Funniest Home Videos, more power too you. But, what we are asking is the thing you saw in real life that knocked you down laughing and will forever be burned in your mind possibly shaping the way you think about things nowadays. turtle hits the playgrounds I really can't remember how old I was. I remember I was in elementary school just playing basketball talking with a bunch of my friends about which Iron Maiden album was the best. I think I had Number of the Beast, but who knows. I mean Iron Maiden is kinda funny, but not funny ha ha, more just like funny in a sad way. But, anyways, I digress. I remember there was no school in session, so it must have been the summer or after school or something like that. Or maybe they evacuated the school cause someone else was taking out kids with an AK-47. Oh, christ. Maybe that's just me. But, anyways. Back to the funniest thing I ever witnessed in my life. I was playing basketball in the blazing Fresno sun. Chugging back gatorade to stop from sweating blood. I mean it gets hot there. Like 136 degrees hot. Well, maybe 105, but you get the point, and I really had to take a piss. I stopped the game and headed for the bathrooms. As I walked up, I heard crying. Muffled crying. I was too young to know what jail rape was so I'm sure that didn't cross my mind, so I thought someone must be hurt. Walking into the bathroom, I turned my head to the right to see a kindergartner or 1st grader, hell if I know, sitting on the crapper with his head hung low and as pants around his ankles just sobbing. Like he was almost praying or getting ready to make a dash for it. But, he couldn’t. His pants were around his ankles. In the stall next to him, an older kid was standing on top of the tank of the toilet with his cock in his hand. Pissing over the stall on to the little kids head. A stream of urine clearing the barrier like a high jumper at the Olympics. The kid was just taking it. The smile on the urinators face was one of pure evil as the arch of piss cleared the steel separator between the two kids landing directly on the urintees head. The both glanced over at me. One had an expression of "Check out what I can do." The other, a look of "OH CHRIST HELP ME!!" I watched for about fifteen seconds before tears welled up in my eyes from laughing. Without saying a word, I turned around and left. Once outside, I collapsed on the ground listening to the kid scream for help. Ok. I admit it. I could have helped him. But, god damn that was funny. - T Well shit. I'm out doing food type stuff and he's sitting in my house coming up with a topic that I banned him from writing about. He will pay for this. Listen. I've seen a lot of funny things in my life. I know I must have, because I remember laughing a lot. But expecting me to remember shit like that at this point in my life is not fair. It's been a long week. My brain is fried. So I'm not going to tell you the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm going to show you the funniest thing I've seen all week. And most of you aren't even going to think this shit is funny. I know thefinn will. Maybe that's about it. But there's something about these pictures that make me pee my pants from laughing. Not really. I'm not incontinent. Yet. Ready? Here's my funny.
Yea. So that's what I think is funny. That's what makes me laugh so hard milk comes out of my nose. At least this week. And I don't even drink milk. Hey, at least it's not a little kid being peed on. - M So those are some of the funniest things we have ever seen. Yeah sure, some of ours are sick, but admit it, most of us think sick humor is the best humor. We told you ours. What were yours?
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Who knows. I never understood why kids started turning schoolyards into there own personal shooting galleries but it's way to late to blame anyone for that at this time of night. But, I blame Tom Hanks movies. Admit it. Anytime you see that bastard smiling in a press shot with fucking Opie from Mayberry, you feel like shooting up some playground too, dontcha? Give ‘em one for Aunt Bea and shit? 
Stumble It!
Comments
Okay, so here's my cat-related funny: we have multiple cats who were once male and are now "it". We have one female who's not fixed 'cause she's got dicky lungs, and when she's in heat, it's funnier than hell. I've walked in on our big black & white boy Idiot standing over her, back of her neck in his mouth, looking at me like "Okay, what do I do now?!"... and she's under there, ass in the air, looking like "Will you just fuck me PLEEEEEZE?!" After a few minutes he just lets her go and walks away embarassed. Okay, I'll get pictures next time.
Posted by: Pat | November 15, 2006 12:43 AM
Okay, that last cat picture kind of freaks me out. Not sure why.
One time my cat left me laughing my ass off when she just jumped the fuck out of her skin, going from being half-asleep to flying backward and slamming herself into the wall, all because I shifted next to her on the couch. It was a nothing movement and I make more dramatic ones next to her all the time. Not sure why she chose that time to freak out.
That's not the funniest thing I've ever seen, but I can't really think of the funniest thing right now.
One thing I did see just yesterday was the scene in Borat when the two guys wrestle naked. You know what I'm talking about if you saw it. Not real life, granted, but jesus was that funny. Horribly, horribly funny. If I saw that in real life, I'd possibly shit myself.
Posted by: Joel Caris | November 15, 2006 4:07 AM
Oh, and Turtle, while that's a horrible story, I have to admit I would probably have had a similar reaction. I don't know if I would have tried to help the kid or not--hopefully and probably I would have--but I imagine I would be laughing hysterically while I tried to do something about the situation.
Damn, you know, there's something just recently that I laughed at seeing and felt like an asshole laughing about it. Wish I could remember what it was.
Posted by: Joel Caris | November 15, 2006 4:09 AM
M, that fucking Bat Country one is absolutely killing me... Unfortnately, every time I attempt something like this with one of my cats, it always ends with me bleeding profusely and the cat limping...
Posted by: thefinn | November 15, 2006 5:52 AM
Turtle's story of the poor kid getting fucked over, juxtaposed (that's right motherfuckers) with Michele's cat pictures, makes me think of the time I saw a dog fucking a cat. I wouldn't type it if it wasn't true.
My then future father in law was driving my girlfriend and I to work, and on the sidewalk right around the corner from work was a dog, this little white terrier about 12 pounds, digging away at this little cat, who didn't seem very happy, but not exactly angry either. More like she was kind of put out about the whole thing, but willing to accept it. Kind of like my wife, I suppose.
Posted by: Dan | November 15, 2006 7:49 AM
When I was about ten years old, I saw two dogs stuck together. The one dog was trying to run away but the other dog was stuck inside her and was kinda like dragging along......
That fucked me up for a long time.
Posted by: michele | November 15, 2006 8:28 AM
hey my (hot)dogs got stuck together in front of my three neighbors, (one with a hernia the size of a beach ball, the other two with three teeth a piece) my vietnam vet wrought iron sculpting landlord, and the guy from the electric company.
that was probably pretty funny for any one of them.
i was crying.
the male toothless wonder was shouting, "pour cold water on 'em."
ya that's actually pretty much the funiest thing that's happened to me in the last couple of years.
i should write the full story.
Posted by: kali | November 15, 2006 9:32 AM
My old drummer and i used to laugh at dumb shit til i almost wet myself. Most of it wouldn't be funny here, because there are huge backstories to a lot of the shit we laughed at. If i call him and say "Leatherface and Skeletor are at the door. Give them biscuits", he'd drop the phone and hit the floor laughing. To you guys, it's dumb.
The most funny thing i've seen recently... there was this couple sucking face in a most passionate and middle-aged way at the last jam. The woman was so hammered drunk. Well, she got up to do something, and was walking along, doing very well for someone that drunk, when a chair jumped out at her and knocked her in the shins. The lower part of her body stopped, but the top kept going right over the chair and she hit the floor. Lucky she had her face to cushion her fall! i DID spit my beer out.
and then there was this other time at this other bar, where i was just hangin out sipping a Dead Guy Ale or something. A guy in a #3 baseball cap, dirty cutoff Big Dog shirt, shorts hanging around his ass, called some other guy a redneck as a prelude to a squabble. the other "redneck" was dressed a little better. I don't know. I thought it was hysterical.
Posted by: pril | November 15, 2006 10:54 AM
So since we are all on animal stories I've got one. We had gone hiking in Colorado with my mom's labrador and her boyfriends prissy little chiwawa (sp?) We were stopped at a rest stop. Anyway the chi chi (that's what I'll call her) was in heat and in the truck bed humping the labradors face. The poor labrador just layed there looking miserable while onlookers at the rest stop watched in awe. It was like a train wreck and soon we had a croud. We couldn't get her to quit. It was like watching doggie porn. SICK
Posted by: Andrea | November 15, 2006 11:27 AM
"chi chi was... humping the labradors face" is going to make me laugh for a long long time.
Posted by: Dan | November 15, 2006 4:39 PM
In 9th grade. It was lunch break, and a bunch of guys (me included) were hanging out by the door. A bunch of girls were playing softball in an open area of the playground.
One of the guys had an unopened carton of milk from lunch, and winged it at Michelle Connot, who was fielding near us. He missed, of course, because he was lame. It landed near her.
Michelle was a big girl. Not fat-big, but lesbian ballplayer-big. Six feet of solid oak. She turned, looked at us, looked at the carton, picked it up, and threw it like a cannon at us. Only not at us. She threw it at the door frame above us.
It hit like an artillery shell and exploded. Milk sprayed everywhere, and all the guys scattered like bunnies. It was awesome, and one of the funniest things I've ever seen, even though I was in the midst of those guys. I've never seen people move so fast, before or since.
Posted by: Keith | November 15, 2006 7:53 PM