Holiday Music
by Joel Caris

Music played while writing: "Uncle Fucka," Murder City Devils, The Plot To Blow Up The Eiffel Tower and Blood Brothers

It's Thanksgiving, that ridiculous but delicious holiday.  It's a day of eating, of course, and . . . well, I guess there's supposed to be the thanks and such, but it's really all about the food, which there's no shame in.  Enjoying enormous amounts of delicious food is never something to look down upon, so engorge yourself.  I officially give you my blessing, my thanks, my fork.  Whatever you need.
Aside from the food, Thanksgiving is also often about family.  It's that time of year when you typically see them, whether you want to or not.  Now, perhaps you love your family, love spending time around them and live for this time of year.  Or perhaps this is the time of year you break out the Vicodin, or the whiskey, or bottles upon bottles of beer, or the Xanax, or the gun.  Whatever your coping mechanism, embrace it and use it wisely, and remember that you shouldn't close off your Christmas options.  That's coming up soon.

Now as for myself, I'm unobligated enough that I can pick and choose which gatherings I want to attend.  I can choose to visit the people I like (and who can cook) and generally avoid those who I don't like (can't cook).  It's true for the most part, anyway.  That doesn't mean, though, that I never see people whom I dislike.  They sneak in, and while I can usually avoid them for the most part, there still is at least a bit of obligatory chatting.

If you find yourself having to interact with the family members who make you crazy, or the friends you can no longer stand, or the acquaintances you want to put a hit out on, then try relieving yourself this Thanksgiving with some music.

Don't scoff.  Music is good for the soul, as I'm sure someone once said.  Better yet, it's good for passive aggressive voicing of complaints and hatreds.  Let me give you an example.

crazy-kids.jpgSay the house is filled with children you hate (they could be your own or someone else's).  Now let's say that these children are running around, flailing about their arms, screaming and probably breaking your shit.  If there are people flailing around, screaming and breaking shit in your house, it should be because, as Henry Rollins says, you never quite outgrew the "fuck on the floor and break shit" phase.  It shouldn't be because you're being forced into playing daycare for every random family member you only see once a year.  If, however, that is why your couch just collapsed, then relax by putting in some music.  I suggest the South Park: Bigger, Longer and Uncut soundtrack. Queue up that second track, "Uncle Fucka" and blast the shit out of it.

Shut your fucking face, uncle fucker
You're a cock sucking, ass licking uncle fucker
You're an uncle fucker, yes it's true
Nobody fucks uncles quite like you

Now, either the kids are going to shut up out of shock, or (more likely, as the kids have probably already heard the song) their parents are going to. Either way, the yelling that occurs after you put on the song is going to be much more enjoyable for you, because at least now someone else is pissed off. Furthermore, you've hopefully at least paused the children long enough to save your coffee table and you were able to passive aggressively tell them to shut the fuck up.

(If you're someone who doesn't deal in that passive aggressive bullshit, then god bless you. Just tell the kids to shut the fuck up straight out, and tell their parents, and then kick out anyone who's pissing you off.)

Of course, maybe "Uncle Fucka" isn't your cup of tea. If not, then perhaps you want to go for the noise option. If people are annoying you with their screaming and yelling, or just that special kind of inane chatter that only family members can manufacture, you might want to drown them out. I recommend some Nine Inch Nails. Something off of Pretty Hate Machine should do the trick. Pop the CD into your surround sound system and crank it up as high as it goes. Even if the people in your house don't hate the music, you won't be able to hear them anymore. A couple other good options would be some Rage Against the Machine or maybe early Metallica. Better yet, break out the angry Germans and put in Rammstein ("Rosenrot" MP3). Blast that and people may just shut up. If they don't, too-loud.jpgscream along to the music. You won't have any idea what's going on and nobody will dare touch or approach you when you're standing in the middle of the living room, eyes closed, fists clenched, perhaps a small trickle of blood coming out the side of your spittle-flecked mouth, screaming German as loud as you can.

Better yet, do what I would do and go obscure. Put on The Blood Brothers ("Love Rhymes With Hideous Car Wreck" MP3) or The Plot To Blow Up The Eiffel Tower. Trust me. No one will know what's going on and they'll all be so confused and horrified, they won't be able to gather their wits enough to resume annoying you. Try out these lyrics from the Blood Brothers song "Peacock Skeleton With Crooked Feathers" (MP3):

Tuxedos slither off corpses
and copulate wild on wedding cake
and the priest starts snapping photos?
And, there's a peacock on your shoulder
pole dancing around your neck
while reciting the Book of Revelation

It's even better when you actually hear the song. It's insane. Unless your guests are familiar with this type of music, the sheer craziness of it should shut them up for a few minutes, at the very least.

If not, then there's always the Vicodin and booze.

Your turn. What's your music of choice when you need to escape or annoy?

Joel knows what music makes the crowd move.



Looks like the link to the "Peacock Skeleton" mp3 was dropped. Here it be for anyone who's interested.


works for me


That would shut me up.


"I can't live without my radio!!"


Type O Negative's Christian Woman will usually shut people right up.

For noise level, nothing makes my family scatter from the room faster than Slayer.


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